Improving your marriage from the time you say ‘I do’

To maintain a happy, healthy relationship, I suggest you concentrate on the small things in your relationship that are often overlooked.  I like to use the metaphor of a garden when describing how husbands and wives can enjoy a lifetime of being connected and close.  You need to work the land - nothing happens if you just plant the seeds.  You need to till the ground, remove the weeds and nourish the soil.  Relationships are the same; they need our attention and nurturing.  

Learn to speak your partner’s love language and perform random acts of kindness.  In all conversations, it is a good practice to seek first to understand, then be understood!  And try not to take each other for granted.  Again it is a good practice to share with your spouse one thing that you are grateful for with her or him.  

The following is a short list of ways to keep intimacy alive and the flame burning brightly between the two of you:

• Every time you kiss your partner – take your time, especially in the morning and in the evening.
• Hold hands in the car, on a walk, while you are shopping.
• Massage parts of your partner’s body – shoulders, arms, back, hands.
• Keep a “play” date on your calendar with your partner and have fun!
• Pick a song that has meaning to your relationship and play it while your holding your partner’s hands and looking into their eyes.
• Consider showering or bathing together – bubbles are your friends!
• Pick a question to ask each other on a daily basis – such as “what are you looking forward to most in your day today?
• Surprise your partner with an affectionate gesture in the quiet moments of your day together.
• The next time you have a conversation with your partner, look into their eyes and pay close attention – do not try to solve anything but just listen.
• Text your partner a thoughtful, even “sweet” message during the day away from him or her.
• Set a scene for intimacy – ditch the cell phone, play some music you both enjoy, light a scented candle.

For more information or to schedule a conversation with Dr. Beiter visit:  SexHealthDoc.com

(Pic from http://true-love.in/i-will-always-love-you-4/)

Whats in your name?

I have a funny story about how I was named.  My parents were good friends with the next-door neighbors on each side of our house growing up and since I was the last of four children born, they decided to name me after the first names of both of the husbands.  What is interesting for me is how I have incorporated what I knew about each man into my life. 

The person for whom my middle name bears was a physically strong and meticulous caretaker of their house and property.  Mr. Walter Hohman taught me how to get physically fit using just my body weight.  One of the feats that I had seen him do as a child was to hold himself parallel to the ground while braced on a pole.  I was so intrigued by his strength that I wanted him to show me to do it.  Together we were successful and the following picture shows my ability to hold that position.

To this day, I believe I remain physically fit due to my association with this wonderful man and the fact that I carry his namesake with me.  Mr. Hohman unfortunately passed away many years ago at a very young age, but I am forever grateful for the time he spent with me and what I learned from our relationship.

My first name comes from the neighbor who was a successful businessman.  Mr. John Campbell was an educated man who rose through the ranks of corporate America.  I followed Mr. Campbell’s path into the business world even though he moved away from our neighborhood when I was a young boy.  I lost touch with him after he had been so gracious as to materialize a vision I had as a 12 year-old.  I wrote about it under a separate blog asking you What Is Your Vision?  Mr. Campbell impacted my life in so many great ways and I am still learning from those teachings today.  I am sure he has no idea as to how he impacted my life but once again, I am forever grateful that he did.

There are many lessons that I want to highlight as I close out this blog, but let me leave you with two.  My parents were insightful as to how naming me after the neighbors would positively impact my life.  As parents you do not need to know how your children will be affected by your decisions only that as long as they are made out of love they will forever benefit them.  Individually, you may not be aware or ever know the impact you have on a person’s life, but do your best to be your best and the world will be greatly enhanced by your presence. 

So what’s in your name?  I would love to hear your story.  Please feel free to share your comments below. 

Read more about Dr. Beiter at SexHealthDoc.com or CrosstheFinishlineCoaching.com.

Vision Essentials - After the Lemon Peeler

One of my favorites topics to talk to other people about is vision.   I know from my own personal experience that having a vision and never losing sight of it is part of the process in realizing it. Take a look at last weeks blog, titled "My Lemon Peeler" and you'll see why.  I have learned some really important lessons about having a vision. 

First, you do not have to worry about how it is going to happen, just don’t lose sight of it. 

Second, you need to keep focused on the vision and not the obstacles you may encounter.  I tell people it’s like learning how to water ski: where you look is where you go, so don’t look down! 

