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Monday, November 3, 2014

The 7 Habits of Highly Fit People #7 - Learn as much about nutrition and fitness as you are interested in!

BECOME A STUDENT OF FITNESS

  1. Get started!
  2. End Goal – weight or waist size or body image?
  3. Kitchen first, gym second!
  4. Win-Win-Win by balancing nutrition, exercise and rest!
  5. Listen to your body – don’t over fuel it or over work it!
  6. Learn what others are doing and share what works for you – synergize!
  7. Learn as much about nutrition and fitness as you are interested in! 
I encourage you to learn whatever you can about your health and fitness.  Read blogs on the Internet, magazines and watch documentaries on how others have managed to make fitness a habit in their lives.  Well known body-builder - Arnold Schwarzenegger was often quoted –“The mind always fails first, not the body.  The secret is to make your mind work for you, not against you.”

There have been so many discoveries made through science and research into the mechanics of how the body operates and functions.  Consider exploring information around anabolic heart rate, cardio workouts, yoga and many, many more.  Think about what you are learning and develop a system to record it.  Possibly carry a journal that you use to capture some of the best practices you are learning.  

Remember to take a holistic approach to your education.  Know the basics about nutrition, exercise and sleep.  Develop an understanding of your body and when the best times are for you to engage in certain activities.  Some people are morning folks and function best when first waking up, while others use the end of the day to workout the stresses of the day.  There is no right or wrong here – it is just a matter of preferences.

I hope you have found The 7 Habits of Highly Fit People to be an inspiration for you to become fit.  Your feedback is always welcome!

Monday, October 27, 2014

The 7 Habits of Highly Fit People #6 - Learn what others are doing and share what works for you – synergize!


  1. Get started!
  2. End Goal – weight or waist size or body image?
  3. Kitchen first, gym second!
  4. Win-Win-Win by balancing nutrition, exercise and rest!
  5. Listen to your body – don’t over fuel it or over work it!
  6. Learn what others are doing and share what works for you – synergize!
  7. Learn as much about nutrition and fitness as you are interested in! 

This concept as it relates to fitness, is best described when one looks at team sports.  A team can never expect to be the best unless all are growing in the same direction.  In Daniel James Brown’s – The Boys In The Boat – it was all rowing together in the same direction or what he referred to as getting into their ‘swing’.  Many people that are fit like to workout with others that have similar interests and are usually a very welcoming bunch to anyone just trying to get in shape.  Keep the energy positive around you and run, don’t walk from any negative people in your life that will compromise your goals.

Consider finding a workout buddy – someone who you can count on to help push you forward when you don’t feel like it and vice versa.  The research says that people will usually push themselves harder when they are working with another person.  I did a body building competition with my son a few years back when I turned 55 and he turned 22.  He was certainly a huge inspiration for me and without realizing it pushed me to work harder than I ever imagined possible and I am proud of the accomplishment.

You are never to old to learn and of course, to teach.  Again, I had to take direction from my son to get in the best shape I ever experienced in my life.  I adopted the attitude that when the student is ready to learn the teacher will appear – so be ready if that is your goal!

To connect with me personally, visit the contact page at SexHealthDoc.com.

Monday, October 20, 2014

The 7 Habits of Highly Fit People #5 - Listen to your body – don’t over fuel it or over work it!


  1. Get started!
  2. End Goal – weight or waist size or body image?
  3. Kitchen first, gym second!
  4. Win-Win-Win by balancing nutrition, exercise and rest!
  5. Listen to your body – don’t over fuel it or over work it!
  6. Learn what others are doing and share what works for you – synergize!
  7. Learn as much about nutrition and fitness as you are interested in! 

A lot of us refuse to listen to what our bodies have to tell us.  The easiest examples are around alcohol and caffeine.  Many people I have talked to through the years told me that their bodies get really “sick” when they drink too much or consume too much coffee.  Instead of listening to the body signals, they ignore it and keep on going until they become dependent.  

Our bodies talk to us all the time about nutrition, exercise and rest.  It becomes a conscious effort whether we choose to listen or not.  For example, think about all the warning signals you get from exercise.  If you continue to push yourself after a strain, it could develop into a sprain or worse an internal tear. 

It’s important to change our attitude when our body is speaking to us.  Think of the metaphor of your automobile’s engine – there are gauges to help you know what is going on.  For example, oil pressure, temperature and fuel.  You have learned to read those gauges as warnings that you need to take action and your body is no different.  You use it hard and if you don’t bother with proper nutrition or rest, and it will stop running altogether.

To connect with me personally, visit the contact page at SexHealthDoc.com.

Monday, October 13, 2014

7 habits of highly fit people #4 - Win-Win-Win by balancing nutrition, exercise and rest!


  1. Get started!
  2. End Goal – weight or waist size or body image?
  3. Kitchen first, gym second!
  4. Win-Win-Win by balancing nutrition, exercise and rest!
  5. Listen to your body – don’t over fuel it or over work it!
  6. Learn what others are doing and share what works for you – synergize!
  7. Learn as much about nutrition and fitness as you are interested in!

Fit people know the benefits of healthy nutritional choices, coupled with exercise and sleep.  There is so much research coming out on the effects of too little sleep or sleep that is constantly interrupted.  As hard as this might be to believe, some of the healthiest people are getting 7 -9 hours of uninterrupted sleep daily.  

The health benefits are remarkable in reducing stress levels, increasing energy and improving attitude. 

Finding the balance for exercise may prove to be a bit of a challenge for many people who spend long hours at the office.  No matter what the research says, people tend to disregard the findings that clearly state there is a slide of diminishing returns when one works past 40 hours.  The research claims you are not as productive after 40 hours as you were before.  Be that as it may, try to fit some extra walking in during your day.  

Learn to be creative, try a walking meeting instead of sitting for one or take the stairs instead of the elevator. If you have an office and can close the door, think of doing some pushups in between calls or you can even try the 7 Minutes workout – an App on your smart phone.  I have found a wearable device, such as Fitbit to be incredibly motivating.

