I'm forever yours, faithfully. Journey

I had an awesome opportunity to attend my good friend Shawne Duperon’s media boot camp this past week.  We connected when when she began working on Project: Forgive since I wrote about self-forgiveness in my dissertation.  The focus of media boot camp workshop was to get you feeling comfortable with being uncomfortable.

One of the exercises was to stand as close to a partner as possible and stare into the other [unknown person’s] eyes without saying anything for an unspecified period of time.  For many this exercise was unnerving and yet it was one of the easiest ones for me to complete.  After reflecting on this experience, I decided it would be an excellent opportunity for me to share this with my life partner.

I took the liberty of adapting the exercise by choosing a song to play that spoke to me about our relationship.  My partner and I have been in a long distant relationship going on a little over ten years, so for me the lyrics: "And being apart – Ain’t easy on this love affair – Two strangers learn to fall in love again – I get the joy of rediscovering you – Oh, girl, you stand by me – I’m forever yours – Faithfully!"

It was really hard to look into her eyes without tearing up but I wanted to share an intimate experience with her and develop a practice to keep us connected.  So my challenge for you is to do the same – pick a song, stand close to one another hold hands and say nothing – let your eyes speak the words you struggle sometimes to find…try to make it a daily practice!

Why is “no” the hardest message to receive in our intimate relationships?

The word “no” to one’s sexual advances triggers many different emotions for many people. For some, it is a flat out rejection that they are not masculine or feminine enough. It can foster an attitude of insecurity, jealousy and rattle one’s confidence. For some reason, we accept “no” in other areas of our life, but it becomes extremely personal in sex.

This fact only stresses the importance of communication in a relationship. With no explanation or discussion, one starts to fill in the blanks with incorrect assumptions which can lead to greater distance in the relationship.

We all place filters on the way we choose to hear messages. What are your filters and how do they affect your ability to hear a message? What changes do you need to make to hear a message differently? Instead of assuming that your partner is rejecting you, could it be that he/she is exhausted from a stressful day?

People who seriously want a stronger, healthier relationship exercise the communication muscle. This means taking advantage of the opportunities to express our feelings, especially ones we struggle with personally, and finding a way to express them to one’s partner.

• Ask yourself, why am I being turned down ? What is going on for my partner to prevent them from being in the mood?
• Talk with your partner about how you are feeling. Do they know that you are feeling rejected?
• Communicate your feelings of rejection without the expectation that the only way for you to feel better is for them to give in to your desires.
• Burying your feelings is not healthy; it is like ignoring a wound without treatment and hoping that it will get better.

If you are communicating with your partner, but the pattern of conflict continues, there may be deeper rooted issues in the relationship that could benefit from the help of a professional.

Life - it's all about attitude!

Recently I developed a relationship fitness program for couples utilizing a holistic approach to strengthen your relationship.   My belief is that the world is a better place when our relationships remain strong and healthy.  This approach is a seven-spoke model based on the number of days in the week.  The spokes include: communication, intimacy, lifestyle, nutrition, education, spirituality and environment.  The idea is for couples to pick a spoke they want to strengthen daily and find ways that are pleasurable and fun to improve their relationship.

There are no rules only suggestions – you prescribe the program that is right for you.

Today I would like to focus on attitude as an aspect of spirituality.  I view spirituality as the force that makes us human and something you can feel.  You cannot see, touch or taste it, but yet you know it is there, much like a breeze or the wind.  Viktor Frankl taught us in his famous text, Man’s Search for Meaning, that attitude is the one thing that no one gives us, no one can take away from us and the one thing that always remains our choice…so choose it wisely!  Our attitude affects our entire life and a positive attitude directly impacts not only our mental health but physical health as well.  

People ask all the time how do I go about changing my attitude?  The answer is simple but not always easy to implement and maintain.  Successful people choose an attitude of never giving up and so they don’t!  Others have been successful by enlisting the support and encouragement of those around them…asking them to point out anytime when they notice a fallback to a former negative attitude.  For those who are willing to “make it hurt”, they decided to pay a “fee” whether it be $1, $5, $10 or $20 every time someone catches them slipping backwards.  Be forewarned that our friends and family members can change when there are hard dollars involved.  Instead of being supportive and encouraging, they can set clever [and some not so clever] traps to catch us doing what we know best.

Think about the attitude you have in your relationship with your partner, spouse, significant other…how would you describe it…what words would you use?  Does your attitude serve to strengthen or weaken your most important relationship?  Why did / are you choosing it?  What value would there be if you decided to change it to improve how well you get along / stay connected to her/him?  I choose to have a positive attitude, what’s your choice?