Thursday, March 8, 2018

BSPI Question 22

What’s Your Sexual Preference?


This is the 22nd question in my survey and asks:


  1. In reading for sexual pleasure, do you more often enjoy

    1. erotic fantasy, or [I]

    2. real life experiences? [T]


      65% of the men and 47% of the women reported that they enjoy reading about erotic fantasy.  53% of the women and 35% of the men prefer to read about real life experiences.  This presents a great opportunity for couples to talk about what in the stories are arousing and to find ways to share in their partner’s excitement.  However, it also represents one of the biggest challenges for couples to share by being vulnerable enough to admit what is going on in your mind.  People fear being judged that if they reveal something they like in a story that their partner thinks is gross or distasteful that they will be viewed negatively.  A suggestion, if you are fearful of being judged negatively, then discuss that with your partner before you go any further.  Speaking of negativity and how it can translate into an unhappy relationship – in the book – The Normal Bar – 74% of the people surveyed around the world reported that the key to building a healthy relationship is to be happy, which translates into positivity!  Your challenge is to look for ways to inject happiness, appreciation and positivity into your relationships.

Thursday, March 1, 2018

BSPI Question 21

What’s Your Sexual Preference?


This is the 21st question in my survey and asks:


  1. Do you prefer to experience  

    1. emotional more than physical sexual satisfaction, or

    2. physical more than emotional sexual satisfaction?


      There was an interesting split in how both men and women responded.  It was reciprocally identical.   60% of the women and 40% of the men prefer an emotional experience while 40% of the women and 60% of the men preferred a physical experience.  The results of this particular item call into question the myths about men thinking that sex is always about being physical and women’s thinking it is always about being emotional.  This represents a real opportunity to open the discussion about our sexual preferences and what the experience is like for our partners without making assumptions.  For example, try asking your partner that if s/he prefers to experience sex physically exactly where in the body do you feel it and just not in the genital area?  If the answer was a preference toward being emotional, again exactly what emotions can you identify?  You can take the answers and use them to enhance, intensify or extend your partner’s pleasure when you know what s/he wants to experience.  It is a fun and intimate way to deepen the bonds of your relationship. 

Friday, February 23, 2018

BSPI Question 20

What’s Your Sexual Preference?


This is the 20th question in my survey and asks:


  1. When you are trying a new sexual activity, do you like to

    1. take your time and mindfully proceed, or

    2. jump in and go with the flow?



      Men and women responded equally to this question.  Approximately one third of the survey respondents want to take their time while the other two thirds want to jump in.  Research has clearly demonstrated that novelty is what keeps things interesting and moving forward in sexual relationships, so it is no wonder that many of the respondents would be interested in trying something new.  Even though the answers clearly indicate that we would like to try something new – how many of you actually make it a practice?  My challenge for you is to try something different once a month or every other month.  For example, you could consider trying anyone of the following or come up with something on your own:

  • Read an erotic story to each other and replace the names with your own
  • Try a role play where you may even consider dressing up for the part
  • Share a fantasy that your partner does not know about
  • Watch an erotic movie together
  • Take turns blind folding each other and stimulating with different household items like feathers or silks or food stuffs


And remember to always make it about – PLEASURE – FUN – INTIMACY!


Friday, December 15, 2017

BSPI Question 19

What’s Your Sexual Preference? 

This is the 19th question in my survey and asks: 


  1. Do you find it 

  1. (A) easy to communicate your sexual needs and desires, or [D] 

  1. (B) difficult to communicate your sexual needs and desires? [S] 


Among women and men only 45% and 52% respectively find it easy to communicate their sexual needs and/or desires.  What makes it so difficult for so many people?  Communication, communication, communication!!! When you research the origins of the word communication what you learn is that it means to ‘make something common’ and ‘sharing’, i.e. make a community. 

One way to explain the difficulties communicating about sex is that the word ‘common’ is subjective.  In other words, not everyone thinks about sex the same way.  Many people identify sex as only intercourse and that can lead to understanding sex as goal oriented and thus performance based.  This represents a real opportunity to start the discussion with your significant other.  Start asking some questions – what does sex mean to you?  What do want to get out of sex?  How can we make sex more pleasurable, fun and intimate?  One of the best ways to get comfortable communicating about sex is to start a dialogue.  You can use my survey to explore and most of all – have fun! 

