Best communication habit

When it comes to improving the communication in your relationship, there is no better habit than to seek first to understand, then to be understood.  This habit comes from Stephen Covey’s best-seller The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. 

 

Covey said that most people don’t listen to understand but only listen with the intent to reply.  There is a big difference in the way we listen when we are trying to understand the other person versus when we are waiting for the person to stop talking so we can respond.  We run the risk of carrying on monologues instead of dialogues.  It is a true gift to be fully present to another person and let them know you fully understand what has just been said. 

 

When you get really good at this habit – after listening to someone and wanting them to know that you really understood them – you repeat what you heard them say in words better than they could explain it to you.  Remember it’s a habit and will take time and practice, practice, practice to get good at it!

 

 

Why The Past Keeps Interfering With The Present

One item that will come up from time to time in therapy for couples is that one of them claims the other is always bringing up things from the past.  Inevitably one person always questions the purpose of rehashing things and/or why can’t he or she just let it go?  I carefully explain to my clients that the solution is simple but the execution is difficult.  I like to refer my clients to Stephen Covey’s 5th Habit from his world famous The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  It is learning to Seek First to Understand, Then Be Understood.   I believe the point Covey was trying to make was when we are listening to understand as opposed to responding; we can learn to hear differently what the real issue or issues are.

This is also another way you can acknowledge and validate the other person’s feelings, which I believe will help you and your partner leave the past behind.  When you really master the habit, you will be able to repeat back to your partner what you just understood them to say in words better than they could have explained them to you.  And there in lies the rub, i.e. the execution – because if you allow your emotions to be provoked then the listening stops and the reacting begins.

So if you want to leave the past where it belongs, then remind yourself when you are faced with it in a conversation from someone whom you care deeply for that they are looking for your understanding and not your defense of the situation.

For more information or to work with me please visit SexHealthDoc.com.

How To Cure Sexual Addiction

For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one striking at the root.” 

Henry David Thoreau

When it comes to sexual addiction there has never been any conclusive evidence that any of the sexual addiction therapy modalities actually bring about the lasting cure that many are seeking.  In other words, many have been hacking at the leaves but far too few are striking at the root.

What if addition therapists were able to help their clients strike at the root by facilitating a paradigm shift?  Stephen Covey wrote in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People that if you want to change your attitudes and behaviors, Thoreau’s leaves as it were, then you need to change the paradigms that drive them.  Paradigm defined simply means the way you look at something and/or your way of thinking about it. 

First, it is important to understand the paradigm that drives these sexual obsessive-compulsive behaviors and attitudes.  Zilbergeld wrote in The New Male Sexuality that many boys are initiated into their sexuality around three enduring tenets that of secrecy, privacy and impersonal objectification.  In addition, their personal experiences are usually not only enjoyable, but more pleasurable and satisfying than with their partner.

As an aside, many people wonder ‘why’ this phenomenon is so prevalent and ‘why’ it has become such a problem.  One answer to consider is technology.  Whether we like it or want to admit it – the fact is we are living in a technological epoch.  Computers, smartphones, texting, instant messaging, emails, etc. have created an environment that reduces the need for face-to-face interactions.  As a result, it would seem to suggest that our use of technology has not really brought people closer together physically but electronically.

Adding technology to the mix further complicates and entrenches your way of thinking about and seeing your sexuality making it extremely difficult to change.  However, this information helps tease out your sexual worldview that could provide a cure for those struggling with sexual impulsivity and the accompanying attitudes that go with it.  Perhaps one paradigm shift that would bring about the desired change that many are seeking is to view your sexuality that is personal, i.e. connected, shared and visible in ways that are equally or more pleasurable, fun and intimate. 

The challenge for many people is bringing about a shift in their thinking that is not forced or coerced but desired, wanted and sought after.  If this blog speaks to you and your struggles with pornography and you would like to explore ways to shift your paradigm, visit my "Contact Page" to send me a private email or call me at: 248-906-8301.

Cheat Sheet

6 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Strong!

Everyone seems to have too much to do with not enough time to work on the relationship.  Here’s quick cheat sheet to keep your relationship healthy and strong all year long.

1. Communication - Learn to speak your partners love language - e.g. Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts or Touch - fill her/his emotional love tank.
2. Respect - Get in the habit of learning to seek first to understand and then be understood - do not interrupt or minimize/dismiss the feelings of your partner.
3. Quality Time - Take time when kissing your partner - do not rush through it but become mindful and enjoy the experience; Touch - become intentional, hold hands, rub each others shoulders, feet, etc.
4. Appreciation - Consider hand writing your partner a thank you note for something special that was done to or for you.
5. Make No Comparisons - Seek opportunities to genuinely compliment your partner on at least a weekly basis.
6. Pick Your Battles Wisely - Always strive for Win/Win or no deal, this is not a competition.

Maybe you noticed that I borrowed from Gary Chapman’s – The Five Love Languages and Stephen Covey’s – 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to suggest fast and easy ways to keep your relationship happy and healthy.  Start today and experience the difference, after all according to the research your relationship is the absolute most important thing in your life.

Success = Put first things first

Building a business in a new state can sometimes feel frustrating and overwhelming.  Any business building can feel that way at times.

I want to be successful in developing two areas of business that I feel equally passionate about. One involves coaching executives to create, maintain and foster stronger relationships both professionally and personally. The other area involves working in a therapeutic setting to help individuals and couples create deeper bonds of connection and intimacy in their relationships.

Part of my daily ritual is to learn by reading something new and hopefully, useful in my life, either personally or professionally or both. Recently, I read Stephen Covey’s world famous – The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. While learning about habit 3 – Put first things first – he discussed an ingredient for success that he had read. He said that “successful people do what others who are not successful will not do!” As I thought about this statement, I reflected on two specific examples in my life where this really resonated for me.

The first area was achieving my doctorate degree. I know many people who were never able to finish the journey and enjoy the success. Unfortunately, these individuals gave up and stopped “doing”. After graduating, I researched completion rates for doctoral programs and was very surprised to learn about the high attrition rates experienced by many universities.

The second area that I reflected on, and one that I work at daily, is keeping myself physically fit. An interesting note is that others who have seen me recently have commented how fit I look. I attribute it to the fact that I lost waist and not necessarily weight. I was successful at losing my waist because of what I have been willing to do that many others cannot. I became determined to change two behaviors – one is to stop eating after my dinner and the second was to stop eating – what I called purposeful sugar products, e.g. ice cream, cookies, candies, cake…etc.

Being successful, like Covey reminds us is about putting first things first. If you want to achieve a goal, you have to take steps in that direction everyday – even and especially on, the days you do not feel like doing them.

What steps have you taken today to reach your goal of being successful?

For information visit: SexHealthDoc.com or CrossTheFinishLineCoaching.com.