BSPI Question 19

What’s Your Sexual Preference? 

This is the 19th question in my survey and asks: 

 

19. Do you find it 

1. (A) easy to communicate your sexual needs and desires, or [D] 

2. (B) difficult to communicate your sexual needs and desires? [S] 

  

Among women and men only 45% and 52% respectively find it easy to communicate their sexual needs and/or desires.  What makes it so difficult for so many people?  Communication, communication, communication!!! When you research the origins of the word communication what you learn is that it means to ‘make something common’ and ‘sharing’, i.e. make a community. 

One way to explain the difficulties communicating about sex is that the word ‘common’ is subjective.  In other words, not everyone thinks about sex the same way.  Many people identify sex as only intercourse and that can lead to understanding sex as goal oriented and thus performance based.  This represents a real opportunity to start the discussion with your significant other.  Start asking some questions – what does sex mean to you?  What do want to get out of sex?  How can we make sex more pleasurable, fun and intimate?  One of the best ways to get comfortable communicating about sex is to start a dialogue.  You can use my survey to explore and most of all – have fun! 

 To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Question 18

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

 This is the 18^th question in my survey and asks:

 

18.  Would you rather have a sexual partner who is

(A)  comfortable with suggesting new ideas, or [A]

(B)  satisfied with the practiced and familiar? [H]

 

We are creatures of habit and the survey responses confirm it!  Over 90% of both women and men are satisfied with the practiced and familiar, with the men slightly more so at 95%.

 

What this says about our sexual relationships is that we can get pretty comfortable in a routine but we should caution ourselves not to get too familiar.  When it becomes too well known it can become boring and eventually may lessen its appeal to be sought after.  We need to learn to refresh our relationships from time to time.  As the survey reminds, not all the time, but in the interest of keeping it vibrant and growing, the relationship will benefit by periodically trying something new. 

 

The caution here is to not take it for granted but to remind each other how much you love and value one another.  I would suggest telling your partner one thing you experienced while being sexually intimate that made the time together special.

  

Men responded A=5 / H=95

Women A=9 /  H=91

 

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Question 17

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

 This is the 17^th question in my survey and asks:

 

17.  In your sexual encounters, do you

(A)  enjoy feeling a sense of urgency, or

(B)  hold back if feeling any sense of urgency?

 

The majority of respondents do not enjoy feeling a sense of urgency.  While 32% of the men were in favor of such a feeling, only 20% of the women responded positively. 

 

For many men, feeling of a sense of urgency, especially from their partners, has been a catalyst for them to seek professional help when they have reacted unfavorably.  Men have reported that feeling a sense of urgency has impeded their ability to perform.  Unfortunately too many cultural messages pervade that sex is about performance.  It is reinforced constantly from the unrealistic view of sexuality that is pervasive in the pornography industry to the advertisements that bombard the male psyche from the pharmaceutical companies specializing in the erectile dysfunction [ED] medications.  One notable tag line is “be ready when the time is right!”  One not familiar with what 

ED medications are for might question – “what does ready mean?”  It is clearly about performing. 

 

Given the disparity in the responsibilities for the house and family between women and men might lead us to conclude why 80% of the women hold back if feeling any sense of urgency.  Sex can be just one more thing to be checked off of an already too long list of things to take care of in addition to maintaining a career outside the home.  Another reason is that urgency often translates into “stress” when too few resources [i.e. time] are available, not to mention the energy required to make sex enjoyable. 

 

This question presents with an excellent opportunity to open the dialogue around sexual matters and, like the previous question about sexual wants, provides the space to talk about what you really need from your partner. 

 

Men responded A=32 / H=68

Women A=20 /  H=80

 

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Question 16

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

 This is the 16^th question in my survey and asks:

 

16.  In your sexual relationship[s] are you

(A)  unsure of what you want, or

(B)  sure of what you want?

 

It may surprise some that ¾ of the men surveyed are unsure of what they want in their sexual relationships, while more than half but not as many women [60%] were equally unsure.  One reason for the higher numbers of unsure partners may have to do with how comfortable you are at communicating your sexual needs. 

