BSPI Question 22

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

 

This is the 22^nd question in my survey and asks:

 

1. In reading for sexual pleasure, do you more often enjoy

1. erotic fantasy, or [I]

2. real life experiences? [T]

    

   65% of the men and 47% of the women reported that they enjoy reading about erotic fantasy.  53% of the women and 35% of the men prefer to read about real life experiences.  This presents a great opportunity for couples to talk about what in the stories are arousing and to find ways to share in their partner’s excitement.  However, it also represents one of the biggest challenges for couples to share by being vulnerable enough to admit what is going on in your mind.  People fear being judged that if they reveal something they like in a story that their partner thinks is gross or distasteful that they will be viewed negatively.  A suggestion, if you are fearful of being judged negatively, then discuss that with your partner before you go any further.  Speaking of negativity and how it can translate into an unhappy relationship – in the book – The Normal Bar – 74% of the people surveyed around the world reported that the key to building a healthy relationship is to be happy, which translates into positivity!  Your challenge is to look for ways to inject happiness, appreciation and positivity into your relationships.

BSPI Question 20

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

 

This is the 20^th question in my survey and asks:

 

1. When you are trying a new sexual activity, do you like to

1. take your time and mindfully proceed, or

2. jump in and go with the flow?

    

    

   Men and women responded equally to this question.  Approximately one third of the survey respondents want to take their time while the other two thirds want to jump in.  Research has clearly demonstrated that novelty is what keeps things interesting and moving forward in sexual relationships, so it is no wonder that many of the respondents would be interested in trying something new.  Even though the answers clearly indicate that we would like to try something new – how many of you actually make it a practice?  My challenge for you is to try something different once a month or every other month.  For example, you could consider trying anyone of the following or come up with something on your own:

• Read an erotic story to each other and replace the names with your own
• Try a role play where you may even consider dressing up for the part
• Share a fantasy that your partner does not know about
• Watch an erotic movie together
• Take turns blind folding each other and stimulating with different household items like feathers or silks or food stuffs

 

And remember to always make it about – PLEASURE – FUN – INTIMACY!

 

BSPI Question 19

What’s Your Sexual Preference? 

This is the 19th question in my survey and asks: 

 

19. Do you find it 

1. (A) easy to communicate your sexual needs and desires, or [D] 

2. (B) difficult to communicate your sexual needs and desires? [S] 

  

Among women and men only 45% and 52% respectively find it easy to communicate their sexual needs and/or desires.  What makes it so difficult for so many people?  Communication, communication, communication!!! When you research the origins of the word communication what you learn is that it means to ‘make something common’ and ‘sharing’, i.e. make a community. 

One way to explain the difficulties communicating about sex is that the word ‘common’ is subjective.  In other words, not everyone thinks about sex the same way.  Many people identify sex as only intercourse and that can lead to understanding sex as goal oriented and thus performance based.  This represents a real opportunity to start the discussion with your significant other.  Start asking some questions – what does sex mean to you?  What do want to get out of sex?  How can we make sex more pleasurable, fun and intimate?  One of the best ways to get comfortable communicating about sex is to start a dialogue.  You can use my survey to explore and most of all – have fun! 

 To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Question #15

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

This is the 15^th question in my survey and asks:

 

      15.  Do you prefer to

(A)  outwardly express intense sexual pleasure, or

(B) inwardly experience intense bodily sensations?

 

Both men and women seemed aligned in their preference to outwardly express their sexual pleasure 63% and 60% respectively.  More than half of the people surveyed like to communicate to their partners the pleasure that they are experiencing.  This represents a positive direction towards an opportunity for a deeper intimate bond.   Learning what pleases our partner can be emotionally satisfying for both people.  From a love language perspective where words of affirmation fills your tank, then this expression is packed with a double benefit, one of sharing in your partner’s pleasure while having your own love tank filled.  For those respondents who inwardly experience intense bodily sensations, an opportunity is made available for you to share how your partner has impacted your personal pleasure.  Discussing how wonderful an experience not only strengthens your bond but also lets you relive the good feelings.

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Test Question 3

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the third question in my survey and asks:
     3.     Regarding sexual activity, are you usually:
            (A)    the one to initiate, or
            (B)    passive and acquiescing?

This is the first question where a significant difference between male and females emerge.  78% of the men and 40% of the women responded that they are usually the ones to initiate sexual activity.  I personally think that these results raise more fundamental questions than it answers.  For example, are men conditioned to initiate and are women conditioned to be initiated upon?  If the answer to that question is ‘yes’ then what are the cultural, societal and familial messages that are being reinforced?  I noticed that if you combine the total number of respondents that selected ‘(A) the one to initiate’ that the percentages tend to flatten out – meaning that 53% of the survey respondents initiate sexual activity while 47% prefer to be initiated upon.  