Finally, refer to Habit 3 – Kitchen first, gym second to consider how to make healthier nutritional choices.

To connect with me personally, visit the contact page at SexHealthDoc.com.

Monday, October 6, 2014

7 Habits of Highly Fit People #3 - Kitchen First



  1. Get started!
  2. End Goal – weight or waist size or body image?
  3. Kitchen first, gym second!
  4. Win-Win-Win by balancing nutrition, exercise and rest!
  5. Listen to your body – don’t over fuel it or over work it!
  6. Learn what others are doing and share what works for you – synergize!
  7. Learn as much about nutrition and fitness as you are interested in!

Getting your body in shape starts in the kitchen.  As much as I don’t like to admit it – the saying holds true – you are what you eat!  So dump the processed sugars, reduce your caffeine intake, moderate the alcohol or just try starting to consume water as your only beverage.  I know it sounds harsh but you just might be surprised at how much different your food tastes.  Explore a bit on foods that you would enjoy and that are healthy for you.  Rubs and spices can enhance the flavor to something you could really enjoy. 

I think one of the biggest problems people can have with this habit is in regards to taste.  Many of us complain that eating healthy does not always taste good or delicious.  This is one area that pays off with huge dividends if we are willing to research a little and expand our network to possibly include a nutritionist and/or consult with a chef.  

Personally I have learned to substitute spinach for all my salads and incorporate fresh fruits in along with protein sources such as chicken.  There are many great Apps for the smartphone to help make good nutritional decisions.

To connect with me personally, visit the contact page at SexHealthDoc.com.

Monday, September 29, 2014

The 7 Habits of Highly Fit People #2 - End Goal


  1. Get started!
  2. End Goal – weight or waist size or body image?
  3. Kitchen first, gym second!
  4. Win-Win-Win by balancing nutrition, exercise and rest!
  5. Listen to your body – don’t over fuel it or over work it
  6. Learn what others are doing and share what works for you – synergize!
  7. Learn as much about nutrition and fitness as you are interested in!

Besides the Zig Ziglar quote pictured here, I like Tony Robbins quote – 'setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible!’  I encourage you to get a vision of what you want to look like or feel like and then never lose sight of it.  Make a picture board of images that represent your goal as a daily reminder to you of your destination.  Don’t give up on yourself – people that are successful are willing to do what unsuccessful people are not! 

The END GOAL in mind is like following a recipe.  If you are good at guesstimating how much needs to go in then you can “wing it” and get the results without a tight structure.  However, if you are one of those people who are more successful in following a stricter path, then by all means follow the directions – set a weekly workout and nutrition schedule.  This is all a matter of preference and one way is not necessarily better than an other when it comes to the results that you are looking for and will be happy with.  

Monday, September 22, 2014

The 7 Habits of Highly Fit People


If becoming fit is your goal then look no further to learn how to just [as the Nike ads read] do it!  

sexhealthdoc.comBecoming fit takes a personal commitment that no one else can do for you.  You can’t get others to eat better for you or exercise or sleep for you – only you can do it for yourself.  As someone who has been more or less fit his entire life, I feel I am somewhat of a subject matter expert on what it takes to get and stay fit.  

First let me preface, I did not come from a family who valued fitness or had “good genes”, but what I did have was determination and a willingness to make smarter choices regarding my overall health.  

As I reflected on those choices, I became keenly aware of some habits that all fit people share.  Borrowing shamelessly from Stephen Covey: The 7 Habits of Highly Fit People are:
  1. Get started!
  2.  End Goal – weight or waist size or body image?
  3. Kitchen first, gym second!
  4. Win-Win-Win by balancing nutrition, exercise and rest!
  5. Listen to your body – don’t over fuel it or over work it!
  6. Learn what others are doing and share what works for you – synergize!
  7. Learn as much about nutrition and fitness as you are interested in!

 My goal over the next seven weeks is to give you a little more information about each and everyone of these habits and how they may work for you.  My disclaimer up front is that this is nothing I invented or created.  I just gathered all the information into one place that will help you think through and adopt an attitude of getting yourself fit.  Remember fit is like one of those words such as normal where the definition that can be most helpful is the way in which you define it.  

With all that said, let’s take a look at the first and Get Started

GET STARTED

One of the most difficult steps for people to take when they have decided to change to improve their health is the first step.  Taking that first step is one of the biggest obstacles many people face in starting almost anything.  

The first step is about believing you can or as Henry Ford said – “whether you think you can or cannot, you’re right!’  So don’t delay – start today – you’ll be glad you did!  A friend of mine recently reminded me that the toughest piece of equipment to operate in a gym is the front door!   What helped me open that door was not wanting to feel the way I did anymore.  Rather than it being a practical decision, it became an emotional one.

Think about your attitude – do you have the right one to help you GET STARTED?  Attitude is something you choose – no one gives it to you and no one takes it away from you.  So think about how you can choose the best attitude for you that supports the direction you want to take to get into feeling the best about yourself that you have ever experienced.

Once you GET STARTED and you will be glad you did, you might be surprised to see how quickly one good decision leads to another like the laws of attraction always talk about.  You will attract many other healthy habits into your lifestyle just by – you guessed it – GETting STARTED!

To connect with me personally, visit the contact page at SexHealthDoc.com.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Values in a Relationship

A client asked me recently to help him understand the value[s] of being in an intimate relationship with a woman and asked me to share my personal view.  I wished I had a tape recorder because he told me that what I said was extremely helpful for him to hear.  He then recapped very clearly and succinctly all the high points I had made.  I found his question very interesting in that I had never really thought about what my values were in my relationship but was willing to answer his request.  

I started by saying what I value most in my relationship with my fiancé was feeling secure and safe enough to be vulnerable with her.  I trust her unquestionably to be able to share my deepest, darkest fantasies and never worry that she is going to judge me.  I think I had more internal issues with being open than she had to accept what I shared.  

I value that we both feel confident, loved and not insecure that we can share openly our comments about other people that cross our paths and whom we find attractive, sexy and yes even stunning.  I value the trust between us and have no reservations in letting her handle our financial position.  