Communication ranks at the top of the list of what couples struggle with the most when it comes to sexual matters.  Usually it is due to a lack of communicating effectively with each other.  As a sex therapist, this is what finally brought many couples to seek out professional help, when they can no longer deal with their issues on their own. 

 

It is interesting to listen how for so many, in the early stages of a developing relationship, communication seems to be so easy and comfortable.  It appears that communications run the biggest risk of deteriorating when emotional distancing creeps into the relationship.  Like weeds in the garden if you don’t tend them, they will over run your crops threatening a bountiful harvest.  Relationships are no different – they need tending to or they will fall apart.  Communication is a rich nutrient that keeps the relationship healthy and growing strong!

  

Men responded S=75 / D=25

Women S=60 /  D=40

 

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Question #15

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

This is the 15^th question in my survey and asks:

 

      15.  Do you prefer to

(A)  outwardly express intense sexual pleasure, or

(B) inwardly experience intense bodily sensations?

 

Both men and women seemed aligned in their preference to outwardly express their sexual pleasure 63% and 60% respectively.  More than half of the people surveyed like to communicate to their partners the pleasure that they are experiencing.  This represents a positive direction towards an opportunity for a deeper intimate bond.   Learning what pleases our partner can be emotionally satisfying for both people.  From a love language perspective where words of affirmation fills your tank, then this expression is packed with a double benefit, one of sharing in your partner’s pleasure while having your own love tank filled.  For those respondents who inwardly experience intense bodily sensations, an opportunity is made available for you to share how your partner has impacted your personal pleasure.  Discussing how wonderful an experience not only strengthens your bond but also lets you relive the good feelings.

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Question #14

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

This is the 14^th question in my survey and asks:

         14.  Does the idea of teaching your partner what satisfies you sexually

(A)  stimulate you, or

(B)  reduce your desire? 

The men in the survey responded in the affirmative to the tune of 80% that the idea of teaching their partner what sexually satisfies them is a turn-on and so did 60% of the women surveyed.  Apparently the teacher role turns many people on.  This presents a real opportunity for couples to make sex about pleasure, FUN and intimacy.  By focusing on fun, you can be playful with your partner, which will enhance the relationship and deepen the bonds of intimacy.  It is a win/win for everyone involved. 

 

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 
 

For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Questions #13

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

This is the 13^th question in my survey and asks:

 13.  Is sexual activity more enjoyable if you feel

(A)  emotionally connected, or

(B)  physically aroused?

 Some readers might find it surprising that more than half [60%] of the men surveyed want to feel emotionally connected along with 70% of the women.  Based on cultural messages many of us have received through the years, the thought that most men would connect sexual activity with physical sensations would likely seem to be the norm.  However, this question reminds us that there is a lot of unspoken communication that if taken advantage of could further enhance our relationships and deepen our bonds of intimacy.  On the flip side many would not be surprised that a majority of the women have connected the sexual with the emotional.  This should make us wonder if this is the case then what messages do women receive that are different from men in shaping their experiences of sex and sexuality? Use the question to explore your relationship and ask what it means to feel emotionally connected.  From a therapeutic perspective – not being emotionally connected is what brings a lot of couples into therapy.

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Question #12

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 12 question in my survey and asks:

12.  Does planning for your sexual activity:

(A)  arouse you, or

(B)   turn you off sexually?

 

This is the first question where you might be pleasantly surprised to discover that most people – women 80% and men 85% get turned on by planning for sexual activity.  Even though many people complain that there is no spontaneity in their sexual relationships, the majority appears to want to plan for sex possibly to make sure it happens.  When you really think about it, I believe most people get excited when they know they can look forward to something and when that something is sex even more so.  I suggest taking turns to plan, don’t leave it up to the same partner – you are both responsible for the relationship.  Introducing something new with your partner has been discussed in several previous blogs and keeps the relationship healthy and exciting.  We get bored and eventually uninterested when we repeat the same thing over and over even when that ‘thing’ is enjoyable.  By planning you build anticipation and you will really look forward to that time.  A word of advice – keep the time you plan sacred – unless there is a life threatening event, don’t let anything interfere with your time together and leave the cell phones in another room.  Consider planning when you both have the most energy and again make it pleasurable fun and intimate!