Thirds, is not to worry about the cost of your vision, in many instances it gets paid for by someone other than you.  It’s not like you will not have to make an investment with your time, energy and talents but I am referring to more of a financial one. 

Finally, the last essential piece to obtaining your vision is that it can be helpful to think of your vision from a metaphorical perspective.  It is like asking someone/anyone/everyone for directions [i.e. letting others know where you want to go], if the person you approach is not able to help you then they will usually suggest or lead to someone else that can, but you can never give up or you will never get there.  So keep asking, i.e. letting others know what you want to happen or where you want to go!

For information visit: SexHealthDoc.com or CrossTheFinishLineCoaching.com.

(Picture from Sustainableman.org)

My Lemon Peeler Vision

As a kid I was shy, quiet and reserved [not much has changedJ] and kept pretty much to myself.  In the summer I would tag along with my Dad when he went to cash his paycheck.  On the drive to the bank we would always pass by a familiar bike shop.  To a kid that was like the new car dealer where you could not wait to go in to see and smell all the new merchandise.  Every now and then my dad would visit the service department, which gave me the opportunity to happily kill time in the showroom.  During one particular summer, the Schwinn Bicycle Company had introduced a brand new line of bikes, known as stingrays.  I will never forget the moment I first laid eyes on those magnificent machines: Lemon Peeler, Orange Krate, Apple Krate, Pea Picker.  I was in kid heaven until I saw the price tag, then reality took a bite out of any joy I had.  The price of that bike was over $100, an insurmountable amount of money to a 12 year old kid who was not the best at saving money.

Once I saw those bikes I could not stop thinking about them.  The reality was that my parents were in no position to afford one mainly because there were three other children and all of the financial responsibilities in raising a family.  I let it be known to my few friends and neighbors that I really wanted that bike and thought nothing more of just communicating my dream to own it.  Of course, hope against hope I wished my parents would get me that bike for my birthday or Christmas but that was not to be.

Yet, I was not willing to give up My Vision of getting that bike.  So I decided to reach out to someone I thought could help me.  .  I had learned from my parents that an old neighbor who moved away had taken a job with the manufacturer of the front brake drum that supplied the Schwinn Company.  I wrote him a letter asking him if he could help me.  The following summer my dad received a letter instructing him to take me to the bike shop to pick out a brand new Schwinn Lemon Peeler and that it was paid in full.

It was only until recently that I gained insight into how important that event was in my life and not just the fact that I got a bike for free.  The big lesson for me was that when you have a vision or a dream and do not necessarily have the means to accomplish it, just letting others know about it can help you obtain the dream with their help.  However, if no one knows about your dream or your vision except you – then it is really difficult, if not downright impossible, for it to happen. 

My challenge to you is to take the time to write your vision or visions down and then share, share, share…you might just be surprised at how the universe responds once you let your intentions be known.

Breakdown or Break through?

Recently, I heard a client describe the behavior of his father at the funeral of one of his father’s closest friends.  The client stated that it was the only time in his life that he had seen his father “breakdown and cry”. His choice of the word “breakdown” really stayed with me.I suggested to the client that maybe it was not necessarily a “breakdown” but possibly a break through!  He had described his father as someone who kept his feelings all bottled up inside and yet for this one brief moment; he allowed them to spill out for others to see.

Many us of think that crying is a sign of weakness, but is it really?  In my doctoral study days I was volunteered in a dual diagnosis clinic, specializing in drug and alcohol addiction.  I used to run an intervention weekly where I would challenge the people to think about their addiction and emotional responses from different perspectives.  One day I came into the classroom with two balloons.  One was orange and was just hanging limp without air, the other was blue and filled to the breaking point with water.  When I asked whom in the room thought crying was a sign of weakness, all had emphatically raised their hands.  I responded that the water-filled balloon symbolized those who thought expressing vulnerability signified that he or she was powerless.  I went on to explain that anyone expressing his or her emotion was represented by the orange one. 

To really drive home my point, I retrieved a sharp, metal tack from the cork board in the room.   Holding the tack in front of the orange balloon, I explained that when we get hurt emotionally by difficult situations and experiences in life and are clearly able to express how we felt – "it is the equivalent of pushing the tack through the un-inflated balloon; it just flops aside."  Carefully holding the blue balloon up and positioning the tack – which resulted in everyone jumping up to get out of the way – I further explained that holding in your pain and sadness was what truly compromised your ability to appear tough!  So think about giving yourself permission to break through to being more spiritually, emotionally and physically strengthened!  It's OK to cry!

Arousal - It's what's on the menu tonight!

 We need to challenge how we understand sex and sexuality if we ever hope to bring about lasting change that is helpful, healing and nurturing. 

Let’s take a look at what we understand about arousal – getting turned on – horny – “in the mood”, etc. For most getting aroused is only a prelude for what is yet to come. It seems as though some of us have been conditioned to respond immediately when we feel aroused to find release and rid ourselves of this distracting feeling. In crude terms, arousal can be seen as the triggering event that most of us react to in preparing our bodies to eventually spasm so that we no longer have to feel aroused. 

Why does it need to be that way? 

Long ago and far away, I recall hearing something to the effect that "once a boy/man gets sexually aroused he will need to find release"…Again, why is that? Why not let the sexual energy that is built up through arousal just be allowed to run its course, probably just like it did when you experienced your very first sexual feeling way back when. Right or wrong, I think we tend to condition ourselves around certain notions that few ever question. I am not saying that arousal should not lead to sexual satisfaction – I am just asking why arousal in and of itself, at times, cannot be considered a sexually satisfying event? 

Think of the last time when you were aroused and there was no sexual release available – did you savor the flavor or just try to lose the feeling altogether? I think many believe that this type of activity would directly lead to sexual frustration. I am suggesting using arousal the way many in the kitchen have allowed foods to simmer and enjoy the aroma. Think of arousal in the way you would a fine wine, giving it time to breathe. Let it fill you in ways of becoming intoxicated by its scent alone.

For information on how you can improve any relationship with Relationship Bootcamp visit: SexHealthDoc.com.

THE HAPPINESS PROJECT: 2014 The Year of Living Gratefully

Through A Simple Act of Gratitude!

Last fall I was introduced to Shawn Achor’s TED talk on The Happiness Advantage. (See my post from November 25, 2013) With the gentle urging of a good friend, we decided to take on the 21-day challenge outlined in his talk. Each day, without exception, for three weeks we: Exercised; Meditated; Practiced Random Acts of Kindness; Chose Three New Things Each Day to be Grateful; and Kept A Journal About One Positive Experience. The results were, as claimed would happen, I was more productive and yes, happier! Since I consider myself to be pretty optimistic in the first place, it was nice to discover that I could be even happier.

Now the real challenge for me came after the 21 days were up and how to maintain that level of happiness and productivity. Wanting to build on an Attitude of Gratitude, I decided to look into John Kralik’s book: A Simple Act Of Gratitude. As his life seemed to be spinning out of control, he was inspired to write a thank you note everyday for 365 days.  The actions that Kralik took as a result of his life’s desperate circumstances is what intrigued and inspired me to take on my own personal journey of hand-writing 365 notes for this year.

With January behind, I wanted to share my experiences to date with this ambitious goal. The first thank you note that I wrote went to my fiancé. I felt it was the only “appropriate” way to start such an adventure with the person closest to me and on whose love and support I count on most. Each day as I write the note, I record in a Word document the name of the person I honored that day. A few of the written notes brought tears to my eyes as I think how much I value this person or how much she or he has helped me in my life. Even though I have no expectations other than to be able to give freely of my thoughts and feelings, I have received many blessings in return.

I have received a few kind words in return and one in particular was from a person I had worked with but had not previously sent him a thank you. I have been complimented on my work, had two pieces of business renew and have strengthened some friendships. One very unexpected surprise came from one of my recipients who I have not been particularly fond of – after receiving the note, he purposely told me how moved he was by the gesture and even more so because it was hand written. In that experience alone, I found a surge of inspiration and motivation to continue my quest.

I am not a procrastinator when I have a stated goal and this is no different. I have allowed myself to write a few days into the future but always finding time daily to write at least one thank you. I am following Kralik’s pattern pretty closely in that I will not use any electronic means to communicate my gratitude. I will either hand deliver or use postal mail. I am not restricting my reach by geographical boundaries even though I live in the United States. One of my recipients lives in Bangkok. I have not exhausted notes to my family or friends and have given notes to those that have been kind to me whom I did not know. Since I keep a list it is fun to look back and now that one month is already past to see who I had chosen to thank that day.

So if you could only write one thank you today – who would be the most important person in your life that you would want to express your gratitude towards?

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For more information on on  ways to increase your productivity and happiness level life please visit: SexHealthDoc.com.