I value my fiancé’s awesome sense of adventure.  I know she is never pushing an “agenda’ to do what she wants to do but desires us to experience life together in ways that are fun and exciting for both of us.  We have an incredible way of snuggling together while we sleep that I truly value and miss when we are separated.  

Lastly, I value how I feel that no one else in my life has “my back” in every important manner more completely and unconditionally than her.  

It is not that we are without our differences but we find ways to be respectful and caring toward each other.  I taught myself a valuable lesson when I see her “pushing me” to get things done.  She is not being mean or nagging but always has my best interest in mind and wants me to be successful.  She works hard for me and I am not sure she knows how much I appreciate and love her for what she has done, and continues to do, for me.  My client thought she should have been there with us to hear what I had to say as he was touched by my words or as he said “how genuine I sounded when speaking about her”.  So…hopefully now she knows!

So take some time and think about it.  What are your values in your relationship and how do you express them to the one you love?

To connect with me personally, visit the contact page at SexHealthDoc.com.

Monday, September 8, 2014

The Art of Conversation

– Spoken As Dialogue Heard As A Monologue

Recently I gained an insight into how some couples communicate.  My fiancé and I were out with friends when I happened to notice something different about the conversation.  As I sat there and listened to the wife explaining her feelings to her husband, I realized that even though he was hearing what she had to say by way of his eye contact with her, he made no effort to respond.  She then became so frustrated and looked at me, shrugging her shoulders exclaiming, “See, he has nothing to say!  Are all men like that?”  I took the opportunity to relate what I had witnessed and asked for confirmation from the husband, which he was more than happy to oblige.

I explained what I had noticed and could resonate with the discovery as it is something that I do as well.  Many times when men and women are communicating, with the woman carrying the lion’s share of the conversation, the man will sit patiently and listen to what is being said but not reply or respond.  She interprets his silence as he is not listening or that he does not care.  She ends up getting aggravated and he ends up with the “deer in the headlights” look.  His typical response...What?  I was listening.  Her retort…Then say something; anything, so I know you’re here!

I don’t know if it’s a guy thing or what but here is what I discovered

There are times when our partner is speaking – telling us what is going on.  She may tell him how she feels or something that happened with her family or at work.  He was listening for ways to contribute to the conversation and possibly was anticipating a question.  She thinks she is engaged in a dialogue, he hears no opening for a remark or comment, so he assumes it’s a monologue.  My friend jumped in his seat and exclaimed “that’s it!’ just like Charlie Brown did in the comics when Lucy was explaining something he was struggling to understand.

I think it is interesting to note how different we hear what is being said versus what was intended.  Our friends came to an understanding and agreement that night that whenever she is speaking, he would do his best to acknowledge and validate what he heard even if it was going to be a one word response versus silence.

How do you think you can contribute to your conversations with your partner that engages the two of you in a dialogue versus a monologue?

I am a licensed clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist, who has offices in Troy and White Lake, MI.  Additionally, I host a Relationship Fitness Bootcamp at the Niles Center in Troy, Michigan – the next class begins on September 18, 2014.  To register visit TroyCEOnline.  I hope you’ll join me



Monday, August 25, 2014

Internet and the Proliferation of Compulsive Sexual Gazing & Engagement

A point that needs discussing is the issues regarding Online Sexual Addiction [OSA] and the use of pornography.  In the book, "The Guide to Getting It On", byPaul Joannides, there is a very healthy and thoughtful discussion regarding OSA.  Pictures of naked people engaged in various sexual acts have been around since the dawn of time and they are not likely to ever go away.

 
We need to learn a healthy way to educate our children and adolescents on the proper use of our bodies and stop setting it up to become something so forbidden that we find ourselves desperately seeking out these images in ways that can lead to obsessive-compulsive behaviors.  It only becomes a problem if we make it that way and we have certainly gone out of our way to make it such, so much so that a whole field of therapy and counseling has been established to help those afflicted in order to find relief from the distressing effects of looking at too many digitized images of naked people engaged in anything sexual.

There is an interesting article where Raymond Lawrence an Episcopal cleric takes on the subject of sexual addiction and claims it to be nothing short of another attempt of Western Christianity Religious belief systems to control ones’ sexual pleasure, which given their history – is destined to fail – “Sex is not an addictive substance. It’s a human interaction on which the survival of the species is dependent. It is also possibly the most pleasurable and sought after activity known to humankind, and arguably an experience no one should be deprived of. Most normal people consider, more rather than less, sexual pleasure to be a major objective in life.”  As I reflected on his comment, I was also struck by the fact that so many people are struggling with this in their relationships and truly do need help…but help with what? 

If one were not in a relationship, would it still be a problem?  You could easily answer “yes” if it impacts ones’ employment or finances or any legal ramifications if what one seeks is judicially wrong.  However, most people I see in my practice are there because of their relationship being in trouble – in other words they got caught.  As absurd as this may sound, what if you compare this situation to someone who takes exercise to the extreme?  One could get in the same problems at work, with money and legally if one decided to ‘break in’ and steal the use of equipment.  Would we call this extreme excessive exercise addiction or as some believe ‘compulsive behavior’?  Since addiction appears to be coupled with substances like cocaine, heroin, and alcohol maybe we should/need to rethink the use of the word addiction.  Should we consider whether or not addiction is the best avenue to take when trying to describe and understand one’s need/consuming desire to seek out and engage in sexually explicit encounters?

Men & Masturbation
Results of the Beiter Sexuality Preference Indicator, BSPI survey, a communications tool to help individuals understand their own sexual preferences, indicated that the majority of men have coagulated around one particular set of preferences: Dominant, Touch, Physical and Adventurous.  As I reflected, I thought about how males typically get introduced into their sexuality at least from my own experience and those I have counseled since developing the BSPI.  The common themes include:
     Privacy
     Secrecy
     Little to no communication and not any sharing
     Forbidden images – magazines, movies, books, Internet
     Typically alone

Men, think about the first time you can remember getting an erection.  Typically, if it happened while you were asleep, you weren’t jumping out of bed and running down the hall to ask your parents.  If it happened at school, you were not wildly waving trying to get your teachers attention to ask her what was going on in your pants.  If you happened across a stash of pornographic images and got erotically excited you kept it to yourself.  In case you had not noticed what was common in what I just described is that sexuality for males is learned and practiced in isolation by masturbating. 