 To take the BSPI Survey visit: 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

BSPI Question 18

What’s Your Sexual Preference?


         Found at:

 This is the 18th question in my survey and asks:


18.  Would you rather have a sexual partner who is

(A)  comfortable with suggesting new ideas, or [A]

(B)  satisfied with the practiced and familiar? [H]


We are creatures of habit and the survey responses confirm it!  Over 90% of both women and men are satisfied with the practiced and familiar, with the men slightly more so at 95%.


What this says about our sexual relationships is that we can get pretty comfortable in a routine but we should caution ourselves not to get too familiar.  When it becomes too well known it can become boring and eventually may lessen its appeal to be sought after.  We need to learn to refresh our relationships from time to time.  As the survey reminds, not all the time, but in the interest of keeping it vibrant and growing, the relationship will benefit by periodically trying something new. 


The caution here is to not take it for granted but to remind each other how much you love and value one another.  I would suggest telling your partner one thing you experienced while being sexually intimate that made the time together special.


Men responded A=5 / H=95

Women A=9 /  H=91


To take the BSPI Survey visit: 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

BSPI Question 17

What’s Your Sexual Preference?


         Found at:

 This is the 17th question in my survey and asks:


17.  In your sexual encounters, do you

(A)  enjoy feeling a sense of urgency, or

(B)  hold back if feeling any sense of urgency?


The majority of respondents do not enjoy feeling a sense of urgency.  While 32% of the men were in favor of such a feeling, only 20% of the women responded positively. 


For many men, feeling of a sense of urgency, especially from their partners, has been a catalyst for them to seek professional help when they have reacted unfavorably.  Men have reported that feeling a sense of urgency has impeded their ability to perform.  Unfortunately too many cultural messages pervade that sex is about performance.  It is reinforced constantly from the unrealistic view of sexuality that is pervasive in the pornography industry to the advertisements that bombard the male psyche from the pharmaceutical companies specializing in the erectile dysfunction [ED] medications.  One notable tag line is “be ready when the time is right!”  One not familiar with what 

ED medications are for might question – “what does ready mean?”  It is clearly about performing. 


Given the disparity in the responsibilities for the house and family between women and men might lead us to conclude why 80% of the women hold back if feeling any sense of urgency.  Sex can be just one more thing to be checked off of an already too long list of things to take care of in addition to maintaining a career outside the home.  Another reason is that urgency often translates into “stress” when too few resources [i.e. time] are available, not to mention the energy required to make sex enjoyable. 


This question presents with an excellent opportunity to open the dialogue around sexual matters and, like the previous question about sexual wants, provides the space to talk about what you really need from your partner. 


Men responded A=32 / H=68

Women A=20 /  H=80


To take the BSPI Survey visit: 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

BSPI Question 16

What’s Your Sexual Preference?


         Found at:

 This is the 16th question in my survey and asks:


16.  In your sexual relationship[s] are you

(A)  unsure of what you want, or

(B)  sure of what you want?


It may surprise some that ¾ of the men surveyed are unsure of what they want in their sexual relationships, while more than half but not as many women [60%] were equally unsure.  One reason for the higher numbers of unsure partners may have to do with how comfortable you are at communicating your sexual needs. 

Communication ranks at the top of the list of what couples struggle with the most when it comes to sexual matters.  Usually it is due to a lack of communicating effectively with each other.  As a sex therapist, this is what finally brought many couples to seek out professional help, when they can no longer deal with their issues on their own. 


It is interesting to listen how for so many, in the early stages of a developing relationship, communication seems to be so easy and comfortable.  It appears that communications run the biggest risk of deteriorating when emotional distancing creeps into the relationship.  Like weeds in the garden if you don’t tend them, they will over run your crops threatening a bountiful harvest.  Relationships are no different – they need tending to or they will fall apart.  Communication is a rich nutrient that keeps the relationship healthy and growing strong!


Men responded S=75 / D=25

Women S=60 /  D=40


To take the BSPI Survey visit: 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit: