A Spiritual Workout

"The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears." —Native American proverb

One of my favorite books to listen to is the Chicken Soup for the Soul series.  It is inevitable that one of those stories will bring tears to my eyes.  Crying does not seem to be one of those things that many people feel comfortable with doing.  However, I want to challenge you on another way to think about this very primary, fundamental expression of human emotion.

Let me switch gears for a moment and ask you to think about doing one of your favorite physical exercise routines.  If you are like most people, you may not feel you got the most out of your workout if you did not breakout into a “good” sweat.  So for many a good workout is equal to a good release of liquids from your body.  Some experts believe that sweating can flush the body of system-clogging substances like alcohol, cholesterol, and salt.  The benefits for sweating can be enormous and in some cases even profound…bottom line is that it is good for us.

Now let’s go back and think about the release of fluids through a good cry.  For many, you tend to feel better after a good cry.  Additionally, there are many health benefits to crying:

• Without tears, life would be drastically different for humans—in the short run enormously uncomfortable, and in the long run eyesight would be blocked out altogether.  Jerry Bergman
• Tears contain lysozyme, a fluid that can kill 90 to 95 percent of all bacteria in just 5-10 minutes!
• Tears actually remove toxins from our body that build up as a result of stress, while suppressing tears increases stress levels, and contributes to diseases aggravated by stress, such as high blood pressure, heart problems, and peptic ulcers. Jerry Bergman
• Permitting ourselves a "good cry" can and usually does allow us to recover some mental balance after a loss.
• Crying is essential to resolve grief, when waves of tears periodically come over us after we experience a loss. Tears help us process the loss so we can keep living with open hearts, according to Judith Orloff.

So think about the last time you had a really good spiritual workout.  You wouldn't think of holding back the sweat on a good workout, so give yourself permission to let your tears flow freely…you will feel better for sure!

A Thanksgiving Day Reflection and a Wish for All!

As I journey to see my son across the country, I am reminded and thankful to be visiting him once again at Thanksgiving.  This will be our second Thanksgiving together since he moved out of our apartment last August to start his bright and exciting career.  As a thankful reflection I like to think of how our last day together ended and the special memory that it holds for me.  The following is my recollection of the events of that day and how they have forever touched me.  

This is a father’s remembrance of his son he holds dear.

As a parent I would like to think that we all hold many loving and happy memories of being with our children.  Some of those precious moments really stand out and we will carry them with us always.  One such memory happened between my only son/child and me near the end of summer in 2012. 

We had come to the end of a wonderful chapter in our life together.  He had recently graduated from college and landed his first job as a civil engineer in an awesome city taking him thousands of miles from home for 18 months.  He had lived with me during his last two and half years of college so he could work a university sponsored practicum close to our residence.  The time came for us to say goodbye as he left our apartment for the last time to begin his epic journey into the unknown, with a bright future ahead of him. 

I thought I was emotionally at peace with him leaving, knowing I would visit him and he would be making trips back home for the holidays.  I walked him to his car and helped him load the few items he would be carrying with him on the plane.  We hugged and when I went to tell him I love him and would miss him, I suddenly choked up.  I felt the tears dam up and I couldn't speak.  He knew what I was feeling and held me tighter as he was touched by my show of emotion.  I finally found my voice and told him he would be okay and that he would do well in his new job.  The embrace ended and he slowly made his way to his car.  I stood waving and looking quite sad I’m sure. 

What my son did next really surprised me.  He had started his car and was about to drive off, when he suddenly stopped, re-parked got out of the car and came over to me.  He did not say anything at first he simply hugged me once again and then with heartfelt words he said, “I love you, Dad.”  I never felt closer to my son than I did in that moment – As I reflect back I was saying goodbye to my not so little boy whom I helped raise since he was an infant and watched as I proudly noted the grown young man bravely stepping out in the world on his own. 

Off and on that day, I cried many tears of joy, replaying that moment over and over again.  I thought how blessed I was to be saying goodbye to my son who was leaving me for a future loaded with unlimited potential and wonderful adventures.  I paused to think of other parents who have had to say goodbye to their children in dire circumstances and how hard it must be for them. 

