My Lemon Peeler Vision

As a kid I was shy, quiet and reserved [not much has changedJ] and kept pretty much to myself.  In the summer I would tag along with my Dad when he went to cash his paycheck.  On the drive to the bank we would always pass by a familiar bike shop.  To a kid that was like the new car dealer where you could not wait to go in to see and smell all the new merchandise.  Every now and then my dad would visit the service department, which gave me the opportunity to happily kill time in the showroom.  During one particular summer, the Schwinn Bicycle Company had introduced a brand new line of bikes, known as stingrays.  I will never forget the moment I first laid eyes on those magnificent machines: Lemon Peeler, Orange Krate, Apple Krate, Pea Picker.  I was in kid heaven until I saw the price tag, then reality took a bite out of any joy I had.  The price of that bike was over $100, an insurmountable amount of money to a 12 year old kid who was not the best at saving money.

Once I saw those bikes I could not stop thinking about them.  The reality was that my parents were in no position to afford one mainly because there were three other children and all of the financial responsibilities in raising a family.  I let it be known to my few friends and neighbors that I really wanted that bike and thought nothing more of just communicating my dream to own it.  Of course, hope against hope I wished my parents would get me that bike for my birthday or Christmas but that was not to be.

Yet, I was not willing to give up My Vision of getting that bike.  So I decided to reach out to someone I thought could help me.  .  I had learned from my parents that an old neighbor who moved away had taken a job with the manufacturer of the front brake drum that supplied the Schwinn Company.  I wrote him a letter asking him if he could help me.  The following summer my dad received a letter instructing him to take me to the bike shop to pick out a brand new Schwinn Lemon Peeler and that it was paid in full.

It was only until recently that I gained insight into how important that event was in my life and not just the fact that I got a bike for free.  The big lesson for me was that when you have a vision or a dream and do not necessarily have the means to accomplish it, just letting others know about it can help you obtain the dream with their help.  However, if no one knows about your dream or your vision except you – then it is really difficult, if not downright impossible, for it to happen. 

My challenge to you is to take the time to write your vision or visions down and then share, share, share…you might just be surprised at how the universe responds once you let your intentions be known.

Breakdown or Break through?

Recently, I heard a client describe the behavior of his father at the funeral of one of his father’s closest friends.  The client stated that it was the only time in his life that he had seen his father “breakdown and cry”. His choice of the word “breakdown” really stayed with me.I suggested to the client that maybe it was not necessarily a “breakdown” but possibly a break through!  He had described his father as someone who kept his feelings all bottled up inside and yet for this one brief moment; he allowed them to spill out for others to see.

Many us of think that crying is a sign of weakness, but is it really?  In my doctoral study days I was volunteered in a dual diagnosis clinic, specializing in drug and alcohol addiction.  I used to run an intervention weekly where I would challenge the people to think about their addiction and emotional responses from different perspectives.  One day I came into the classroom with two balloons.  One was orange and was just hanging limp without air, the other was blue and filled to the breaking point with water.  When I asked whom in the room thought crying was a sign of weakness, all had emphatically raised their hands.  I responded that the water-filled balloon symbolized those who thought expressing vulnerability signified that he or she was powerless.  I went on to explain that anyone expressing his or her emotion was represented by the orange one. 

To really drive home my point, I retrieved a sharp, metal tack from the cork board in the room.   Holding the tack in front of the orange balloon, I explained that when we get hurt emotionally by difficult situations and experiences in life and are clearly able to express how we felt – "it is the equivalent of pushing the tack through the un-inflated balloon; it just flops aside."  Carefully holding the blue balloon up and positioning the tack – which resulted in everyone jumping up to get out of the way – I further explained that holding in your pain and sadness was what truly compromised your ability to appear tough!  So think about giving yourself permission to break through to being more spiritually, emotionally and physically strengthened!  It's OK to cry!

Arousal - It's what's on the menu tonight!

 We need to challenge how we understand sex and sexuality if we ever hope to bring about lasting change that is helpful, healing and nurturing. 

Let’s take a look at what we understand about arousal – getting turned on – horny – “in the mood”, etc. For most getting aroused is only a prelude for what is yet to come. It seems as though some of us have been conditioned to respond immediately when we feel aroused to find release and rid ourselves of this distracting feeling. In crude terms, arousal can be seen as the triggering event that most of us react to in preparing our bodies to eventually spasm so that we no longer have to feel aroused. 