Masturbation for most males is a solo event and not discussed with anyone.  It becomes a conditioned behavior if you think about it.  In other words, it is done alone, in many cases with a visual image stimulant and not discussed.  Male sexuality gets positively reinforced without the benefit of a relationship with another and without language, vocabulary and/or communication. 

One other colossally monumental point to make is that what turns us on for the first time and many times thereafter is most likely never the person we end up with in a relationship.  So the question that begs to be asked is: “Given those facts about how males may develop sexually – how are they supposed to seamlessly switch from internalizing their sexuality to miraculously sharing and communicating their sexual needs to a partner?  The answer for many men is that they do not or cannot and then they are accused of being emotionally distant and/or distracted. 

There is a cultural expectation that has been reinforced for time continuum that once one is in a relationship with another they must remain devoted in all aspects to their partner.  I liken that to a man conditioning himself his whole life to play football.  He runs the drills, does the requisite exercises, learns the plays, etc.  Now when it comes time to play his first game – someone hands him a baseball glove and bat and tells him to go play!  Any we wonder why men struggle in relationships where they have been conditioned themselves to play solo?


For information on the BSPI survey or to schedule an appointment with me please visit the contact page at SexHealthDoc.com.  

Monday, August 18, 2014

Performance or Pleasure? – You Decide!

My previous Blog - HistoryEven a Sexual One Has a Way of Repeating Itself - reminded us that too many times we learn plenty “about” sex but have learned very little “from” sex.  The main justification for this statement is that we continue, as did all the generations before us, to view sex as intercourse and all about performance.  Let’s face it, this notion is supported through all the religions that promote procreation as the only valid reason for having “sex” and is certainly supported today by the pharmaceutical industries that peddle the “magic elixir” to make one ready when the time is right!

 A man’s masculinity will be challenged if he is not able to get and maintain an erection and “perform” for his partner so that she will be pleased as well.  And yes, women are just as invested in the erection as men; in some cases maybe even more.  If he cannot “get it up” i.e. “perform” she will think that she is not sexy enough and her self-esteem and sexual self-confidence can take a pretty hard hit.  So why do we persist down this path when we are full aware of the dysfunctional end? 

Let’s take a few steps backward.  Let us go back to the place where our sexual engine was turned on for the first time.  Think about what was really important to you then?  If I am not mistaken, it would be all about experiencing the most pleasure possible.  Hmmm maybe we’re onto something here!  I’m pretty sure guys were not talking to their penises, asking – hey what gives, how come you didn’t last long enough – how ever one translates ‘long enough’. And if gals even thought of sexually touching themselves – mostly not encouraged and marginally supported even today – I am again pretty sure they were not contemplating how long a male partner might or should last. 

So what is interesting to ponder in these terms is that performance sexuality is a learned and conditioned response and not “natural” as many would have us believe.  So why not challenge yourself the next time you decide to engage sexually with each other to share, experience, and enjoy as much fun and pleasure as possible?  This means letting go of sexual encounters that are judged by stopwatches, erect penises, wet vaginas and dual orgasms, which can hamper our abilities to fully engage with our partners. 

So, go ahead – take the 30-day Pleasure Challenge – I dare you!


To connect with me personally, visit the contact page at SexHealthDoc.com.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Humble beginnings as a Sex Therapist

Many have asked me how I got started as a sex therapist especially when they discover that my doctorate was received in clinical psychology.  It always reminds me of a friend of mine who once casually mentioned that there are defining times in our lives that we are completely unaware of that point us in the direction we will ultimately head.  For me, that came in my tenth grade English class. 

I volunteered to do a book report with an accompanying class presentation on sex education.  Fortunate for me at the time, my oldest sister had just returned home from college and loaded up the family bookshelves with her stash of texts and paperbacks.  To prepare for my class project, I decided to read David Rueben’sclassic: Everything You Always Wanted ToKnow About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask.  My approach was to educate my classmates on the seemingly purposeful lack of information that we received in school, particularly in health class. 

I began my infamous presentation by posting the following words on the chalkboard: Cunnilingus / Clitoris / Fellatio.  My classmates including the substitute teacher [a female] remained motionless and made no comment and had no reaction even when I asked if anyone knew what two of the words meant?  In order to facilitate the teachings, I suggested that the girls in the classroom write down these words, take them home to mother and ask her to explain, since one was their body part.  [I can only humorously imagine what that conversation would have been like that night for some if they had acted on my suggestion.] 

I continued on without interruption until I came to my summation point, when I decided it was time to let them know what I really thought about the public school system and its way of preparing us for the “sexual world”.  So I stated “You are all going to find out very soon that there is a lot more to sexual intercourse than a man sticking his penis into a woman’s vagina.”  Needless to say, this declaration forced the ending of my presentation, everyone in the room was familiar with those words as the class erupted with an explosion of laughter and the teacher finally came to life ordering me to cease and desist and take my seat.  Fearful of being suspended from school, I informed my parents that evening of the day’s events and my father while doing his best to stifle the laughter, assured me that it would be “fine” with him as he said, “at least you told them the truth!”

While that event happened over 30 years ago, I personally have not seen much progress in our ability to become more comfortable with educational matters regarding our sexuality.  This realization came at a very high price to me while completing my doctoral studies.  One may call it déjà vu but 32 years later I was making a presentation to my classmates involving gender representations of masculinity and femininity when I was almost terminally expelled from the program after one of the students had a visceral reaction to a particular way a research participant chose to display his masculinity.  The school thought it would be “in my best interest” to receive ethics consultation from a licensed psychologist of their choice at my expense and that failure to act on this “recommendation” would most assuredly result in my expulsion.  I had been advised to “lay low” and let it blow over and not make an issue of it.  It comes then as no surprise that many people continue to feel “threatened” by their own sexuality or the discussion thereof. 