Using the survey as a communications tool, have a discussion with your partner as to what his or her preference is, would like it to be shared, is it a major turn-on if your partner pursues you?

Remember the purpose of the survey is to have fun while being intimate with one another and find ways to make it pleasurable for you.

Take the BSPI© to find out more about your own preferences!

Top 10 that can lower your sex drive

Every now and then I run across something that I think can have an impact on relationships.  The following tips are worth sharing and worth paying attenion to.

Here are the Top 10 That Lower Sex Drive from PleasureMeNow.com

 

1   White bread - Eating refined carbohydrates saps your sexual energy because these foods release sugar too quickly, which leads to an energy slump that can make you too tired for fun in bed. Too much sugar can also make you fat, which causes all sorts of problems, including an increased estrogen level, that lowers testosterone levels in both men and women, causing a lowered libido. People with extra weight also have reduced blood flow to the sex organs, which means less arousal and more frequent bouts of dysfunction.

2   Cold and Flu Remedies - Medicines that contain diphenhydramine or pseudoephedrine not only affect your sex drive but can cause erectile problems. Antihistamines can lead to ejaculation problems as well as low sex drive in both men and women.

3   Iron Deficiency - Low iron levels may reduce the quality of blood flow and sap energy.

4   Blood Pressure Pills - Because these medications reduce heart rate and blood flow, not as much blood gets to the genitals, and function and desire are deminished.

5   Baldness Cures - Men who take the hair loss drug Finasteride (Propecia) can have a significantly reduced libido. It's thought the drug alters levels of important brain chemicals that affect mood and other bodily functions.

6   Losing Pounds too Quickly - Taking weight off too fast can disturb hormones and affect fertility. If you lose more than 10 % of your body weight too quickly, your body goes into starvation mode and all unnecessary functions (such as sex drive) shut down. All you want to do is sleep...

7   Painkillers - Opiate based painkillers such as codeine and morphine can supress activity in the hypothalamus, which causes a release of hormones that suppress libido. If you're worried about your sex drive, stick with painkillers such as paracetamol and ibuprofen.

8   Diabetes - Diabetes can cause nerve ddamage, which means you're less sensitive to touch. It also causes lowered testosterone levels, narrowed arteries and nerve damage which can lead to erectile difficulty.

9   The Pill - The hormones in the Pill trick your body into thinking you're already pregnant and don't need to reproduce. It also lowers testosterone levels, which prevents ovulation and horniness.

10  Antidepressants - Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors - a modern family of antidepressants including Prozac (fluoxetine), Seroxat (paroxetine) and sertraline - cause a loss of libido and delayed orgasm in the majority of people who take them. Older antipsychotic drugs such as haloperidol (Serenace) and chlorpromazine (Largactil) and some newer ones such as risperidone (Risperdal) also affect sexual desire in up to three-quarters of people tested. A new drug called agomelatine (or Valdoxan) does not cause these side-effects, nor does mirtazapine (Avanza, Zispin).

Best communication habit

When it comes to improving the communication in your relationship, there is no better habit than to seek first to understand, then to be understood.  This habit comes from Stephen Covey’s best-seller The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. 

 

Covey said that most people don’t listen to understand but only listen with the intent to reply.  There is a big difference in the way we listen when we are trying to understand the other person versus when we are waiting for the person to stop talking so we can respond.  We run the risk of carrying on monologues instead of dialogues.  It is a true gift to be fully present to another person and let them know you fully understand what has just been said. 

 

When you get really good at this habit – after listening to someone and wanting them to know that you really understood them – you repeat what you heard them say in words better than they could explain it to you.  Remember it’s a habit and will take time and practice, practice, practice to get good at it!

 

 

Cheat Sheet

6 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Strong!

Everyone seems to have too much to do with not enough time to work on the relationship.  Here’s quick cheat sheet to keep your relationship healthy and strong all year long.

1. Communication - Learn to speak your partners love language - e.g. Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts or Touch - fill her/his emotional love tank.
2. Respect - Get in the habit of learning to seek first to understand and then be understood - do not interrupt or minimize/dismiss the feelings of your partner.
3. Quality Time - Take time when kissing your partner - do not rush through it but become mindful and enjoy the experience; Touch - become intentional, hold hands, rub each others shoulders, feet, etc.
4. Appreciation - Consider hand writing your partner a thank you note for something special that was done to or for you.
5. Make No Comparisons - Seek opportunities to genuinely compliment your partner on at least a weekly basis.
6. Pick Your Battles Wisely - Always strive for Win/Win or no deal, this is not a competition.