Why does it need to be that way? 

Long ago and far away, I recall hearing something to the effect that "once a boy/man gets sexually aroused he will need to find release"…Again, why is that? Why not let the sexual energy that is built up through arousal just be allowed to run its course, probably just like it did when you experienced your very first sexual feeling way back when. Right or wrong, I think we tend to condition ourselves around certain notions that few ever question. I am not saying that arousal should not lead to sexual satisfaction – I am just asking why arousal in and of itself, at times, cannot be considered a sexually satisfying event? 

Think of the last time when you were aroused and there was no sexual release available – did you savor the flavor or just try to lose the feeling altogether? I think many believe that this type of activity would directly lead to sexual frustration. I am suggesting using arousal the way many in the kitchen have allowed foods to simmer and enjoy the aroma. Think of arousal in the way you would a fine wine, giving it time to breathe. Let it fill you in ways of becoming intoxicated by its scent alone.

For information on how you can improve any relationship with Relationship Bootcamp visit: SexHealthDoc.com.

THE HAPPINESS PROJECT: 2014 The Year of Living Gratefully

Through A Simple Act of Gratitude!

Last fall I was introduced to Shawn Achor’s TED talk on The Happiness Advantage. (See my post from November 25, 2013) With the gentle urging of a good friend, we decided to take on the 21-day challenge outlined in his talk. Each day, without exception, for three weeks we: Exercised; Meditated; Practiced Random Acts of Kindness; Chose Three New Things Each Day to be Grateful; and Kept A Journal About One Positive Experience. The results were, as claimed would happen, I was more productive and yes, happier! Since I consider myself to be pretty optimistic in the first place, it was nice to discover that I could be even happier.

Now the real challenge for me came after the 21 days were up and how to maintain that level of happiness and productivity. Wanting to build on an Attitude of Gratitude, I decided to look into John Kralik’s book: A Simple Act Of Gratitude. As his life seemed to be spinning out of control, he was inspired to write a thank you note everyday for 365 days.  The actions that Kralik took as a result of his life’s desperate circumstances is what intrigued and inspired me to take on my own personal journey of hand-writing 365 notes for this year.

With January behind, I wanted to share my experiences to date with this ambitious goal. The first thank you note that I wrote went to my fiancé. I felt it was the only “appropriate” way to start such an adventure with the person closest to me and on whose love and support I count on most. Each day as I write the note, I record in a Word document the name of the person I honored that day. A few of the written notes brought tears to my eyes as I think how much I value this person or how much she or he has helped me in my life. Even though I have no expectations other than to be able to give freely of my thoughts and feelings, I have received many blessings in return.

I have received a few kind words in return and one in particular was from a person I had worked with but had not previously sent him a thank you. I have been complimented on my work, had two pieces of business renew and have strengthened some friendships. One very unexpected surprise came from one of my recipients who I have not been particularly fond of – after receiving the note, he purposely told me how moved he was by the gesture and even more so because it was hand written. In that experience alone, I found a surge of inspiration and motivation to continue my quest.

I am not a procrastinator when I have a stated goal and this is no different. I have allowed myself to write a few days into the future but always finding time daily to write at least one thank you. I am following Kralik’s pattern pretty closely in that I will not use any electronic means to communicate my gratitude. I will either hand deliver or use postal mail. I am not restricting my reach by geographical boundaries even though I live in the United States. One of my recipients lives in Bangkok. I have not exhausted notes to my family or friends and have given notes to those that have been kind to me whom I did not know. Since I keep a list it is fun to look back and now that one month is already past to see who I had chosen to thank that day.

So if you could only write one thank you today – who would be the most important person in your life that you would want to express your gratitude towards?

Feel free to share using the buttons below!  

For more information on on  ways to increase your productivity and happiness level life please visit: SexHealthDoc.com.

Forgiveness: A Path To Spiritual Healing And Strength

He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.  ~Lord Herbert

As a student working hard to complete my doctoral studies, one task that became completely daunting was what area to explore in depth for my dissertation. For reasons I don’t understand – even to this day, I chose to write about self-forgiveness. As one of the spokes of my fitness wheel, I believe that it is extremely important to strengthen this component of our relationships, as well as our way of being in the world. My experience is that people who are strong spiritually, weather personal storms more successfully and with less suffering.

One of my favorite speakers is Caroline Myss, particularly her lecture, Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can. In that lecture Caroline raises an interesting and yet challenging prospect of one of the fastest ways to heal – she states it is through an act of forgiveness. Of course, she humorously states that it is one of the most revolting thoughts many people have when they feel they have been wronged by others and now they have to offer up something to someone who does not deserve it. So let me start with a disclaimer by stating that before you decide to stop reading, please give a look as to what I discovered through my research.

Before we can begin to examine the necessity for an act of forgiveness, it is important to understand the condition that makes its’ need necessary. In other words, what must happen to us that would require the need for forgiveness? One way to think of this is that if we were to assume that forgiveness is a healing agent then we must assume that an emotional injury is present. It is possible that at times these injuries or wounds are self- inflicted and at other times that others are responsible for what has taken place.

Examples of self-inflicted wounds would be those where we have brought pain and suffering to ourselves such as those associated with various types of addictions. The wound is opened when we makes choices to hurt ourselves. However, it must be highlighted that it is always relational (i.e. relation to ourselves, to the world or to others) and never in complete isolation that choices are made. While seemingly selfish choices are meant to hurt no one other than ourselves, it is in the ripple effect that we affect others. Our own choices or the results of other people’s choices that bring about emotional tears in our life demand the necessity for forgiveness as a way to facilitate healing and growth.

Forgiveness is not usually a part of our daily lives that we typically experience. In fact, it would appear that we have lost our way to the path of forgiveness in life, if indeed we ever knew where it was to begin with. Rather than living our lives with an attitude toward compassion and forgiveness; we have instead replaced this fundamental healthy way of being with Hammurabi’s code of an eye for eye, also known as the law of retribution, maybe a better name for the law would be that of resentment.

We must exact vengeance upon those who have done us wrong - thus, part of what cloud’s our ability to forgive is a belief in the entitlement of judgment, that is judgment toward others and worst of all towards ourselves. It could be argued that forgiveness was never available to the ordinary person and that it must be sought out in the land of the holy, the place of the sacred. However, from a spiritual perspective, forgiveness was never meant to be that way, i.e. completely unavailable to the individual.

If we are able to assume that the path to forgiveness is attainable then it is probably in our best interest to understand what blocks the path. If we harbor resentments for every wrong that happened in our life, then we must ask, just how big is our harbor? How many floating crafts can we secure? Apparently, it would seem that we are able to accommodate many types of differing shapes and sizes, from passing indiscretions provided by those insensitive others who may have been oblivious to the nature of the trespass, to the malicious, first-degree intended wrongdoer.

The path is also blocked by our attitude toward ourselves and to others. By experiencing the world in a narrow out to get me attitude we are left adrift and unable to navigate our way in any other direction. It would be the equivalent of having one’s rudder locked in the extreme right or left position allowing travel in only one direction. This is what keeps us stuck and unable to move forward.

Another roadblock on our path is the perception that forgiveness equates to condoning the actions of the other person in ways that said, “It was okay what you did to me.” This loosely translates into comprehending forgiveness as a sign of weakness. In other words, it sets us up to be the proverbial doormat, where anyone at anytime can walk all over us without the slightest regards for our feelings. Part and parcel to this perception is the belief that forgiveness is for the other person. On the contrary, forgiveness is one of the greatest acts of self-love that you can administer to yourself.

When we choose not to forgive, we really hurt ourselves. We allow the transgression and transgressor to maintain their grip on us, affecting every aspect of our being including our health and interpersonal relationships. The effects of not forgiving can spread through our lives like an unstoppable cancer, devouring the life’s blood necessary for our existence. It colors the lens from which we view the world and our experiences within by dimming the bright and hopeful to the drab and lifeless. We become bitter and angry, fostering a poison that careens through our veins. In the end, however, the choice is ours, do not forgive and suffer the consequences or forgive and recover your spirit from all those places where we left it behind, gaining strength, health and confidence.

Need help working on your Doctoral Studies?  Visit my Doctoral Coaching site at:  CrosstheFinishlineCoaching.com.  I can help you cross the finish line in first place!

For more information on Relationship Fitness or to discuss ways to incorporate forgiveness into your life please visit:

SexHealthDoc.com.

