BSPI Question 16

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

 This is the 16^th question in my survey and asks:

 

16.  In your sexual relationship[s] are you

(A)  unsure of what you want, or

(B)  sure of what you want?

 

It may surprise some that ¾ of the men surveyed are unsure of what they want in their sexual relationships, while more than half but not as many women [60%] were equally unsure.  One reason for the higher numbers of unsure partners may have to do with how comfortable you are at communicating your sexual needs. 

Communication ranks at the top of the list of what couples struggle with the most when it comes to sexual matters.  Usually it is due to a lack of communicating effectively with each other.  As a sex therapist, this is what finally brought many couples to seek out professional help, when they can no longer deal with their issues on their own. 

 

It is interesting to listen how for so many, in the early stages of a developing relationship, communication seems to be so easy and comfortable.  It appears that communications run the biggest risk of deteriorating when emotional distancing creeps into the relationship.  Like weeds in the garden if you don’t tend them, they will over run your crops threatening a bountiful harvest.  Relationships are no different – they need tending to or they will fall apart.  Communication is a rich nutrient that keeps the relationship healthy and growing strong!

  

Men responded S=75 / D=25

Women S=60 /  D=40

 

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Question #15

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

This is the 15^th question in my survey and asks:

 

      15.  Do you prefer to

(A)  outwardly express intense sexual pleasure, or

(B) inwardly experience intense bodily sensations?

 

Both men and women seemed aligned in their preference to outwardly express their sexual pleasure 63% and 60% respectively.  More than half of the people surveyed like to communicate to their partners the pleasure that they are experiencing.  This represents a positive direction towards an opportunity for a deeper intimate bond.   Learning what pleases our partner can be emotionally satisfying for both people.  From a love language perspective where words of affirmation fills your tank, then this expression is packed with a double benefit, one of sharing in your partner’s pleasure while having your own love tank filled.  For those respondents who inwardly experience intense bodily sensations, an opportunity is made available for you to share how your partner has impacted your personal pleasure.  Discussing how wonderful an experience not only strengthens your bond but also lets you relive the good feelings.

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Question #14

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

This is the 14^th question in my survey and asks:

         14.  Does the idea of teaching your partner what satisfies you sexually

(A)  stimulate you, or

(B)  reduce your desire? 

The men in the survey responded in the affirmative to the tune of 80% that the idea of teaching their partner what sexually satisfies them is a turn-on and so did 60% of the women surveyed.  Apparently the teacher role turns many people on.  This presents a real opportunity for couples to make sex about pleasure, FUN and intimacy.  By focusing on fun, you can be playful with your partner, which will enhance the relationship and deepen the bonds of intimacy.  It is a win/win for everyone involved. 

 

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 
 

For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Questions #13

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

This is the 13^th question in my survey and asks:

 13.  Is sexual activity more enjoyable if you feel

(A)  emotionally connected, or

(B)  physically aroused?

 Some readers might find it surprising that more than half [60%] of the men surveyed want to feel emotionally connected along with 70% of the women.  Based on cultural messages many of us have received through the years, the thought that most men would connect sexual activity with physical sensations would likely seem to be the norm.  However, this question reminds us that there is a lot of unspoken communication that if taken advantage of could further enhance our relationships and deepen our bonds of intimacy.  On the flip side many would not be surprised that a majority of the women have connected the sexual with the emotional.  This should make us wonder if this is the case then what messages do women receive that are different from men in shaping their experiences of sex and sexuality? Use the question to explore your relationship and ask what it means to feel emotionally connected.  From a therapeutic perspective – not being emotionally connected is what brings a lot of couples into therapy.

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Question #12

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 12 question in my survey and asks:

12.  Does planning for your sexual activity:

(A)  arouse you, or

(B)   turn you off sexually?