What I think is interesting to note and contrast is that in Esther Perel’s – Mating in Captivity – she reveals that the research has indicated that the United States has the highest rate of teenage pregnancy of any developed country and scores lowest when it comes to sex education.  One of my attempts then with this blog is to support my fellow educators and help debunk a lot of the common myths and misunderstandings in the field of human sexuality.

Connect with me through my Contact page at SexHealthDoc.com for relationship issues, sexual health and more!

Monday, August 4, 2014

Go figure

I spend hours weekly trying to improve ‘my craft’ by reading, studying or attending workshops in my chosen profession of a sex therapist.  One timeless text I’ve been reading isBernie Zilbergeld’s The New Male Sexuality.  As I reflect on Bernie’s writings and the latest rush of clients that have passed my threshold seeking relief for what sexually ails them, one concern that comes [no pun intended] up [again, no pun intended] is that of sexual compatibility between men and women.  Let’s take a minute or ten and think this through.


Zilbergeld claimed there were a minimum of three anchor points that males are taught regarding their sexuality – that it should be private, secret and above all else impersonal. As boys we receive clear cultural messages that masturbation is normal for us even though we are never encouraged to discuss our self-pleasuring escapades, thus, we learn at an early age that sex [as described as erection and ejaculation] is not based on relationships.  We are encouraged by our peers, family members, friends and social media that as a man – we should sow our wild oats.  It becomes all about the numbers and performance [another problem I will address in a later Blog].  Most of us hit the masturbatory trail at puberty and again for most – always know where and how to return to that path regardless of our age or position in our relationships.  Yes, please read between the lines, most of us never stop masturbating our entire lives and it happens all the time in committed relationships.  I remember reading some research findings not long ago that stated that men in committed relationships tend to masturbate more often than those single people…Go Figure.

So let us Go Figure…why do you think that is?  This question also brings me back to the therapeutic office where the wife is complaining that she does not understand how her husband can think of anyone but her during their sexual interludes.  Let me restate one perspective, boys have received cultural messages that it is ‘ok’ to masturbate to images found in magazines, movies and the Internet.  They learn to self-pleasure as they reach puberty and continually reinforce this behavior with secret, private and impersonal images of those they do not know or if they do know – do not necessarily have any emotional connection with that person.  So here is this young boy finding sexual pleasure in the images he has been exposed to for years and years and the fantasies he has created within his own mind – this is how he has been introduced and indoctrinated into his sexuality. 

Conversely, the women did not receive those same messages but ones that link sexual activity with emotional and relationship stability with one person.  Eventually, when they come together [they wish – and again no pun intended] as a couple – somehow there is supposed to be these magical transformations [mixing oil & water] where his sexual desires and satisfactions will now focus solely on just her, leaving behind forever the multitude of impersonal, secretive and private images of his past that had been reinforced for years…Go Figure!...again remind me, how is this to happen?

Now at this point some of you will vehemently deny that you support such a notion of sexuality and certainly are not promoting these kinds of behavior.  To drive home my point, I want to share a statistic I picked a few years ago at a presentation by Stefanie Carnes [daughter of Patrick Carnes famous for his work – Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction] had made to a group of Mental Health Professionals interested in learning about sexual addiction/compulsivity.  She presented a slide titled – Number of Porn Pages by Country – the top five countries included Japan [5] with 2.7 million pages; Australia [4] with 5.7 million pages; United Kingdom [3] with 8.5 million pages; Germany [2] with 10 million pages; and topping out the number one spot was the United States standing like a giant above the rest with 245 million pages.  In spite of that number being the staggering one that it is, another point comes to mind living in the capitalistic society that we do.  From a production and inventory capacity we are creating a huge amount of product that will need to be consumed…and what better way to create the demand for the supply than to prime our males with the desire and want for these private, secret and certainly impersonal images, thus, continually developing our boys to men along the lines Zilbergeld discovered almost two decades ago. 

As men, as a society, as a culture we need to break this pattern so that our sons and daughters can enter sexual relations with realistic and emotionally and relation-ally aligned expectations.  It’s all about choices and attitudes…Go Figure!

Ready to change your attitude about sex and life, visit the Contact page on my website, SexHealthDoc.com!  I see clients in Michigan, Pennsylvania, and via the internet.  


Monday, July 28, 2014

History - Even a Sexual One Has a Way of Repeating Itself

Some years ago I was listening to a member of the graduating class of the Liberal Arts University I attended deliver her commencement address. This wonderful young lady gave such a moving and memorable speech.  The part that stood out for me most was the following line: “We learn so much about history but we never seem to learn from it!”  These prophetic words would visit me time and time again.  Much has been said and written about sex and yet we do not seem to learn from it. 

What I see lacking many times is the motivation to change.  I apologize ahead of time for using a mechanistic analogy but many times I can explain to an individual or couple how the sex “engine” operates but that does not change its function.  In other words, just knowing you have 6-cylinder does not change into a V-8.  So the real question we need to continually ask ourselves is how we can learn from what we know about sex? 

The Beiter Sexual Preference Indicator, BSPI tells us that women and men do take up their sexuality differently.  Men appear to be more restrictive in their sexual expression while woman appear to be more variable.  The cultural messages for both men and women differ and that would help answer the difference.  As I think about it from a male perspective, I am reminded that many men were introduced into their sexuality around three common themes: secrecy, privacy and impersonal. 

For many of us our first exposure to the sexual in life was through printed images be they paper or videotape, that is through magazines or movies.  There was usually no dialogue going on with anyone when were first exposed – no pun intended.  No one sat me down and said, “ok, here is what is going on and what you are most likely to experience physically and emotionally and sexually.”  It was a private moment and a secret one and we typically do not know the person we are being exposed to – pun intended.  Even if our masturbatory trail was discovered, i.e. wet dreams, dried semen on sheets, towels, t-shirts, etc. nothing was usually said, thus, enforcing a code of secrecy and privacy.  Now let us add on top of this scenario, years of conditioning that is self-pleasuring to the point of orgasm without an emotional or intimate connection to anyone and what do you think we get?  Now try and couple this with an individual who has been “conditioned” to think that sex is special and should be reserved for that one special person whom you plan on establishing a long term relationship with and the result is – no surprise - sexual dysfunction or an inability to connect.  However, for many there is a surprise and once again I want to remind you that we need to go back to my original point that we have learned much “about” but little “from” and in my mind – no wonder!