 

BSPI Question #11

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 11 question in my survey and asks:

11.  When engaged in sexual activity do you prefer the:

(A)  lights on, or

(B)   lights off?

 

This is another one of those questions where an almost reciprocating difference between male and females emerge.  75% of the men and 35% of the women responded that they prefer the lights on.  The flip side is that 25% of the men and 65% of the women want the lights off.  There are two ways to look at this question – one is in the light of body image and how we feel when we look in the mirror and what looks backs – and the other way is by the assignment of gender roles with regards to masculinity and femininity.

Body image issues plague many people, especially since our culture has reinforced over and over again what is “the ideal image” that we should be striving to be.  The message is not about accepting you as you are but that you are flawed and need to look a certain way.  I think the messages are much harder on women than men and as a result we could interpret the results of this question that many women prefer to keep their images in the dark.  We need to learn to accept our image as is and not compare it to a static moment in time that photographs represent and assign an unrealistic ideal that we should be striving for, i.e. young, slim, fit and built.

The other way to interpret this question is through the view that “men are visual” and of course they would need the lights on to see.  I think that this way of thinking about the preference for men to be visual gets back to Zilbergeld [The New Male Sexuality] belief that boys come into their sexuality around the three prongs of secrecy, privacy and impersonality.  Boys do not make the connection that the sex is about relationships and there is no one pushing that agenda either, with many parents being uncomfortable talking about sex with their children and the lack of a healthy education regarding sex in our school systems. 

I would encourage you to have a pleasurable, fun and intimate conversation with your partner about this question.  It could be very interesting to discover how and why your partner answered the way she or he did.  Besides, it is a great way to grow closer and deepen your connection with each other.

 

BSPI Question #10

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 10 question in my survey and asks:

10.  If you were to fantasize about sexual activity, would you prefer to:

(A)  direct the action, or

(B)   be directed?

 

This question might surprise you as to the results and how the women and men prefer to dominate or be dominated.  58% of the men and 25% of the women responded that they wanted to direct the action, i.e. dominate.  The flip side is that 42% of the men and 75% of the women wanted to submit by being directed, i.e. be dominated.  The surprise comes from what many think of the masculine preference to be in charge and yet the survey indicates that almost half as many men want to be directed.  This is one of those questions where I wonder how much scripting along gender lines has an affect on how one answers the questions.  As a man are you conditioned to prefer to dominate and as a woman are you conditioned to be the one to be dominated?  

The cultural messages are very strong, pervasive and persistent.  We tend to think that being dominated is the weaker position, while being dominant is stronger and is linked to the person in charge.  However in a consensual sexual relationship where the couple enjoys and gets turned on by power playing, just the opposite is true.  [Power Play – two partners decide consciously that one of them will be in charge and that the other will follow, always keeping it safe, sane and consensual.]  The person being dominated is the person with all the power and the reason being is because power playing involves safe words. The play is usually about testing one’s sexual limits and the play is stopped if the safe word is invoked.  Examples of safe words can be red, stop, pause or whatever you and your partner agree upon.

So if you would like to try something different, which is really a good idea to keep your sexual life healthy [ see previous Blog on Question 8] then you might consider exploring power plays.  Remember to keep it safe, sane and consensual and of course make your sex life all about pleasure, fun and intimacy!

 

BSPI Question #9

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 9 question in my survey and asks:

9.  Would you rather be considered a sexually:

(A)  hands-on person, or

(B)   creative person?

This is another question where the majority of participants were all in close agreement across all categorical breakouts where 60% preferred the touchy feely aspect of sex, while 40% preferred to be the creative person.  I think it is important to note and know your partner’s preference on this one.  Since our last question was about introducing something new and different into the sexual relationship, the creative person can be a wonderful compliment especially to someone who thinks or feels he or she is not very creative.  If you both prefer to be hands-on then find fun ways to touch each other that can be fun and creative.  For example, instead of using your hands, consider using silk ties or scarfs to glide over your skin and experience the sensations.  You can make it a guessing game by having your partner close her eyes and then using as many different tactile items around your home.  One couple I suggested this to used foods like noodles, ice, bananas, grapes, etc.  The idea is to have pleasure, fun and intimacy – so enjoy!

