BSPI Question 4

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 4^th question in my survey and asks:

 Do you prefer to:

(A)   schedule sexual time well in advance, or

(B)   be open to your sexual urges when you feel them?

 

This is the first question in the survey that had no gender differences in the results. The majority of the survey respondents [93%] prefer to be open to their sexual urges and when it comes to scheduling sex only 7% prefer it.  And yet as a therapist one of the more frequent issues couples bring to therapy is the lack of sexual time together.  While many people may claim to want to be open to their sexual urges, just how many actually take the time to satisfy them?  And then there is the question about misaligned timing – how do you manage when one of you is “in the mood” and the other is not? 

The ‘sexual timing’ disconnect for some couples is what prevents them from taking advantage of their sexual urges.  One of the more common complaints has to do with timing at the end of the day and the couple not going to bed together.  Another issue deals with how exhausted one of the partners feels at the end of the day.  Many of the women bear the greater share of responsibility for the house and children while also holding a full time job leaving little if any energy for sex. 

Sometimes people make the assumption as a result of misaligned sexual urges that one partner has a higher sexual drive than the other.  What it comes down to is communication.  Communicating and talking it out with each other can successfully resolve most sexual issues between couples.  Learning not to criticize and/or judge but seeking first to listen to understand and not react will go a long way in helping reduce conflict in the relationship.  Remember to make all your sexual experiences grounded in pleasure, fun and intimacy.  Talking with your partner about sex should be a very intimate experience that the two of you share.

BSPI Test Question 3

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the third question in my survey and asks:
     3.     Regarding sexual activity, are you usually:
            (A)    the one to initiate, or
            (B)    passive and acquiescing?

This is the first question where a significant difference between male and females emerge.  78% of the men and 40% of the women responded that they are usually the ones to initiate sexual activity.  I personally think that these results raise more fundamental questions than it answers.  For example, are men conditioned to initiate and are women conditioned to be initiated upon?  If the answer to that question is ‘yes’ then what are the cultural, societal and familial messages that are being reinforced?  I noticed that if you combine the total number of respondents that selected ‘(A) the one to initiate’ that the percentages tend to flatten out – meaning that 53% of the survey respondents initiate sexual activity while 47% prefer to be initiated upon.  

Using the survey as a communications tool, have a discussion with your partner as to what his or her preference is, would like it to be shared, is it a major turn-on if your partner pursues you?

Remember the purpose of the survey is to have fun while being intimate with one another and find ways to make it pleasurable for you.

Take the BSPI© to find out more about your own preferences!

CROSSING THROUGH 6 DECADES IN THE BEST SHAPE EVER!

Happy Birthday to me! I recently turned 60 years and began planning for my “New Year’s” day almost 82 weeks ago.  On April 1, 2015 I reminded myself of Napoleon Hill’s famous quote that whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve!  At age 60, I conceived that I wanted to be in the best physical shape ever and that I had rock solid abs. I’m proud to say that I achieved my goal.

 

My journey began by hiring a personal trainer to guide me along the path by writing my weekly workouts.  As an over-achiever and self-motivated individual, I just needed the written exercises.  Over the course of 18.5 months, I never missed a workout.  My time in the gym, which ranged from 4 to 6 days a week lasted anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours depending on what muscle group I was working on that day.

 

I learned it was not so much the weight you pushed around in the gym that got you healthier but the consistency of going everyday.  I never once felt pressured or agonized about going, instead I found joy and solace there.  I missed my home gym at Lakeland High School when I traveled out of town and looked forward returning to the familiar surroundings I grew to enjoy.

 

In closing, I am grateful for, and to, all the people who helped and encouraged me along the way.  Even though it appears to be a self-directed journey it can never be completed alone or as one of my friends remind me that the word alone when broken down says that we are “al[l] one”.  I had a lot of help in my success from the people I love most in this world to the ones who really did not know me but fed me, clothed me and provided the places for me to workout.    

So what are you willing to commit to in order to personally develop and grow?  What would you like to achieve from what you can conceive and believe?  I would love to hear from you and the journey you are taking.

 

For more information or to work with me visit the contact page on my website, SexHealthDoc.com.  (The picture - that's me at 60!)

Top 10 that can lower your sex drive

Every now and then I run across something that I think can have an impact on relationships.  The following tips are worth sharing and worth paying attenion to.

Here are the Top 10 That Lower Sex Drive from PleasureMeNow.com

 

1   White bread - Eating refined carbohydrates saps your sexual energy because these foods release sugar too quickly, which leads to an energy slump that can make you too tired for fun in bed. Too much sugar can also make you fat, which causes all sorts of problems, including an increased estrogen level, that lowers testosterone levels in both men and women, causing a lowered libido. People with extra weight also have reduced blood flow to the sex organs, which means less arousal and more frequent bouts of dysfunction.

2   Cold and Flu Remedies - Medicines that contain diphenhydramine or pseudoephedrine not only affect your sex drive but can cause erectile problems. Antihistamines can lead to ejaculation problems as well as low sex drive in both men and women.

3   Iron Deficiency - Low iron levels may reduce the quality of blood flow and sap energy.

4   Blood Pressure Pills - Because these medications reduce heart rate and blood flow, not as much blood gets to the genitals, and function and desire are deminished.

5   Baldness Cures - Men who take the hair loss drug Finasteride (Propecia) can have a significantly reduced libido. It's thought the drug alters levels of important brain chemicals that affect mood and other bodily functions.

6   Losing Pounds too Quickly - Taking weight off too fast can disturb hormones and affect fertility. If you lose more than 10 % of your body weight too quickly, your body goes into starvation mode and all unnecessary functions (such as sex drive) shut down. All you want to do is sleep...