How do we connect two people with such dissimilar backgrounds and foundational sexual messages?  I assure you, the expectations are real and sometimes seem almost surreal.  Think about how males are conditioned to expect and associate pleasure from impersonal connections with images of individuals they do not know and how this has spawned and daily feeds the flourishing phenomenon of Internet porn compulsive behaviors.  We now know that exposing very young males to pornographic images as a means of educating them around their sexuality has life-long and sometimes devastating consequences. 

I see it every week in my clinical practice.  A wife discovers – through the history function of the family computer – her husband surfing the Internet looking at pornographic images at night after she falls asleep and he is reprimanded into therapy because he has betrayed the trust in their marital relationship.  When asked if he would be there [in therapy] if he had not been caught – the answer is always “no”.  Typically, the only thing he sees “wrong” is that he got caught and that she is emotionally upset, but he does not rest the status of the relationship as having had an affair.  Often for him it was no different than what he has been conditioned to do when he feels “sexual” and that is go into private, secret and impersonal mode.  Does it mean that he is dissatisfied with his sexual relationship with his partner sometimes yes and more often “no”. 


Unfortunately, it takes events of these magnitudes to start the often, continued awkward dialogues around sexuality and to go even further around what arouses us to the point of distraction.  Does it not seem obvious that we could save ourselves a whole lot of grief and aggravation if we would just start educating everyone earlier with clear and consistent messages about human sexuality?  

Want to talk?  Visit the Contact page at SexHealthDoc.com.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Hardwired or Conditioned?

A little ‘aha’ moment of mine.  As a boy, I was raised/conditioned to keep my emotions in check.  Basically, as males we are taught to avoid being emotionally vulnerable in any relationship.  We receive continual reinforcement to keep tears away, private or deny them completely, probably by age 10.  We are taught to ‘hang tough’, ‘take it on the chin’, ‘rub dirt on it’, etc. 

Vulnerability is not an option for most males or so we are lead to believe.  As a result, we typically build elaborate cognitive labyrinths to keep any emotions from seeping through.  This means we are implicitly lead to enter into relationships armed with this way of being – i.e. not feeling with our partners.  Many male therapy patients have stated such when reporting past successes when they really did not “feel” anything for their partner, or in other words were emotionally disconnected. 

The problem emerging for some men is when they truly do start to “feel” or become emotionally connected and/or vulnerable when getting intimately close to their current partner.  Anxiety levels spike as one feels emotionally vulnerable in ways that he typically cannot explain and had previously alienated himself from feeling.  As anxiety rises to the North – arousal and along with it erection usually heads for the Deep South.  Let me point out that my professional opinion about erectile dysfunction is that it is usually mislabeled.  If you have received a thorough examination from a competent urologist and you are able to masturbate without issue then guess what – the erection is working as it should or should not…where the problem becomes evident is when another person enters the picture – that is when the relationship with the ‘other’ becomes dysfunctional and not the penis.

The question remains is how do we educate/condition our males to permit a healthy exposure to becoming more accepting of vulnerability – emotional or otherwise?  Fathers have to teach their sons [what some if not most men do not even have a clue as to how] and we need to learn as a society to value emotions in all there wonderful variations and not limit them to a handful.   Just like the push in recent years has been to accept diversity, we need to do the same for the acceptance of and embracing of emotional diversity.

Connect with me by visiting the contact page at SexHealthDoc.com


Monday, June 23, 2014

Learning About Sex - From Science

Recently I finished reading my 21st book for the New Year.  My goal had been to read two books monthly – one business and one for pleasure.  As I am somewhat of an over-achiever, it still feels good to be ahead of the curve this month.  The book I just finished: Bonk by Mary Roach, deserves a 5-star rating as far as I am concerned.  It was funny, informative and highly entertaining.  It is one of those books you dread coming to an end.  She is a marvelous writer and excellent storyteller.

One of the points she made that really stuck out for me, and is the purpose of this blog, came as she was discussing the research Masters and Johnson had done on trying to tease out what researchers would label “amazing sex”.

I am going to take a giant leap of faith and guess that with the words “amazing sex” I got your attention, as it did mine.  Mary was interested in learning some special new technique that had eluded the laymen, but was only privy to the researchers who had combed through the work of Masters and Johnson.  Well she got what she was looking for.  It was not something new and wild but something most people who have ever been in a wonderful relationship have known.

What I found was this: The best sex [was experienced] by people who took their time.  They lost themselves – in each other, and in sex. They “tended to move slowly…and to linger at…[each] stage of stimulative response, making each step in tension increment to something to be appreciated…” They teased each other “in an obvious effort to prolong the stimulatee’s high levels of sexual excitation…Another difference was that the partners were almost as aroused by what they were doing to their partner as was the partner herself.”  

So here is your challenge – try to lose yourself in the pleasure and power of turning your partner on.  Take your time to become mindful of your partner’s level of sexual excitation and help her/him to expand her/his pleasure by helping to prolong it.  For those who want an even bigger challenge try talking more easily, often and openly about what you did and did not enjoy while being sexually intimate.

For more information on how you can improve your relationships, including your relationship with yourself, visit SexHealthDoc.com or CrosstheFinishLineCoaching.comhttp://CrosstheFinishLineCoaching.com.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Two Behaviors That Will Help You Lose WAIST

I recently read an article by Art Caplan, PhD titled: It’s Not Genes: People Are Fat Because They Eat Too Much.  Caplan talked about a research study conducted by the University of Cambridge where the results indicated that constant and easy exposure to fast-food restaurants correlated to being diabetic or being fat. 