My Thanksgiving wish for all of you who read this is that you will have special memories with your children to be thankful for and if you don't I hope you create them – it is what makes a life worth living.  

The Happiness Advantage

Discipline = Happiness 

A couple of weeks ago while on vacation, I had the pleasant opportunity to meet a very special person.  This woman had suffered a major life changing physical setback and yet she remained positive.  During our conversation she shared a video she had seen on YouTube by Shawn Achor called The Happiness Advantage.  In the video that author challenges us to take on a 21-day life changing challenge.  He stated that the research had proven that by doing a certain five things daily for 21 days that indeed you would become happy or in my case happier, which would then translate into being more productive and successful.

So - I took the challenge on with one of my friends.

The process is pretty simple and guaranteed not to take up too much time but you have to be consistent or as I translated it you have to discipline yourself to do it. I think it has been made easier by engaging one of my friends to hold myself accountable, plus that added feature of getting to read what his day was all about.  While there was no formal method for keeping track of the five items, I decided to create a template to just copy and populate each day.  Here is what Shawn says you have to do:

•   Pick 3 things that you are grateful for on a daily basis.
•   Journal about one of them – so as to relive it again and get an added benefit
•   Meditate – I Googled the Upper Room Daily Devotional for my daily meditation
•   Exercise – nothing crazy, you could go for a walk, some pushups, or whatever
•   Practice 3 random acts of kindness daily

So far, I have made it to day 7 and am looking forward to being intentional about completing the remaining days.  I am taking the attitude to think of it as though it were a personal training / development program to get me in better mental / emotional / physical / and spiritual shape.  It seems like a pretty small price to pay for a huge return on my investment.  Are you up for the challenge?  I would love to hear back from those of you who were so inspired to take it on and what you gained from the experience.  I chose the word discipline as a way to remind myself that in order to get in shape you have to exercise discipline!

I'm forever yours, faithfully. Journey

I had an awesome opportunity to attend my good friend Shawne Duperon’s media boot camp this past week.  We connected when when she began working on Project: Forgive since I wrote about self-forgiveness in my dissertation.  The focus of media boot camp workshop was to get you feeling comfortable with being uncomfortable.

One of the exercises was to stand as close to a partner as possible and stare into the other [unknown person’s] eyes without saying anything for an unspecified period of time.  For many this exercise was unnerving and yet it was one of the easiest ones for me to complete.  After reflecting on this experience, I decided it would be an excellent opportunity for me to share this with my life partner.

I took the liberty of adapting the exercise by choosing a song to play that spoke to me about our relationship.  My partner and I have been in a long distant relationship going on a little over ten years, so for me the lyrics: "And being apart – Ain’t easy on this love affair – Two strangers learn to fall in love again – I get the joy of rediscovering you – Oh, girl, you stand by me – I’m forever yours – Faithfully!"

It was really hard to look into her eyes without tearing up but I wanted to share an intimate experience with her and develop a practice to keep us connected.  So my challenge for you is to do the same – pick a song, stand close to one another hold hands and say nothing – let your eyes speak the words you struggle sometimes to find…try to make it a daily practice!

Why is “no” the hardest message to receive in our intimate relationships?

The word “no” to one’s sexual advances triggers many different emotions for many people. For some, it is a flat out rejection that they are not masculine or feminine enough. It can foster an attitude of insecurity, jealousy and rattle one’s confidence. For some reason, we accept “no” in other areas of our life, but it becomes extremely personal in sex.

This fact only stresses the importance of communication in a relationship. With no explanation or discussion, one starts to fill in the blanks with incorrect assumptions which can lead to greater distance in the relationship.

We all place filters on the way we choose to hear messages. What are your filters and how do they affect your ability to hear a message? What changes do you need to make to hear a message differently? Instead of assuming that your partner is rejecting you, could it be that he/she is exhausted from a stressful day?

People who seriously want a stronger, healthier relationship exercise the communication muscle. This means taking advantage of the opportunities to express our feelings, especially ones we struggle with personally, and finding a way to express them to one’s partner.