Photo Credit:  Jeff Williams, JawDroppingPhotography.com

A Spiritual Workout

"The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears." —Native American proverb

One of my favorite books to listen to is the Chicken Soup for the Soul series.  It is inevitable that one of those stories will bring tears to my eyes.  Crying does not seem to be one of those things that many people feel comfortable with doing.  However, I want to challenge you on another way to think about this very primary, fundamental expression of human emotion.

Let me switch gears for a moment and ask you to think about doing one of your favorite physical exercise routines.  If you are like most people, you may not feel you got the most out of your workout if you did not breakout into a “good” sweat.  So for many a good workout is equal to a good release of liquids from your body.  Some experts believe that sweating can flush the body of system-clogging substances like alcohol, cholesterol, and salt.  The benefits for sweating can be enormous and in some cases even profound…bottom line is that it is good for us.

Now let’s go back and think about the release of fluids through a good cry.  For many, you tend to feel better after a good cry.  Additionally, there are many health benefits to crying:

• Without tears, life would be drastically different for humans—in the short run enormously uncomfortable, and in the long run eyesight would be blocked out altogether.  Jerry Bergman
• Tears contain lysozyme, a fluid that can kill 90 to 95 percent of all bacteria in just 5-10 minutes!
• Tears actually remove toxins from our body that build up as a result of stress, while suppressing tears increases stress levels, and contributes to diseases aggravated by stress, such as high blood pressure, heart problems, and peptic ulcers. Jerry Bergman
• Permitting ourselves a "good cry" can and usually does allow us to recover some mental balance after a loss.
• Crying is essential to resolve grief, when waves of tears periodically come over us after we experience a loss. Tears help us process the loss so we can keep living with open hearts, according to Judith Orloff.

So think about the last time you had a really good spiritual workout.  You wouldn't think of holding back the sweat on a good workout, so give yourself permission to let your tears flow freely…you will feel better for sure!

A Thanksgiving Day Reflection and a Wish for All!

As I journey to see my son across the country, I am reminded and thankful to be visiting him once again at Thanksgiving.  This will be our second Thanksgiving together since he moved out of our apartment last August to start his bright and exciting career.  As a thankful reflection I like to think of how our last day together ended and the special memory that it holds for me.  The following is my recollection of the events of that day and how they have forever touched me.  

This is a father’s remembrance of his son he holds dear.

As a parent I would like to think that we all hold many loving and happy memories of being with our children.  Some of those precious moments really stand out and we will carry them with us always.  One such memory happened between my only son/child and me near the end of summer in 2012. 

We had come to the end of a wonderful chapter in our life together.  He had recently graduated from college and landed his first job as a civil engineer in an awesome city taking him thousands of miles from home for 18 months.  He had lived with me during his last two and half years of college so he could work a university sponsored practicum close to our residence.  The time came for us to say goodbye as he left our apartment for the last time to begin his epic journey into the unknown, with a bright future ahead of him. 

I thought I was emotionally at peace with him leaving, knowing I would visit him and he would be making trips back home for the holidays.  I walked him to his car and helped him load the few items he would be carrying with him on the plane.  We hugged and when I went to tell him I love him and would miss him, I suddenly choked up.  I felt the tears dam up and I couldn't speak.  He knew what I was feeling and held me tighter as he was touched by my show of emotion.  I finally found my voice and told him he would be okay and that he would do well in his new job.  The embrace ended and he slowly made his way to his car.  I stood waving and looking quite sad I’m sure. 

What my son did next really surprised me.  He had started his car and was about to drive off, when he suddenly stopped, re-parked got out of the car and came over to me.  He did not say anything at first he simply hugged me once again and then with heartfelt words he said, “I love you, Dad.”  I never felt closer to my son than I did in that moment – As I reflect back I was saying goodbye to my not so little boy whom I helped raise since he was an infant and watched as I proudly noted the grown young man bravely stepping out in the world on his own. 

Off and on that day, I cried many tears of joy, replaying that moment over and over again.  I thought how blessed I was to be saying goodbye to my son who was leaving me for a future loaded with unlimited potential and wonderful adventures.  I paused to think of other parents who have had to say goodbye to their children in dire circumstances and how hard it must be for them. 

My Thanksgiving wish for all of you who read this is that you will have special memories with your children to be thankful for and if you don't I hope you create them – it is what makes a life worth living.