It sounds like such a common sense thing and yet so many people want to blame it on “bad genes”.  I really liked his point: “Genes certainly play a role in how people handle food, but if you live in a culture that overwhelms you with opportunities to eat junk food and fatty food, even the best genes can easily be overwhelmed.” 

He further points out that, “Bad food opportunities are everywhere...it’s easy, quick and dangerous.”

So if you are looking for a quick and easy solution to getting your weight under control, I have one.  But it is not simple because it requires time and for you to stop engaging in two very undesirable behaviors. 
1.      Stop eating after your dinner, which I assume for most people can be done any 7:30 PM.  If you feel you must have something to eat, then find a fruit or vegetable that you enjoy. 
2.      Stop eating what I call purposeful sugars, such as cakes, cakes, cookies, candies and ice creams. 

If you can change these two behaviors consistently you will start to see your waist get smaller at a minimum, you will probably experience weight loss, cleaner blood, and so much more.  You don’t have to do this forever but it should become the rule and not the exception. 


Of course you can have a day – not days – where you treat yourself but you might just be surprised that once you give it up you may not want to go back because of the amazing way it makes you feel.

For more information on how you can improve your relationships, including your relationship with yourself, visit SexHealthDoc.com or CrosstheFinishLineCoaching.com

Monday, June 9, 2014

Six weird ways to loose weight

(Reprinted from Consumers Choice Health Newsletter published May 22, 2014)

Summer is almost here, and if you're like most people, you're scrambling to get your best summer body. You're not alone!  We all know that diet and exercise are tried and true ways to drop pounds.  But what you probably didn't know are the following 6 weird ways to lose weight that actually work.

  1. A recent study published in the journal Appetite found that people who eat from red plates tend to eat less than people who eat from other colors. And it doesn't have anything to do with the color of the food or the way it contrasts with the color of the plate… it's specifically the color red that causes people to consume less.
  2. Here's a neat trick French women are using to eat less… Next time you sit down to a meal, tie a piece of ribbon around your waist, under your clothes. This helps you stay conscious of your tummy, especially if the ribbon starts to get tighter as you eat!
  3. A study conducted by researchers from Cornell and Binghamton Universities found that paying for food with cash instead of your credit card can help you eat less and make better food choices. That's because when you pay with your credit card, you'll be more likely to impulse buy junk food and other things that are bad for you. Instead, withdraw enough cash to last you the day and leave your plastic at home.
  4. According to Dr. Alan R. Hirsch of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago, people who sniffed apples, bananas, or peppermint throughout the day ate less than people who did not. The sniffers also lost an average of 30 pounds more than the non-sniffers!
  5. Hang a mirror across from your table. Studies have shown that people who eat in front of a mirror tend to consumer a full third less food than those who do not. Looking yourself in the eye as you eat is a great way to remind you of your goals and desire to lose weight.
  6. Brush your teeth with a mint-flavored toothpaste after you eat.  The minty taste will actually trigger your brain into thinking the meal is over, which helps turn off food cravings.  Plus, the scent of mint helps suppress your appetite!
For more information on how you can improve your relationships, including your relationship with yourself, visit SexHealthDoc.com or CrosstheFinishLineCoaching.com.


Monday, June 2, 2014

Success = Put first things first

Building a business in a new state can sometimes feel frustrating and overwhelming.  Any business building can feel that way at times.

I want to be successful in developing two areas of business that I feel equally passionate about. One involves coaching executives to create, maintain and foster stronger relationships both professionally and personally. The other area involves working in a therapeutic setting to help individuals and couples create deeper bonds of connection and intimacy in their relationships.

Part of my daily ritual is to learn by reading something new and hopefully, useful in my life, either personally or professionally or both. Recently, I read Stephen Covey’s world famous – The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. While learning about habit 3 – Put first things first – he discussed an ingredient for success that he had read. He said that “successful people do what others who are not successful will not do!” As I thought about this statement, I reflected on two specific examples in my life where this really resonated for me.

The first area was achieving my doctorate degree. I know many people who were never able to finish the journey and enjoy the success. Unfortunately, these individuals gave up and stopped “doing”. After graduating, I researched completion rates for doctoral programs and was very surprised to learn about the high attrition rates experienced by many universities.

The second area that I reflected on, and one that I work at daily, is keeping myself physically fit. An interesting note is that others who have seen me recently have commented how fit I look. I attribute it to the fact that I lost waist and not necessarily weight. I was successful at losing my waist because of what I have been willing to do that many others cannot. I became determined to change two behaviors – one is to stop eating after my dinner and the second was to stop eating – what I called purposeful sugar products, e.g. ice cream, cookies, candies, cake…etc.

Being successful, like Covey reminds us is about putting first things first. If you want to achieve a goal, you have to take steps in that direction everyday – even and especially on, the days you do not feel like doing them.

What steps have you taken today to reach your goal of being successful?

For information visit: SexHealthDoc.com or CrossTheFinishLineCoaching.com.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Improving your marriage from the time you say ‘I do’

To maintain a happy, healthy relationship, I suggest you concentrate on the small things in your relationship that are often overlooked.  I like to use the metaphor of a garden when describing how husbands and wives can enjoy a lifetime of being connected and close.  You need to work the land - nothing happens if you just plant the seeds.  You need to till the ground, remove the weeds and nourish the soil.  Relationships are the same; they need our attention and nurturing.  

Learn to speak your partner’s love language and perform random acts of kindness.  In all conversations, it is a good practice to seek first to understand, then be understood!  And try not to take each other for granted.  Again it is a good practice to share with your spouse one thing that you are grateful for with her or him.  