• Ask yourself, why am I being turned down ? What is going on for my partner to prevent them from being in the mood?
• Talk with your partner about how you are feeling. Do they know that you are feeling rejected?
• Communicate your feelings of rejection without the expectation that the only way for you to feel better is for them to give in to your desires.
• Burying your feelings is not healthy; it is like ignoring a wound without treatment and hoping that it will get better.

If you are communicating with your partner, but the pattern of conflict continues, there may be deeper rooted issues in the relationship that could benefit from the help of a professional.

Life - it's all about attitude!

Recently I developed a relationship fitness program for couples utilizing a holistic approach to strengthen your relationship.   My belief is that the world is a better place when our relationships remain strong and healthy.  This approach is a seven-spoke model based on the number of days in the week.  The spokes include: communication, intimacy, lifestyle, nutrition, education, spirituality and environment.  The idea is for couples to pick a spoke they want to strengthen daily and find ways that are pleasurable and fun to improve their relationship.

There are no rules only suggestions – you prescribe the program that is right for you.

Today I would like to focus on attitude as an aspect of spirituality.  I view spirituality as the force that makes us human and something you can feel.  You cannot see, touch or taste it, but yet you know it is there, much like a breeze or the wind.  Viktor Frankl taught us in his famous text, Man’s Search for Meaning, that attitude is the one thing that no one gives us, no one can take away from us and the one thing that always remains our choice…so choose it wisely!  Our attitude affects our entire life and a positive attitude directly impacts not only our mental health but physical health as well.  

People ask all the time how do I go about changing my attitude?  The answer is simple but not always easy to implement and maintain.  Successful people choose an attitude of never giving up and so they don’t!  Others have been successful by enlisting the support and encouragement of those around them…asking them to point out anytime when they notice a fallback to a former negative attitude.  For those who are willing to “make it hurt”, they decided to pay a “fee” whether it be $1, $5, $10 or $20 every time someone catches them slipping backwards.  Be forewarned that our friends and family members can change when there are hard dollars involved.  Instead of being supportive and encouraging, they can set clever [and some not so clever] traps to catch us doing what we know best.

Think about the attitude you have in your relationship with your partner, spouse, significant other…how would you describe it…what words would you use?  Does your attitude serve to strengthen or weaken your most important relationship?  Why did / are you choosing it?  What value would there be if you decided to change it to improve how well you get along / stay connected to her/him?  I choose to have a positive attitude, what’s your choice?

Are You Seeking Approval That You Already Have?

I want to think it gets easier as we get older to reflect insight-fully about our past.  My father passed away over 5 years now and yet rarely does a day go by that I don’t think fondly about him.  My Dad was a man of very few words, usually responding to open ended questions with a one-word answer and yet he was the most positive individual I had ever known in my life – never making a disparaging remark about anyone.

Unfortunately, I was one of those kids who needed words of affirmation to feel good about myself.  My Dad showed his love for me in many different ways and again, unfortunately, I was unable to see that through my young, inexperienced eyes.  I recall many times trying to please him through my achievements.

Growing up, I do not recall ever hearing my father say he was proud of me, except one time.  It is one of those memories you will never forget.  The compliment came one winter evening when I was leaving the house to go visit friends and he grabbed my arm and told me how proud he was of me for becoming a doctor and that no one else in our family had ever done that.

As I would find out after his death, he had always been proud of me…but because I needed to hear it and never did I felt compelled to keep trying to win his approval when I already had it.

Let me ask a question, whose approval are you trying to get and just how sure are you that you don’t already have it?

(Picture linked to:  http://motivationalmoments-vwo.blogspot.com/2012/04/how-do-you-acknowledge-peoplenona.html)

Transition and Transformation

I always thought I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up - stability was key.  As I move my life from Pittsburgh to the Detroit area this year I am discovering that my life is more about transitions & transformations than it ever was about stability. One of the main reasons for this late life transition is that I have been involved in a long distance relationship for over 10 years. Now that our separate families have grown up and moved out, we are ready to step up our commitment. Since I was born on a Thursday, I have often reflected on the Mother Goose Monday’s Child Nursery Rhyme that goes: Thursday’s child has far to go – and  here I go, off to Michigan!