Maybe you noticed that I borrowed from Gary Chapman’s – The Five Love Languages and Stephen Covey’s – 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to suggest fast and easy ways to keep your relationship happy and healthy.  Start today and experience the difference, after all according to the research your relationship is the absolute most important thing in your life.

Values in a Relationship

A client asked me recently to help him understand the value[s] of being in an intimate relationship with a woman and asked me to share my personal view.  I wished I had a tape recorder because he told me that what I said was extremely helpful for him to hear.  He then recapped very clearly and succinctly all the high points I had made.  I found his question very interesting in that I had never really thought about what my values were in my relationship but was willing to answer his request.  

I started by saying what I value most in my relationship with my fiancé was feeling secure and safe enough to be vulnerable with her.  I trust her unquestionably to be able to share my deepest, darkest fantasies and never worry that she is going to judge me.  I think I had more internal issues with being open than she had to accept what I shared.  

I value that we both feel confident, loved and not insecure that we can share openly our comments about other people that cross our paths and whom we find attractive, sexy and yes even stunning.  I value the trust between us and have no reservations in letting her handle our financial position.  

I value my fiancé’s awesome sense of adventure.  I know she is never pushing an “agenda’ to do what she wants to do but desires us to experience life together in ways that are fun and exciting for both of us.  We have an incredible way of snuggling together while we sleep that I truly value and miss when we are separated.  

Lastly, I value how I feel that no one else in my life has “my back” in every important manner more completely and unconditionally than her.  

It is not that we are without our differences but we find ways to be respectful and caring toward each other.  I taught myself a valuable lesson when I see her “pushing me” to get things done.  She is not being mean or nagging but always has my best interest in mind and wants me to be successful.  She works hard for me and I am not sure she knows how much I appreciate and love her for what she has done, and continues to do, for me.  My client thought she should have been there with us to hear what I had to say as he was touched by my words or as he said “how genuine I sounded when speaking about her”.  So…hopefully now she knows!

So take some time and think about it.  What are your values in your relationship and how do you express them to the one you love?

To connect with me personally, visit the contact page at SexHealthDoc.com.

The Art of Conversation

– Spoken As Dialogue Heard As A Monologue

Recently I gained an insight into how some couples communicate.  My fiancé and I were out with friends when I happened to notice something different about the conversation.  As I sat there and listened to the wife explaining her feelings to her husband, I realized that even though he was hearing what she had to say by way of his eye contact with her, he made no effort to respond.  She then became so frustrated and looked at me, shrugging her shoulders exclaiming, “See, he has nothing to say!  Are all men like that?”  I took the opportunity to relate what I had witnessed and asked for confirmation from the husband, which he was more than happy to oblige.

I explained what I had noticed and could resonate with the discovery as it is something that I do as well.  Many times when men and women are communicating, with the woman carrying the lion’s share of the conversation, the man will sit patiently and listen to what is being said but not reply or respond.  She interprets his silence as he is not listening or that he does not care.  She ends up getting aggravated and he ends up with the “deer in the headlights” look.  His typical response...What?  I was listening.  Her retort…Then say something; anything, so I know you’re here!

I don’t know if it’s a guy thing or what but here is what I discovered

There are times when our partner is speaking – telling us what is going on.  She may tell him how she feels or something that happened with her family or at work.  He was listening for ways to contribute to the conversation and possibly was anticipating a question.  She thinks she is engaged in a dialogue, he hears no opening for a remark or comment, so he assumes it’s a monologue.  My friend jumped in his seat and exclaimed “that’s it!’ just like Charlie Brown did in the comics when Lucy was explaining something he was struggling to understand.

I think it is interesting to note how different we hear what is being said versus what was intended.  Our friends came to an understanding and agreement that night that whenever she is speaking, he would do his best to acknowledge and validate what he heard even if it was going to be a one word response versus silence.

How do you think you can contribute to your conversations with your partner that engages the two of you in a dialogue versus a monologue?

I am a licensed clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist, who has offices in Troy and White Lake, MI.  Additionally, I host a Relationship Fitness Bootcamp at the Niles Center in Troy, Michigan – the next class begins on September 18, 2014.  To register visit TroyCEOnline.  I hope you’ll join me