The following is a short list of ways to keep intimacy alive and the flame burning brightly between the two of you:

  • Every time you kiss your partner – take your time, especially in the morning and in the evening.
  • Hold hands in the car, on a walk, while you are shopping.
  • Massage parts of your partner’s body – shoulders, arms, back, hands.
  • Keep a “play” date on your calendar with your partner and have fun!
  • Pick a song that has meaning to your relationship and play it while your holding your partner’s hands and looking into their eyes.
  • Consider showering or bathing together – bubbles are your friends!
  • Pick a question to ask each other on a daily basis – such as “what are you looking forward to most in your day today?
  • Surprise your partner with an affectionate gesture in the quiet moments of your day together.
  • The next time you have a conversation with your partner, look into their eyes and pay close attention – do not try to solve anything but just listen.
  • Text your partner a thoughtful, even “sweet” message during the day away from him or her.
  • Set a scene for intimacy – ditch the cell phone, play some music you both enjoy, light a scented candle.

For more information or to schedule a conversation with Dr. Beiter visit:  SexHealthDoc.com



Monday, May 12, 2014

Whats in your name?

I have a funny story about how I was named.  My parents were good friends with the next-door neighbors on each side of our house growing up and since I was the last of four children born, they decided to name me after the first names of both of the husbands.  What is interesting for me is how I have incorporated what I knew about each man into my life. 

The person for whom my middle name bears was a physically strong and meticulous caretaker of their house and property.  Mr. Walter Hohman taught me how to get physically fit using just my body weight.  One of the feats that I had seen him do as a child was to hold himself parallel to the ground while braced on a pole.  I was so intrigued by his strength that I wanted him to show me to do it.  Together we were successful and the following picture shows my ability to hold that position.



To this day, I believe I remain physically fit due to my association with this wonderful man and the fact that I carry his namesake with me.  Mr. Hohman unfortunately passed away many years ago at a very young age, but I am forever grateful for the time he spent with me and what I learned from our relationship.

My first name comes from the neighbor who was a successful businessman.  Mr. John Campbell was an educated man who rose through the ranks of corporate America.  I followed Mr. Campbell’s path into the business world even though he moved away from our neighborhood when I was a young boy.  I lost touch with him after he had been so gracious as to materialize a vision I had as a 12 year-old.  I wrote about it under a separate blog asking you What Is Your Vision?  Mr. Campbell impacted my life in so many great ways and I am still learning from those teachings today.  I am sure he has no idea as to how he impacted my life but once again, I am forever grateful that he did.

There are many lessons that I want to highlight as I close out this blog, but let me leave you with two.  My parents were insightful as to how naming me after the neighbors would positively impact my life.  As parents you do not need to know how your children will be affected by your decisions only that as long as they are made out of love they will forever benefit them.  Individually, you may not be aware or ever know the impact you have on a person’s life, but do your best to be your best and the world will be greatly enhanced by your presence. 

So what’s in your name?  I would love to hear your story.  Please feel free to share your comments below. 

Read more about Dr. Beiter at SexHealthDoc.com or CrosstheFinishlineCoaching.com.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Vision Essentials - After the Lemon Peeler

One of my favorites topics to talk to other people about is vision.   I know from my own personal experience that having a vision and never losing sight of it is part of the process in realizing it. Take a look at last weeks blog, titled "My Lemon Peeler" and you'll see why.  I have learned some really important lessons about having a vision

First, you do not have to worry about how it is going to happen, just don’t lose sight of it. 

Second, you need to keep focused on the vision and not the obstacles you may encounter.  I tell people it’s like learning how to water ski: where you look is where you go, so don’t look down! 

Thirds, is not to worry about the cost of your vision, in many instances it gets paid for by someone other than you.  It’s not like you will not have to make an investment with your time, energy and talents but I am referring to more of a financial one. 

Finally, the last essential piece to obtaining your vision is that it can be helpful to think of your vision from a metaphorical perspective.  It is like asking someone/anyone/everyone for directions [i.e. letting others know where you want to go], if the person you approach is not able to help you then they will usually suggest or lead to someone else that can, but you can never give up or you will never get there.  So keep asking, i.e. letting others know what you want to happen or where you want to go!

For information visit: SexHealthDoc.com or CrossTheFinishLineCoaching.com.

(Picture from Sustainableman.org)

Monday, April 28, 2014

My Lemon Peeler Vision

As a kid I was shy, quiet and reserved [not much has changedJ] and kept pretty much to myself.  In the summer I would tag along with my Dad when he went to cash his paycheck.  On the drive to the bank we would always pass by a familiar bike shop.  To a kid that was like the new car dealer where you could not wait to go in to see and smell all the new merchandise.  Every now and then my dad would visit the service department, which gave me the opportunity to happily kill time in the showroom.  During one particular summer, the Schwinn Bicycle Company had introduced a brand new line of bikes, known as stingrays.  I will never forget the moment I first laid eyes on those magnificent machines: Lemon Peeler, Orange Krate, Apple Krate, Pea Picker.  I was in kid heaven until I saw the price tag, then reality took a bite out of any joy I had.  The price of that bike was over $100, an insurmountable amount of money to a 12 year old kid who was not the best at saving money.

Once I saw those bikes I could not stop thinking about them.  The reality was that my parents were in no position to afford one mainly because there were three other children and all of the financial responsibilities in raising a family.  I let it be known to my few friends and neighbors that I really wanted that bike and thought nothing more of just communicating my dream to own it.  Of course, hope against hope I wished my parents would get me that bike for my birthday or Christmas but that was not to be.

Yet, I was not willing to give up My Vision of getting that bike.  So I decided to reach out to someone I thought could help me.  .  I had learned from my parents that an old neighbor who moved away had taken a job with the manufacturer of the front brake drum that supplied the Schwinn Company.  I wrote him a letter asking him if he could help me.  The following summer my dad received a letter instructing him to take me to the bike shop to pick out a brand new Schwinn Lemon Peeler and that it was paid in full.

It was only until recently that I gained insight into how important that event was in my life and not just the fact that I got a bike for free.  The big lesson for me was that when you have a vision or a dream and do not necessarily have the means to accomplish it, just letting others know about it can help you obtain the dream with their help.  However, if no one knows about your dream or your vision except you – then it is really difficult, if not downright impossible, for it to happen. 


My challenge to you is to take the time to write your vision or visions down and then share, share, share…you might just be surprised at how the universe responds once you let your intentions be known.