My adult life has been clearly marked by many transitions and transformations.
For example, I started out my professional career as an accountant – then transitioned to becoming a banker – then to becoming a corporate manager in treasury & finance – then on to becoming a large corporate organization development consultant, which lead me to my current roles as an executive coach and psychologist. The transition from corporate to clinical was by far the most exciting and demanding journey I have ever taken and also the most rewarding. My passion for wanting to work with people who were struggling while trying to navigate through some of the most troubling waters in their lives is what carried me for over 10 years in pursuit of my doctorate in psychology.

As I ponder the move of my professional life to a Troy-based office, I will be giving up my living space, professional practice and leaving behind a very strong network of wonderful friends, colleagues and co-workers that have been kind and gracious to me these many years. I find it interesting to note that this is a journey in patience, perseverance and the proverbial one-step-at-a-time. The welcoming people of Detroit have embraced me and have been extremely helpful in wanting to see me become successful. I feel they have given so freely and compassionately that it paves my way with courage and confidence.

Of course, no change of this magnitude is without stressors such as starting a new business and wondering how long it will take to get known as a sex therapist and have a steady client base. It was exciting to design, develop and launch a new website – SexHealthDoc.com – which highlights the areas in which I can help others.  Another stressor is transitioning my time and energy between the two cities and making effective use of the commuting by listening to new ideas and thoughts on audio. Of course, there is the “new beginnings” of a wonderful relationship going from an infrequent way of being together to sharing our lives in the same house.

The move into this new phase of my life can feel daunting at times; it is nonetheless full of excitement and adventure.  Off I go!

What The Research Tells Us About The Swinging Lifestyle

A review and comments on the book, Swingng in America

Just the title of this book  - Swinging in America by authors Bergstrand and Sinski will cause much discomfort for many who assume they know what swingers do. What struck me when I first started reading the book was who the authors were and who they were not. They claimed to be the first authors that were not in the ‘lifestyle’ and married, but not to each other and represented a totally different and unbiased perspective. Because of the nature and potential damaging effects of being identified in the ‘lifestyle’ the researchers were still able to get 1,100 participants to help inform and create a knowledge base of what it is like to be non-monogamous.


The book was written in the traditional academic research style. In spite of that I still found it an interesting read. I found it interesting in how the researchers took on the highly debated monogamous relationship and clearly explained how all of the relevant forces have shaped and reinforced it in such a way that anyone trying to break free of the “socially acceptable” mold meets with dire consequences. One is certainly left wondering in the end just how the researchers were impacted by their view of the ‘lifestyle’.

Some of the take away gems that stayed with me were as follows:
• Swinging will never help a relationship in trouble
• Swinging is not for everyone
• One has to be secure in their emotional and physical relationship before ‘swinging’ should be explored
• Go slow and take your time – remember fools rush in where wise men dare to tread
• There are many forms of swinging from soft to full and everything in between
• Those successful in the ‘lifestyle’ have also successfully eliminated relationship killers such as lying, deceitfulness, and cheating
• The ‘lifestyle’ will continue to exist despite the sometimes overwhelming forces and attitudes of those against such a way of living

It was interesting to note that once a person has been caught outside the monogamous field they are stripped of and discredited for anything good they had to offer. It was a sad commentary but reinforces just how powerful these structures are in the world. Even the law has its say into what is considered “normal and acceptable” as a society when it comes to monogamous relationships and the choices that surround them.

So if you are looking for a fascinating and thought provoking read then ‘Swinging in America’ might just fit the bill.

Is a sex therapist right for you?

An interview with Dr. John Beiter, Sex Therapist, to determine if this is the right course of action for you.
(from YourTango.com)


A lot of people ask me, just what does a sex therapist do and how do I know if I need or could benefit from one?  The following represents a recent interview to help answer those questions.

Interviewer [I]: Can you summarize in one sentence who typically seeks you out?
Sex Therapist [ST]:  Couples and individuals who want to strengthen and improve their sexual relationship.

I:  Can you tell me the 3 biggest and most critical problems that your clients are facing?
ST: The three areas of most concern deal with an emotional connection that is missing; fears of intimacy; and being comfortable/vulnerable enough to communicate your sexual needs to your partner.

