Why is “no” the hardest message to receive in our intimate relationships?

The word “no” to one’s sexual advances triggers many different emotions for many people. For some, it is a flat out rejection that they are not masculine or feminine enough. It can foster an attitude of insecurity, jealousy and rattle one’s confidence. For some reason, we accept “no” in other areas of our life, but it becomes extremely personal in sex.

This fact only stresses the importance of communication in a relationship. With no explanation or discussion, one starts to fill in the blanks with incorrect assumptions which can lead to greater distance in the relationship.

We all place filters on the way we choose to hear messages. What are your filters and how do they affect your ability to hear a message? What changes do you need to make to hear a message differently? Instead of assuming that your partner is rejecting you, could it be that he/she is exhausted from a stressful day?

People who seriously want a stronger, healthier relationship exercise the communication muscle. This means taking advantage of the opportunities to express our feelings, especially ones we struggle with personally, and finding a way to express them to one’s partner.

• Ask yourself, why am I being turned down ? What is going on for my partner to prevent them from being in the mood?
• Talk with your partner about how you are feeling. Do they know that you are feeling rejected?
• Communicate your feelings of rejection without the expectation that the only way for you to feel better is for them to give in to your desires.
• Burying your feelings is not healthy; it is like ignoring a wound without treatment and hoping that it will get better.

If you are communicating with your partner, but the pattern of conflict continues, there may be deeper rooted issues in the relationship that could benefit from the help of a professional.