The Happiness Advantage

Discipline = Happiness 

A couple of weeks ago while on vacation, I had the pleasant opportunity to meet a very special person.  This woman had suffered a major life changing physical setback and yet she remained positive.  During our conversation she shared a video she had seen on YouTube by Shawn Achor called The Happiness Advantage.  In the video that author challenges us to take on a 21-day life changing challenge.  He stated that the research had proven that by doing a certain five things daily for 21 days that indeed you would become happy or in my case happier, which would then translate into being more productive and successful.

So - I took the challenge on with one of my friends.

The process is pretty simple and guaranteed not to take up too much time but you have to be consistent or as I translated it you have to discipline yourself to do it. I think it has been made easier by engaging one of my friends to hold myself accountable, plus that added feature of getting to read what his day was all about.  While there was no formal method for keeping track of the five items, I decided to create a template to just copy and populate each day.  Here is what Shawn says you have to do:

•   Pick 3 things that you are grateful for on a daily basis.
•   Journal about one of them – so as to relive it again and get an added benefit
•   Meditate – I Googled the Upper Room Daily Devotional for my daily meditation
•   Exercise – nothing crazy, you could go for a walk, some pushups, or whatever
•   Practice 3 random acts of kindness daily

So far, I have made it to day 7 and am looking forward to being intentional about completing the remaining days.  I am taking the attitude to think of it as though it were a personal training / development program to get me in better mental / emotional / physical / and spiritual shape.  It seems like a pretty small price to pay for a huge return on my investment.  Are you up for the challenge?  I would love to hear back from those of you who were so inspired to take it on and what you gained from the experience.  I chose the word discipline as a way to remind myself that in order to get in shape you have to exercise discipline!

I'm forever yours, faithfully. Journey

I had an awesome opportunity to attend my good friend Shawne Duperon’s media boot camp this past week.  We connected when when she began working on Project: Forgive since I wrote about self-forgiveness in my dissertation.  The focus of media boot camp workshop was to get you feeling comfortable with being uncomfortable.

One of the exercises was to stand as close to a partner as possible and stare into the other [unknown person’s] eyes without saying anything for an unspecified period of time.  For many this exercise was unnerving and yet it was one of the easiest ones for me to complete.  After reflecting on this experience, I decided it would be an excellent opportunity for me to share this with my life partner.

I took the liberty of adapting the exercise by choosing a song to play that spoke to me about our relationship.  My partner and I have been in a long distant relationship going on a little over ten years, so for me the lyrics: "And being apart – Ain’t easy on this love affair – Two strangers learn to fall in love again – I get the joy of rediscovering you – Oh, girl, you stand by me – I’m forever yours – Faithfully!"

It was really hard to look into her eyes without tearing up but I wanted to share an intimate experience with her and develop a practice to keep us connected.  So my challenge for you is to do the same – pick a song, stand close to one another hold hands and say nothing – let your eyes speak the words you struggle sometimes to find…try to make it a daily practice!

Why is “no” the hardest message to receive in our intimate relationships?

The word “no” to one’s sexual advances triggers many different emotions for many people. For some, it is a flat out rejection that they are not masculine or feminine enough. It can foster an attitude of insecurity, jealousy and rattle one’s confidence. For some reason, we accept “no” in other areas of our life, but it becomes extremely personal in sex.

This fact only stresses the importance of communication in a relationship. With no explanation or discussion, one starts to fill in the blanks with incorrect assumptions which can lead to greater distance in the relationship.

We all place filters on the way we choose to hear messages. What are your filters and how do they affect your ability to hear a message? What changes do you need to make to hear a message differently? Instead of assuming that your partner is rejecting you, could it be that he/she is exhausted from a stressful day?

People who seriously want a stronger, healthier relationship exercise the communication muscle. This means taking advantage of the opportunities to express our feelings, especially ones we struggle with personally, and finding a way to express them to one’s partner.

• Ask yourself, why am I being turned down ? What is going on for my partner to prevent them from being in the mood?
• Talk with your partner about how you are feeling. Do they know that you are feeling rejected?
• Communicate your feelings of rejection without the expectation that the only way for you to feel better is for them to give in to your desires.
• Burying your feelings is not healthy; it is like ignoring a wound without treatment and hoping that it will get better.

If you are communicating with your partner, but the pattern of conflict continues, there may be deeper rooted issues in the relationship that could benefit from the help of a professional.

Life - it's all about attitude!

Recently I developed a relationship fitness program for couples utilizing a holistic approach to strengthen your relationship.   My belief is that the world is a better place when our relationships remain strong and healthy.  This approach is a seven-spoke model based on the number of days in the week.  The spokes include: communication, intimacy, lifestyle, nutrition, education, spirituality and environment.  The idea is for couples to pick a spoke they want to strengthen daily and find ways that are pleasurable and fun to improve their relationship.

There are no rules only suggestions – you prescribe the program that is right for you.

Today I would like to focus on attitude as an aspect of spirituality.  I view spirituality as the force that makes us human and something you can feel.  You cannot see, touch or taste it, but yet you know it is there, much like a breeze or the wind.  Viktor Frankl taught us in his famous text, Man’s Search for Meaning, that attitude is the one thing that no one gives us, no one can take away from us and the one thing that always remains our choice…so choose it wisely!  Our attitude affects our entire life and a positive attitude directly impacts not only our mental health but physical health as well.  

People ask all the time how do I go about changing my attitude?  The answer is simple but not always easy to implement and maintain.  Successful people choose an attitude of never giving up and so they don’t!  Others have been successful by enlisting the support and encouragement of those around them…asking them to point out anytime when they notice a fallback to a former negative attitude.  For those who are willing to “make it hurt”, they decided to pay a “fee” whether it be $1, $5, $10 or $20 every time someone catches them slipping backwards.  Be forewarned that our friends and family members can change when there are hard dollars involved.  Instead of being supportive and encouraging, they can set clever [and some not so clever] traps to catch us doing what we know best.