I:  How do you help individuals and couples resolve these issues and help them feel whole or connected again?
ST:  Couples and individuals learn to communicate daily to reconnect emotionally.  For example, couples can ask each other a “magic question” everyday in the morning and look forward to the answer later that same day.  An example would be – what are you looking forward to most in your day?  It should be about something other than the routine of one’s activities and not about family type issues.  Clients learn how to keep their partner’s “emotional love tank” [Gary Chapman – The 5 Love Languages] full which creates a more stable and nurturing foundation.  Clients are encouraged to take an anonymous and free sexual preference survey at www.BSPItest.com to either discover or validate how they like to relate to their partner sexually along four different sets of intimacy.

I: What is the number one most relevant result you help your clients achieve?
ST: Couples and individuals who are serious and determined to live their sexual life to the fullest change their attitude from a performance-based sexuality to one that is based on pleasure, fun and intimacy.  This alone has been known to boost confidence and let the person[s] feel more comfortable in being vulnerable.

I: As a final question, besides finding solutions to the presenting problem, are there any other core benefits that your clients experience?
ST:  Couples and individuals achieve a closer, more intimate way of relating to one another and a deeper level of communicating.

You can’t embrace the present by holding onto the past

Learning to heal the wounds of the past by learning new perspectives on what past events mean.

(Reposted from YourTango.com)

For some it is so hard to let go of the wrongs of their past, they clutch to it like it were a life preserver, when in fact it is more like an anchor pulling them under.  A friend of mine recently shared a profound insight that helped him move on – he said, “I finally figured what I needed to do in order to stop my past from haunting me, I just had to lose sight of it.”  He continued, “The insight came to me when I was looking at one of those 3-D puzzles, the kind if you stare long enough the image emerges but if you take your eyes off of the page – it disappears.  And so it was with my past, when I could no longer see it the way I was choosing to see it, the pain subsided!”

Many people are finding that obtaining a new perspective of the situation will change the way you feel about it.  My friend decided to adopt an attitude of gratitude while reflecting on those in his life who he had formerly wanted to see as only mean, self-serving and degrading.  When he wrote out his list and saw with his own eyes how much these people had done for him, he was able to let go of the resentments and carry their memories in ways that were much more healing and helpful.

He also discovered that he had spent most of his life trying to fill a bottomless void that drained him dry of his energy and resources.  He realized that instead of trying to fill the void that it was in his best physical and mental interest to let the void just heal.  He learned to let the voids, caused by past emotional wounds, to close without trying to keep them stuffed open with anything.  So for those of us who struggle with voids in our lives – consider giving them time to close because by keeping them open we deny ourselves the opportunity to heal!

Everything I needed to learn about relationships I should have learned from my car!

I like to consider myself a “car guy”, make no mistake, I am no ‘gear head’ – never had the talent, could change the oil, tire and an occasional light bulb but that’s pretty much where it ends – I just appreciate beautiful cars. It is truly a sensual experience for me – I love the sight of a brilliant shine and the way light and every object around it is reflected. I love to touch a smooth, polished finish and glide my hand across the cool texture of a clear coat, along with the scent of a soft leather interior and the sound of a throaty engine that envelopes you when you give the key a turn. Therapy for me has always been about detailing my ride until I have it looking, smelling and feeling the way I want to drive it. I can spend hours washing and waxing and cleaning the interior, windows and tires…and of course over the years I've heard the complaint – “if you spent as much time with me as you do your car…”

So it got me thinking…imagine if I treated my relationships like I do my car. I would be investing in my relationship on a weekly basis. For starters, I invest in a tank of gas roughly every week, so how can I invest in my relationship on a weekly basis that “keeps it running without worry about it coming to an end? I usually don’t wash my car unless it is dirty but how can I “polish the relationship” when I feel I have neglected it and it is really in need of some TLC [Tender Loving Care]. I am not looking for the car to tell me what it needs and I can certainly adopt that attitude with my partner. I can be proactive and decide that our relationship needs my time and attention and how best to tend to those needs.

