BSPI Question #10

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 10 question in my survey and asks:

10.  If you were to fantasize about sexual activity, would you prefer to:

(A)  direct the action, or

(B)   be directed?

 

This question might surprise you as to the results and how the women and men prefer to dominate or be dominated.  58% of the men and 25% of the women responded that they wanted to direct the action, i.e. dominate.  The flip side is that 42% of the men and 75% of the women wanted to submit by being directed, i.e. be dominated.  The surprise comes from what many think of the masculine preference to be in charge and yet the survey indicates that almost half as many men want to be directed.  This is one of those questions where I wonder how much scripting along gender lines has an affect on how one answers the questions.  As a man are you conditioned to prefer to dominate and as a woman are you conditioned to be the one to be dominated?  

The cultural messages are very strong, pervasive and persistent.  We tend to think that being dominated is the weaker position, while being dominant is stronger and is linked to the person in charge.  However in a consensual sexual relationship where the couple enjoys and gets turned on by power playing, just the opposite is true.  [Power Play – two partners decide consciously that one of them will be in charge and that the other will follow, always keeping it safe, sane and consensual.]  The person being dominated is the person with all the power and the reason being is because power playing involves safe words. The play is usually about testing one’s sexual limits and the play is stopped if the safe word is invoked.  Examples of safe words can be red, stop, pause or whatever you and your partner agree upon.

So if you would like to try something different, which is really a good idea to keep your sexual life healthy [ see previous Blog on Question 8] then you might consider exploring power plays.  Remember to keep it safe, sane and consensual and of course make your sex life all about pleasure, fun and intimacy!

 

BSPI Question #9

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 9 question in my survey and asks:

9.  Would you rather be considered a sexually:

(A)  hands-on person, or

(B)   creative person?

This is another question where the majority of participants were all in close agreement across all categorical breakouts where 60% preferred the touchy feely aspect of sex, while 40% preferred to be the creative person.  I think it is important to note and know your partner’s preference on this one.  Since our last question was about introducing something new and different into the sexual relationship, the creative person can be a wonderful compliment especially to someone who thinks or feels he or she is not very creative.  If you both prefer to be hands-on then find fun ways to touch each other that can be fun and creative.  For example, instead of using your hands, consider using silk ties or scarfs to glide over your skin and experience the sensations.  You can make it a guessing game by having your partner close her eyes and then using as many different tactile items around your home.  One couple I suggested this to used foods like noodles, ice, bananas, grapes, etc.  The idea is to have pleasure, fun and intimacy – so enjoy!

BSPI Question #8

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 8th question in my survey and asks:

8.  Are you more sexually comfortable:

(A)  dealing with spontaneous creative stirrings, or

(B)   engaging in a pleasurable routine?

 

There was a definite agreement on this question, the majority of all participants across all categories preferred dealing with spontaneous creative stirrings.  The results were 70% for (A) and 30% for (B).  A good follow up question to know would have been: What percentage of the time do you actually engage in spontaneous creative stirrings?  While many people claim this preference, from a therapeutic standpoint many seek therapy because there sexual life has gone dormant or one partner has lost interest because of the lack of spontaneity or variety.  The research suggests in may fields related and unrelated to sex indicate that novelty is what keeps things fresh.  One suggestion I have for couples is that periodically take turns introducing something new and or different in their sexual relationship to keep it fresh and exciting.   So what do you do to keep it interesting?

 

BSPI Question #7

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 7 question in my survey and asks:

7.  If you were to fantasize about being with more than one partner, would you prefer to engage with:

(A)   all the participants simultaneously, or

(B)   one person at a time?

 

This question more than any other has been brought to my attention as one in which some people have a difficult time answering.  The main reason is because some people claim to not fantasize.  Some have even gone so far to say that they felt like it was cheating on their partner by not being fully present.  I have had couples in therapy struggle with this when one of them uses fantasy to get turned on while the other does not.  When encountering this situation, I usually use a metaphor of what it was like playing with your best friend when you were a kid.  When boys play sports one-on-one like basketball or football they usually pretend to be someone else to enhance the experience they are having and to add to the fun.  Your friend doesn’t get mad or upset because you imagine him to be someone else, you play along and imagine him to be someone else.  The bottom line is that you are still with your best friend enjoying the sport together.  You just use your imagination to take you someplace else and you are taking your best friend along with you – you’re not leaving them behind or wishing they were someone else in reality.

The men responded that 64% fantasized about engaging with all the participants and so did 45% of the women.  Since many men follow a pattern of sexuality that was initiated by the tenets that sex is secret, private, and impersonal [Zilbergeld – The New Male Sexuality] it would lend support to the majority selecting all the participants.  If partners shared their results, I wonder how many lively discussions took place after each revealed her/his preference to by with multiple partners?  My guess is that I think there are a few surprised participants and it is exactly why I wrote the survey to be a communications tool.