BSPI Question #8

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 8th question in my survey and asks:

8.  Are you more sexually comfortable:

(A)  dealing with spontaneous creative stirrings, or

(B)   engaging in a pleasurable routine?

 

There was a definite agreement on this question, the majority of all participants across all categories preferred dealing with spontaneous creative stirrings.  The results were 70% for (A) and 30% for (B).  A good follow up question to know would have been: What percentage of the time do you actually engage in spontaneous creative stirrings?  While many people claim this preference, from a therapeutic standpoint many seek therapy because there sexual life has gone dormant or one partner has lost interest because of the lack of spontaneity or variety.  The research suggests in may fields related and unrelated to sex indicate that novelty is what keeps things fresh.  One suggestion I have for couples is that periodically take turns introducing something new and or different in their sexual relationship to keep it fresh and exciting.   So what do you do to keep it interesting?

 

BSPI Question #7

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 7 question in my survey and asks:

7.  If you were to fantasize about being with more than one partner, would you prefer to engage with:

(A)   all the participants simultaneously, or

(B)   one person at a time?

 

This question more than any other has been brought to my attention as one in which some people have a difficult time answering.  The main reason is because some people claim to not fantasize.  Some have even gone so far to say that they felt like it was cheating on their partner by not being fully present.  I have had couples in therapy struggle with this when one of them uses fantasy to get turned on while the other does not.  When encountering this situation, I usually use a metaphor of what it was like playing with your best friend when you were a kid.  When boys play sports one-on-one like basketball or football they usually pretend to be someone else to enhance the experience they are having and to add to the fun.  Your friend doesn’t get mad or upset because you imagine him to be someone else, you play along and imagine him to be someone else.  The bottom line is that you are still with your best friend enjoying the sport together.  You just use your imagination to take you someplace else and you are taking your best friend along with you – you’re not leaving them behind or wishing they were someone else in reality.

The men responded that 64% fantasized about engaging with all the participants and so did 45% of the women.  Since many men follow a pattern of sexuality that was initiated by the tenets that sex is secret, private, and impersonal [Zilbergeld – The New Male Sexuality] it would lend support to the majority selecting all the participants.  If partners shared their results, I wonder how many lively discussions took place after each revealed her/his preference to by with multiple partners?  My guess is that I think there are a few surprised participants and it is exactly why I wrote the survey to be a communications tool.

 

BSPI Question #6

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 6^th question in my survey and asks:

 

6.     What more often rules your desire, your:

(A)   emotions, or

(B)   physical urges?

 

This is the first question where an almost reciprocating difference between male and females emerge.  35% of the men and 60% of the women responded that they are ruled by their emotions.  The flip side is that 65% of the men and 40% of the women are motivated by their physical urges.  This is one of those questions that you could interpret through the lens of masculinity and femininity without assigning it to gender roles.  Physical urges are the realm of the masculine and the emotional urges are that of the feminine. 

However, when we think about emotions and how they are expressed research has suggested that women are more prone to talk about what they are thinking and feeling and to demonstrate with facial expressions, gestures and body language.  Men on the other hand have been conditioned to process their emotions inwardly.  Some men fear their own emotions considering them a sign of weakness and therefore bury them in order to protect themselves.  So maybe there is no surprise in how the numbers of this question shook out. 

One last thought on how this question gets answered by men may have to do with how they are conditioned around sex in general.  Bernie Zilbergeld wrote in The New Male Sexuality that boys come into their sexuality around three prongs: it’s a secret event; it’s a private event; and it’s impersonal.  Whatever starts a boy’s sexual engine is rarely associated with emotion and relationship other than with oneself.  So it would appear the physical connection is made early on and then is reinforced throughout his formative years.

Again as a reminder using the survey as a communications tool, I suggest you have a discussion with your partner as to his or her response to this question.  Really explore your reason for answering the way you did.  Is it possible that you see one of theses responses as less valuable than the other and if so why?  Make it fun as you inquire and learn more intimate details of your relationship, which should result in more pleasure for the two of you!

Take the BSPI© to find out more about your own preferences!