I can easily spend a couple of hours washing, rubbing and buffing, why not share massages with my partner and rub her from head to toe? Why not find new ways to hold her, feel her, hear her, taste and smell her and really appreciate seeing her beauty “from all angles”? I do not have to do a detailed and thorough cleansing every time I decide to “work on the relationship”; sometimes a quick and easy wash is all that is called for or all that I have time for but the point is that I make time for the relationship.

I am usually pretty good at scheduling maintenance ahead of time and could easily translate that behavior into planning special times with my partner, like date night or take her out dancing or whatever it is that she enjoys. My attitude, like being with my car, should be enjoying time together-just the two of us. I can plan for major expenses as I can plan for anniversaries, vacations, birthdays and other special events.

If we men can start thinking about our relationships in the term of our “love affairs” with our cars, it
may do us well to realize that we have been practicing our relationship skills for many years without even knowing it…something like the movie The Karate Kid where Mr. Miyagi taught Daniel all about self defense in the realm of waxing his car.

Sex – It’s just not for everyone!

A couple of years ago I was asked to speak on a panel concerning the lack of a sexual relationship in as many as 40 million couples in the United States. While many people believe that sex is natural and normal and vital for a relationship to survive, there are those do not. I guess if you are one of the ones experiencing a healthy sexual connection with your partner then you might find this notion to be untenable. Even though I am one of those in a
healthy sexual relationship, I could easily imagine those that are not. As I reflected on what might steer one away from a sexual union with another, it was not difficult to start listing what makes such a relationship unattractive.

In another blog post I mentioned Zibergeld’s – The New Male Sexuality and liked what he had to say about how our culture is dominated by a “Fantasy Model of Sexuality”. It was one that was based on performance, orgasm, passion and flawless forms as portrayed by the media, movies and the like. However, I find it interesting to note that “sex” as a human interaction is typically portrayed and experienced by many as purely physical, even though if you really think about it – sex starts and ends in the mind. After all, to begin one has to get in the “mood” by “feeling” erotically motivated and to finish one usually experiences a wave or waves of pleasure that equates to “feeling”. So for something we exponentially promote as physical – sex is really about feelings – a word that typically and unfortunately holds little value in our culture and society. If Zilbergeld was correct in his assumption about the “Fantasy Model”, then it seems apparent why many would choose not to play along.

Of course there are many other reasons as to why many would not find a sexual relationship appealing. For many their decision was based on unwanted sexual experiences in their life. For others, sex was just not that exciting, rewarding or gratifying. Many people have told me that sex is too much like work and not worth the effort. Others have stated that doing without eliminates any and all the anxieties they had previously experienced and were happy to be free of the constraints. Does it have to be that way? Of course not, but until we do something about changing what sex “looks like” and means in our society then many will choose not to engage.

The Mythical Life of Your Sexuality

As a sex therapist, I am always intrigued by the notions/beliefs/understandings my clients have regarding sex and sexuality. So I decided I wanted to start creating a list of at least the more prevalent ones.

Myths regarding sex and sexuality

• In order for sex to be “sex” it has to be intercourse.
• Sex is over when the “erection leaves the building!”
• Sex is only sex when both man and woman orgasm through intercourse – forget anatomical considerations it’s just media hype!
• Men are always ready for sex.
• Men are the Wizard of Oz when it comes to sex being the ‘Know All’
• Only boys are encouraged to masturbate
• It’s not healthy for a women to masturbate to learn about her own body, what pleases and pleasures her – that responsibility belongs to the man!
• Our sexual fantasies are our hidden desires of what we really want
• Sexual fantasizing while making love with your partner is tantamount to having an affair – you are only allowed to be thinking of the one you’re with – and no one else – forget the fact that you have an imagination.
• Like the magic beans from the Jack-in-the-beanstalk tale – E.D. drugs alone are the solution to the age-old [or young] problem – Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get [it] up!
• All men are sexually aroused and ready for intercourse by the sight of a naked woman
• Women love to be treated like porn stars or Pounding without Pleasure!
• The erection or the lack thereof is the only real indicator if a man is aroused and desires his partner
• A woman’s sexual desirability can be measured by an erect penis
• Once aroused you have to see it all the way through to orgasm

This list is far from inclusive and the purpose of it is to get you thinking about what myths do you carry around, accepting them as truths without really questioning them.