 

This is the first question where you might be pleasantly surprised to discover that most people – women 80% and men 85% get turned on by planning for sexual activity.  Even though many people complain that there is no spontaneity in their sexual relationships, the majority appears to want to plan for sex possibly to make sure it happens.  When you really think about it, I believe most people get excited when they know they can look forward to something and when that something is sex even more so.  I suggest taking turns to plan, don’t leave it up to the same partner – you are both responsible for the relationship.  Introducing something new with your partner has been discussed in several previous blogs and keeps the relationship healthy and exciting.  We get bored and eventually uninterested when we repeat the same thing over and over even when that ‘thing’ is enjoyable.  By planning you build anticipation and you will really look forward to that time.  A word of advice – keep the time you plan sacred – unless there is a life threatening event, don’t let anything interfere with your time together and leave the cell phones in another room.  Consider planning when you both have the most energy and again make it pleasurable fun and intimate!

 

BSPI Question #11

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 11 question in my survey and asks:

11.  When engaged in sexual activity do you prefer the:

(A)  lights on, or

(B)   lights off?

 

This is another one of those questions where an almost reciprocating difference between male and females emerge.  75% of the men and 35% of the women responded that they prefer the lights on.  The flip side is that 25% of the men and 65% of the women want the lights off.  There are two ways to look at this question – one is in the light of body image and how we feel when we look in the mirror and what looks backs – and the other way is by the assignment of gender roles with regards to masculinity and femininity.

Body image issues plague many people, especially since our culture has reinforced over and over again what is “the ideal image” that we should be striving to be.  The message is not about accepting you as you are but that you are flawed and need to look a certain way.  I think the messages are much harder on women than men and as a result we could interpret the results of this question that many women prefer to keep their images in the dark.  We need to learn to accept our image as is and not compare it to a static moment in time that photographs represent and assign an unrealistic ideal that we should be striving for, i.e. young, slim, fit and built.

The other way to interpret this question is through the view that “men are visual” and of course they would need the lights on to see.  I think that this way of thinking about the preference for men to be visual gets back to Zilbergeld [The New Male Sexuality] belief that boys come into their sexuality around the three prongs of secrecy, privacy and impersonality.  Boys do not make the connection that the sex is about relationships and there is no one pushing that agenda either, with many parents being uncomfortable talking about sex with their children and the lack of a healthy education regarding sex in our school systems. 

I would encourage you to have a pleasurable, fun and intimate conversation with your partner about this question.  It could be very interesting to discover how and why your partner answered the way she or he did.  Besides, it is a great way to grow closer and deepen your connection with each other.

 

BSPI Question #10

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 10 question in my survey and asks:

10.  If you were to fantasize about sexual activity, would you prefer to:

(A)  direct the action, or

(B)   be directed?

 

This question might surprise you as to the results and how the women and men prefer to dominate or be dominated.  58% of the men and 25% of the women responded that they wanted to direct the action, i.e. dominate.  The flip side is that 42% of the men and 75% of the women wanted to submit by being directed, i.e. be dominated.  The surprise comes from what many think of the masculine preference to be in charge and yet the survey indicates that almost half as many men want to be directed.  This is one of those questions where I wonder how much scripting along gender lines has an affect on how one answers the questions.  As a man are you conditioned to prefer to dominate and as a woman are you conditioned to be the one to be dominated?  

The cultural messages are very strong, pervasive and persistent.  We tend to think that being dominated is the weaker position, while being dominant is stronger and is linked to the person in charge.  However in a consensual sexual relationship where the couple enjoys and gets turned on by power playing, just the opposite is true.  [Power Play – two partners decide consciously that one of them will be in charge and that the other will follow, always keeping it safe, sane and consensual.]  The person being dominated is the person with all the power and the reason being is because power playing involves safe words. The play is usually about testing one’s sexual limits and the play is stopped if the safe word is invoked.  Examples of safe words can be red, stop, pause or whatever you and your partner agree upon.

So if you would like to try something different, which is really a good idea to keep your sexual life healthy [ see previous Blog on Question 8] then you might consider exploring power plays.  Remember to keep it safe, sane and consensual and of course make your sex life all about pleasure, fun and intimacy!