Are You Seeking Approval That You Already Have?

I want to think it gets easier as we get older to reflect insight-fully about our past.  My father passed away over 5 years now and yet rarely does a day go by that I don’t think fondly about him.  My Dad was a man of very few words, usually responding to open ended questions with a one-word answer and yet he was the most positive individual I had ever known in my life – never making a disparaging remark about anyone.

Unfortunately, I was one of those kids who needed words of affirmation to feel good about myself.  My Dad showed his love for me in many different ways and again, unfortunately, I was unable to see that through my young, inexperienced eyes.  I recall many times trying to please him through my achievements.

Growing up, I do not recall ever hearing my father say he was proud of me, except one time.  It is one of those memories you will never forget.  The compliment came one winter evening when I was leaving the house to go visit friends and he grabbed my arm and told me how proud he was of me for becoming a doctor and that no one else in our family had ever done that.

As I would find out after his death, he had always been proud of me…but because I needed to hear it and never did I felt compelled to keep trying to win his approval when I already had it.

Let me ask a question, whose approval are you trying to get and just how sure are you that you don’t already have it?

(Picture linked to:  http://motivationalmoments-vwo.blogspot.com/2012/04/how-do-you-acknowledge-peoplenona.html)

Transition and Transformation

I always thought I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up - stability was key.  As I move my life from Pittsburgh to the Detroit area this year I am discovering that my life is more about transitions & transformations than it ever was about stability. One of the main reasons for this late life transition is that I have been involved in a long distance relationship for over 10 years. Now that our separate families have grown up and moved out, we are ready to step up our commitment. Since I was born on a Thursday, I have often reflected on the Mother Goose Monday’s Child Nursery Rhyme that goes: Thursday’s child has far to go – and  here I go, off to Michigan!

My adult life has been clearly marked by many transitions and transformations.
For example, I started out my professional career as an accountant – then transitioned to becoming a banker – then to becoming a corporate manager in treasury & finance – then on to becoming a large corporate organization development consultant, which lead me to my current roles as an executive coach and psychologist. The transition from corporate to clinical was by far the most exciting and demanding journey I have ever taken and also the most rewarding. My passion for wanting to work with people who were struggling while trying to navigate through some of the most troubling waters in their lives is what carried me for over 10 years in pursuit of my doctorate in psychology.

As I ponder the move of my professional life to a Troy-based office, I will be giving up my living space, professional practice and leaving behind a very strong network of wonderful friends, colleagues and co-workers that have been kind and gracious to me these many years. I find it interesting to note that this is a journey in patience, perseverance and the proverbial one-step-at-a-time. The welcoming people of Detroit have embraced me and have been extremely helpful in wanting to see me become successful. I feel they have given so freely and compassionately that it paves my way with courage and confidence.

Of course, no change of this magnitude is without stressors such as starting a new business and wondering how long it will take to get known as a sex therapist and have a steady client base. It was exciting to design, develop and launch a new website – SexHealthDoc.com – which highlights the areas in which I can help others.  Another stressor is transitioning my time and energy between the two cities and making effective use of the commuting by listening to new ideas and thoughts on audio. Of course, there is the “new beginnings” of a wonderful relationship going from an infrequent way of being together to sharing our lives in the same house.

The move into this new phase of my life can feel daunting at times; it is nonetheless full of excitement and adventure.  Off I go!

What The Research Tells Us About The Swinging Lifestyle

A review and comments on the book, Swingng in America

Just the title of this book  - Swinging in America by authors Bergstrand and Sinski will cause much discomfort for many who assume they know what swingers do. What struck me when I first started reading the book was who the authors were and who they were not. They claimed to be the first authors that were not in the ‘lifestyle’ and married, but not to each other and represented a totally different and unbiased perspective. Because of the nature and potential damaging effects of being identified in the ‘lifestyle’ the researchers were still able to get 1,100 participants to help inform and create a knowledge base of what it is like to be non-monogamous.


The book was written in the traditional academic research style. In spite of that I still found it an interesting read. I found it interesting in how the researchers took on the highly debated monogamous relationship and clearly explained how all of the relevant forces have shaped and reinforced it in such a way that anyone trying to break free of the “socially acceptable” mold meets with dire consequences. One is certainly left wondering in the end just how the researchers were impacted by their view of the ‘lifestyle’.

Some of the take away gems that stayed with me were as follows:
• Swinging will never help a relationship in trouble
• Swinging is not for everyone
• One has to be secure in their emotional and physical relationship before ‘swinging’ should be explored
• Go slow and take your time – remember fools rush in where wise men dare to tread
• There are many forms of swinging from soft to full and everything in between
• Those successful in the ‘lifestyle’ have also successfully eliminated relationship killers such as lying, deceitfulness, and cheating
• The ‘lifestyle’ will continue to exist despite the sometimes overwhelming forces and attitudes of those against such a way of living

It was interesting to note that once a person has been caught outside the monogamous field they are stripped of and discredited for anything good they had to offer. It was a sad commentary but reinforces just how powerful these structures are in the world. Even the law has its say into what is considered “normal and acceptable” as a society when it comes to monogamous relationships and the choices that surround them.

So if you are looking for a fascinating and thought provoking read then ‘Swinging in America’ might just fit the bill.