So how do these get started and why do they continue to flourish? 

Human sexuality seems to be and should be one of those wonderful life experiences that many of us enjoy and so few people understand or know that much about it. I think at some level we need to add a fourth “R” to schooling our children – Reading – wRiting – aRithmetic – Relationships. Human sexuality should never be defined for you, ever or in a way that severely restricts or limits your ability to experience a full spectrum of pleasure and fun. Hmm…so what myths are you entertaining these days?

Decoding the Psychology of Your Sexuality

Reprised from February 2010


So how does one go about understanding the psychology of their sexuality? As a therapist, based on my education, training and experience I have typically looked to a client’s biological parents to inform me about their relational patterns. Like it or not, Moms and Dads have a tremendous and life-long influence and impact on how we relate to one another.

So what and how have our parents contributed to our sexuality?
Well for most and appropriately so, not many of us even suspected our parents of ever having sex. Our parents kept it private and secret, which is where many of us are with sex as well. If your parents were uncomfortable discussing sex, then maybe you are too When you think back to when you were an adolescent, what kind of sex messages do you remember receiving – were they positive, negative or neutral? Again this would reflect your parent’s attitude toward sex, which you now may have adopted. Again reflecting on your parent’s relationship, what do you remember about how affection was shown – comfortable (or not), forthcoming, withheld, unconditional, forced, absent, unwanted?

Another issue that would significantly impact our psychology would be how nudity and body issues were handled. In some homes nudity was encouraged and embraced in healthy appropriate ways where there were no restrictions placed on the child to ‘hide her/himself’ from others, while I think most were encouraged and in extreme cases forbidden to allow oneself to be exposed for the gaze of others. How do you remember your parents dealing with their own nudity and body issues? Did your parents keep behind closed doors while dressing? At what age were you no longer allowed to accompany them while s/he changed? When you think about that message alone, it can certainly help form our attitudes that eventually morph into beliefs that we hold onto and enforce into our current way of being with self and others. The BSPI© (http://bspitest.com) asked the question whether one preferred the lights on or off during sexual activity. The results were that 75% of all the men sampled and 37% of the women preferred the lights on. So if we look into the psychology of men along side women, the findings suggest reinforcement of a Western cultural norm that men prefer to be visual. How much of that is the way in which we condition boys/men to be? Does that mean we condition our daughters differently? It would certainly appear so, but there are other implications that surround this question and one such is around body image.

Some people that I have discussed the results of their survey with have indicated that a strong reason for answering ‘lights off’ deals with body image issues and particularly when they involve another person and the fear of being judged. Again, I think culture plays a tremendous role in our reinforcing what the “acceptable body image” should be. If you look at the focal points of many advertisements, you will be hard pressed to find anything that is not young, fit, and thin as though they are the only people engaging in sexual activity. Even though one would think that body image is a visual thing, it really comes down to how one is conditioned cognitively to be able to accept or reject oneself.

This leads into gender issues, how we treat boys/girls and the expectations we have for them. As a sex thera
pist, I have yet to encounter a male who has not masturbated…while that appears to be the norm for boys, the same does not hold true for girls. The BSPI asked how one responds to their own sexual arousal through masturbation or through activity with a sexual partner, the results – 3 out of 5 men prefer to go it alone while the women were almost even choosing between the two options. I find this result particularly interesting given the nature of my work. I have seen many men “coerced” into therapy by their wives who “caught them” masturbating to pornographic images. In some relationships, it is expected that the partner will give up a life long pattern of masturbating and fantasizing to devote any and all sexual energy to the other. Personally, I have a huge problem with this, especially given the way in which sexuality has been discussed, promoted, and supported. There appears to be some serious mixed messaging going on in that we do not object to using sex to sell/promote just about everything until it crosses the thresholds of our relationships. It is totally unrealistic to think that someone who has self-pleasured a good portion of his/her life is going to stop once they are in a committed relationship, it is like expecting someone to never eat alone because they now have a partner to share meals with but yet these unrealistic demands persist. This is one reason why it is so important to have an open dialogue around our sexuality at the start of any new committed relationship and continue it throughout.