Think about the attitude you have in your relationship with your partner, spouse, significant other…how would you describe it…what words would you use?  Does your attitude serve to strengthen or weaken your most important relationship?  Why did / are you choosing it?  What value would there be if you decided to change it to improve how well you get along / stay connected to her/him?  I choose to have a positive attitude, what’s your choice?

Are You Seeking Approval That You Already Have?

I want to think it gets easier as we get older to reflect insight-fully about our past.  My father passed away over 5 years now and yet rarely does a day go by that I don’t think fondly about him.  My Dad was a man of very few words, usually responding to open ended questions with a one-word answer and yet he was the most positive individual I had ever known in my life – never making a disparaging remark about anyone.

Unfortunately, I was one of those kids who needed words of affirmation to feel good about myself.  My Dad showed his love for me in many different ways and again, unfortunately, I was unable to see that through my young, inexperienced eyes.  I recall many times trying to please him through my achievements.

Growing up, I do not recall ever hearing my father say he was proud of me, except one time.  It is one of those memories you will never forget.  The compliment came one winter evening when I was leaving the house to go visit friends and he grabbed my arm and told me how proud he was of me for becoming a doctor and that no one else in our family had ever done that.

As I would find out after his death, he had always been proud of me…but because I needed to hear it and never did I felt compelled to keep trying to win his approval when I already had it.

Let me ask a question, whose approval are you trying to get and just how sure are you that you don’t already have it?

(Picture linked to:  http://motivationalmoments-vwo.blogspot.com/2012/04/how-do-you-acknowledge-peoplenona.html)

Transition and Transformation

I always thought I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up - stability was key.  As I move my life from Pittsburgh to the Detroit area this year I am discovering that my life is more about transitions & transformations than it ever was about stability. One of the main reasons for this late life transition is that I have been involved in a long distance relationship for over 10 years. Now that our separate families have grown up and moved out, we are ready to step up our commitment. Since I was born on a Thursday, I have often reflected on the Mother Goose Monday’s Child Nursery Rhyme that goes: Thursday’s child has far to go – and  here I go, off to Michigan!

My adult life has been clearly marked by many transitions and transformations.
For example, I started out my professional career as an accountant – then transitioned to becoming a banker – then to becoming a corporate manager in treasury & finance – then on to becoming a large corporate organization development consultant, which lead me to my current roles as an executive coach and psychologist. The transition from corporate to clinical was by far the most exciting and demanding journey I have ever taken and also the most rewarding. My passion for wanting to work with people who were struggling while trying to navigate through some of the most troubling waters in their lives is what carried me for over 10 years in pursuit of my doctorate in psychology.

As I ponder the move of my professional life to a Troy-based office, I will be giving up my living space, professional practice and leaving behind a very strong network of wonderful friends, colleagues and co-workers that have been kind and gracious to me these many years. I find it interesting to note that this is a journey in patience, perseverance and the proverbial one-step-at-a-time. The welcoming people of Detroit have embraced me and have been extremely helpful in wanting to see me become successful. I feel they have given so freely and compassionately that it paves my way with courage and confidence.

Of course, no change of this magnitude is without stressors such as starting a new business and wondering how long it will take to get known as a sex therapist and have a steady client base. It was exciting to design, develop and launch a new website – SexHealthDoc.com – which highlights the areas in which I can help others.  Another stressor is transitioning my time and energy between the two cities and making effective use of the commuting by listening to new ideas and thoughts on audio. Of course, there is the “new beginnings” of a wonderful relationship going from an infrequent way of being together to sharing our lives in the same house.

The move into this new phase of my life can feel daunting at times; it is nonetheless full of excitement and adventure.  Off I go!

What The Research Tells Us About The Swinging Lifestyle

A review and comments on the book, Swingng in America

Just the title of this book  - Swinging in America by authors Bergstrand and Sinski will cause much discomfort for many who assume they know what swingers do. What struck me when I first started reading the book was who the authors were and who they were not. They claimed to be the first authors that were not in the ‘lifestyle’ and married, but not to each other and represented a totally different and unbiased perspective. Because of the nature and potential damaging effects of being identified in the ‘lifestyle’ the researchers were still able to get 1,100 participants to help inform and create a knowledge base of what it is like to be non-monogamous.


The book was written in the traditional academic research style. In spite of that I still found it an interesting read. I found it interesting in how the researchers took on the highly debated monogamous relationship and clearly explained how all of the relevant forces have shaped and reinforced it in such a way that anyone trying to break free of the “socially acceptable” mold meets with dire consequences. One is certainly left wondering in the end just how the researchers were impacted by their view of the ‘lifestyle’.

Some of the take away gems that stayed with me were as follows:
• Swinging will never help a relationship in trouble
• Swinging is not for everyone
• One has to be secure in their emotional and physical relationship before ‘swinging’ should be explored
• Go slow and take your time – remember fools rush in where wise men dare to tread
• There are many forms of swinging from soft to full and everything in between
• Those successful in the ‘lifestyle’ have also successfully eliminated relationship killers such as lying, deceitfulness, and cheating
• The ‘lifestyle’ will continue to exist despite the sometimes overwhelming forces and attitudes of those against such a way of living

It was interesting to note that once a person has been caught outside the monogamous field they are stripped of and discredited for anything good they had to offer. It was a sad commentary but reinforces just how powerful these structures are in the world. Even the law has its say into what is considered “normal and acceptable” as a society when it comes to monogamous relationships and the choices that surround them.

So if you are looking for a fascinating and thought provoking read then ‘Swinging in America’ might just fit the bill.