BSPI Question 19

What’s Your Sexual Preference? 

This is the 19th question in my survey and asks: 

 

19. Do you find it 

1. (A) easy to communicate your sexual needs and desires, or [D] 

2. (B) difficult to communicate your sexual needs and desires? [S] 

  

Among women and men only 45% and 52% respectively find it easy to communicate their sexual needs and/or desires.  What makes it so difficult for so many people?  Communication, communication, communication!!! When you research the origins of the word communication what you learn is that it means to ‘make something common’ and ‘sharing’, i.e. make a community. 

One way to explain the difficulties communicating about sex is that the word ‘common’ is subjective.  In other words, not everyone thinks about sex the same way.  Many people identify sex as only intercourse and that can lead to understanding sex as goal oriented and thus performance based.  This represents a real opportunity to start the discussion with your significant other.  Start asking some questions – what does sex mean to you?  What do want to get out of sex?  How can we make sex more pleasurable, fun and intimate?  One of the best ways to get comfortable communicating about sex is to start a dialogue.  You can use my survey to explore and most of all – have fun! 

 To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Question 18

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

 This is the 18^th question in my survey and asks:

 

18.  Would you rather have a sexual partner who is

(A)  comfortable with suggesting new ideas, or [A]

(B)  satisfied with the practiced and familiar? [H]

 

We are creatures of habit and the survey responses confirm it!  Over 90% of both women and men are satisfied with the practiced and familiar, with the men slightly more so at 95%.

 

What this says about our sexual relationships is that we can get pretty comfortable in a routine but we should caution ourselves not to get too familiar.  When it becomes too well known it can become boring and eventually may lessen its appeal to be sought after.  We need to learn to refresh our relationships from time to time.  As the survey reminds, not all the time, but in the interest of keeping it vibrant and growing, the relationship will benefit by periodically trying something new. 

 

The caution here is to not take it for granted but to remind each other how much you love and value one another.  I would suggest telling your partner one thing you experienced while being sexually intimate that made the time together special.

  

Men responded A=5 / H=95

Women A=9 /  H=91

 

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Question 17

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

 This is the 17^th question in my survey and asks:

 

17.  In your sexual encounters, do you

(A)  enjoy feeling a sense of urgency, or

(B)  hold back if feeling any sense of urgency?

 

The majority of respondents do not enjoy feeling a sense of urgency.  While 32% of the men were in favor of such a feeling, only 20% of the women responded positively. 

 

For many men, feeling of a sense of urgency, especially from their partners, has been a catalyst for them to seek professional help when they have reacted unfavorably.  Men have reported that feeling a sense of urgency has impeded their ability to perform.  Unfortunately too many cultural messages pervade that sex is about performance.  It is reinforced constantly from the unrealistic view of sexuality that is pervasive in the pornography industry to the advertisements that bombard the male psyche from the pharmaceutical companies specializing in the erectile dysfunction [ED] medications.  One notable tag line is “be ready when the time is right!”  One not familiar with what 

ED medications are for might question – “what does ready mean?”  It is clearly about performing. 

 

Given the disparity in the responsibilities for the house and family between women and men might lead us to conclude why 80% of the women hold back if feeling any sense of urgency.  Sex can be just one more thing to be checked off of an already too long list of things to take care of in addition to maintaining a career outside the home.  Another reason is that urgency often translates into “stress” when too few resources [i.e. time] are available, not to mention the energy required to make sex enjoyable. 

 

This question presents with an excellent opportunity to open the dialogue around sexual matters and, like the previous question about sexual wants, provides the space to talk about what you really need from your partner. 

 

Men responded A=32 / H=68

Women A=20 /  H=80

 

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Question 16

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

 This is the 16^th question in my survey and asks:

 

16.  In your sexual relationship[s] are you

(A)  unsure of what you want, or

(B)  sure of what you want?

 

It may surprise some that ¾ of the men surveyed are unsure of what they want in their sexual relationships, while more than half but not as many women [60%] were equally unsure.  One reason for the higher numbers of unsure partners may have to do with how comfortable you are at communicating your sexual needs. 

Communication ranks at the top of the list of what couples struggle with the most when it comes to sexual matters.  Usually it is due to a lack of communicating effectively with each other.  As a sex therapist, this is what finally brought many couples to seek out professional help, when they can no longer deal with their issues on their own. 

 

It is interesting to listen how for so many, in the early stages of a developing relationship, communication seems to be so easy and comfortable.  It appears that communications run the biggest risk of deteriorating when emotional distancing creeps into the relationship.  Like weeds in the garden if you don’t tend them, they will over run your crops threatening a bountiful harvest.  Relationships are no different – they need tending to or they will fall apart.  Communication is a rich nutrient that keeps the relationship healthy and growing strong!

  

Men responded S=75 / D=25

Women S=60 /  D=40

 

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Question #15

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

This is the 15^th question in my survey and asks:

 

      15.  Do you prefer to

(A)  outwardly express intense sexual pleasure, or

(B) inwardly experience intense bodily sensations?

 

Both men and women seemed aligned in their preference to outwardly express their sexual pleasure 63% and 60% respectively.  More than half of the people surveyed like to communicate to their partners the pleasure that they are experiencing.  This represents a positive direction towards an opportunity for a deeper intimate bond.   Learning what pleases our partner can be emotionally satisfying for both people.  From a love language perspective where words of affirmation fills your tank, then this expression is packed with a double benefit, one of sharing in your partner’s pleasure while having your own love tank filled.  For those respondents who inwardly experience intense bodily sensations, an opportunity is made available for you to share how your partner has impacted your personal pleasure.  Discussing how wonderful an experience not only strengthens your bond but also lets you relive the good feelings.

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

 For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Question #14

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

This is the 14^th question in my survey and asks:

         14.  Does the idea of teaching your partner what satisfies you sexually

(A)  stimulate you, or

(B)  reduce your desire? 

The men in the survey responded in the affirmative to the tune of 80% that the idea of teaching their partner what sexually satisfies them is a turn-on and so did 60% of the women surveyed.  Apparently the teacher role turns many people on.  This presents a real opportunity for couples to make sex about pleasure, FUN and intimacy.  By focusing on fun, you can be playful with your partner, which will enhance the relationship and deepen the bonds of intimacy.  It is a win/win for everyone involved. 

 

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 
 

For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com

BSPI Questions #13

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

         Found at:  BSPISurvey.com

This is the 13^th question in my survey and asks:

 13.  Is sexual activity more enjoyable if you feel

(A)  emotionally connected, or

(B)  physically aroused?

 Some readers might find it surprising that more than half [60%] of the men surveyed want to feel emotionally connected along with 70% of the women.  Based on cultural messages many of us have received through the years, the thought that most men would connect sexual activity with physical sensations would likely seem to be the norm.  However, this question reminds us that there is a lot of unspoken communication that if taken advantage of could further enhance our relationships and deepen our bonds of intimacy.  On the flip side many would not be surprised that a majority of the women have connected the sexual with the emotional.  This should make us wonder if this is the case then what messages do women receive that are different from men in shaping their experiences of sex and sexuality? Use the question to explore your relationship and ask what it means to feel emotionally connected.  From a therapeutic perspective – not being emotionally connected is what brings a lot of couples into therapy.

To take the BSPI Survey visit:  BSPISurvey.com 

For the Beiter Sex Intimacy Indicator Survey visit:  BSIISurvey.com