7   Painkillers - Opiate based painkillers such as codeine and morphine can supress activity in the hypothalamus, which causes a release of hormones that suppress libido. If you're worried about your sex drive, stick with painkillers such as paracetamol and ibuprofen.

8   Diabetes - Diabetes can cause nerve ddamage, which means you're less sensitive to touch. It also causes lowered testosterone levels, narrowed arteries and nerve damage which can lead to erectile difficulty.

9   The Pill - The hormones in the Pill trick your body into thinking you're already pregnant and don't need to reproduce. It also lowers testosterone levels, which prevents ovulation and horniness.

10  Antidepressants - Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors - a modern family of antidepressants including Prozac (fluoxetine), Seroxat (paroxetine) and sertraline - cause a loss of libido and delayed orgasm in the majority of people who take them. Older antipsychotic drugs such as haloperidol (Serenace) and chlorpromazine (Largactil) and some newer ones such as risperidone (Risperdal) also affect sexual desire in up to three-quarters of people tested. A new drug called agomelatine (or Valdoxan) does not cause these side-effects, nor does mirtazapine (Avanza, Zispin).

Best communication habit

When it comes to improving the communication in your relationship, there is no better habit than to seek first to understand, then to be understood.  This habit comes from Stephen Covey’s best-seller The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. 

 

Covey said that most people don’t listen to understand but only listen with the intent to reply.  There is a big difference in the way we listen when we are trying to understand the other person versus when we are waiting for the person to stop talking so we can respond.  We run the risk of carrying on monologues instead of dialogues.  It is a true gift to be fully present to another person and let them know you fully understand what has just been said. 

 

When you get really good at this habit – after listening to someone and wanting them to know that you really understood them – you repeat what you heard them say in words better than they could explain it to you.  Remember it’s a habit and will take time and practice, practice, practice to get good at it!

 

 

The 5 Love Languages

                                  

Gary Chapman wrote an amazing and influential book titled – The Five Love Languages.  Ever since I read it, I have applied it both professionally and personally.  I like to think of his methodology as fundamental to being successful in any of your important relationships. 

(Watch an introduction to the 5 Love Languages on my YouTube page!) 

Chapman identified 5 love languages that are essential for any relationship to thrive.  He believed it is vital and crucial to keep each other’s love tank full.  You can liken the tank to the gasoline tank on your vehicle – if you drain it dry – you are going nowhere!  If you empty the love tank in your relationship it stalls and anger and resentment can set in.

 

Chapman claims each of us has a primary love language that we cannot live without.  He identified them as follows:

 

·               Words of Affirmation

·               Quality Time

·               Acts of Service

·               Receiving Gifts

·               Physical Touch

 

He offers a free assessment on his website at www.5lovelanguages.com if you are not sure.  Take the time and learn your partner’s language your relationship will be the better for it.  Call me if you need help with your relationship and you just don’t know where to turn!

 

 

You Just Don’t Understand

Deborah Tannen wrote a book titled, "You Just Don’t Understand".  It's over 20 years old,  yet I still reference a story from her work that has stuck with me about how women and men communicate.  My recollection of the story is that a wife comes home from a bad day at the office and wants to tell her husband what went wrong with her boss.  The husband listens intently and then tries to offer her a solution as a way to resolve ‘her’ problem.  The wife gets frustrated claiming she does not need him to problem solve and ends the conversation by saying, “you just don’t understand [hence the title of the book].  

The next day the husband comes home and complains about how bad his day had been.  The wife listens intently as well and then tries to share a similar story from a close friend of hers.  He gets frustrated and says he does not care about her friend and storms out saying “you just don’t understand.”  His wife was trying to normalize and let him know that it happens to other people as well and that he does not need to be upset about it.

One reason I reference this story every so often is because when I am working with clients either as a couple or as an individual it becomes obvious that not every conversation they have is about solving problems, sometimes the person just wants/needs to vent. It comes down to a basic listening skill – are we listening to understand or are we listening to respond or even react.  This is a skill well worth developing to constantly improve our interpersonal relationships.  There is nothing more powerful or persuasive than developing a reputation of being a good listener.  As the famous Greek philosopher Epictetus reminds us: we have two ears and one mouth so that we listen twice as much as we speak.

Here’s your challenge: try taking the time periodically throughout the day to listen to understand and then reflect back to the other person what you heard her/him say.  The benefits are two-fold; one you get practice at being a better listener and the person being listened to will really feel validated and appreciated

Invest In Your Most Important Asset!

Now that we are almost three months into the New Year – what have you done to improve or strengthen your most important intimate relationship?  Or consider – what is your personal growth plan for your most important intimate relationship? 

 

All too many times people want to know what happened to their relationship – I often hear “I feel like I am living with my room mate” or that “the spark is no longer there.”  Part of the problem is that many people do not think of making conscious investments in their relationships.  They think that it should be spontaneous and requires nothing more than just showing up!  I remind them to reflect on where else in your life you need to just show up and things improve.  Try just showing up at the gym or in your yard or when it comes to maintenance on your home or with your health.  Nothing improves by just showing up without putting forth any effort. 

 

The death-bed literature claims that when you ask people where they wished they would have put forth more effort – it is always the relationship. So as the advertisers tout – don’t delay, act today and reap the benefits of a well-nurtured relationship. 

 

Here are a few quick tips:

•  Go for a walk together – Spring is here! 
•  Practice a random acts of kindness throughout the week with each other!
• Go out on a date with each – take turns as to who plans!
• Tell your partner something s/he does not know about you!
• Take time to kiss and mean it!

 

OK – now it’s up to you to take action and start enjoying the best year ever with your partner – make it fun, pleasurable and intimate!

Want to schedule time to learn more about Relationship or Sex Therapy, call 248-906-8301 today! 

 

Why The Past Keeps Interfering With The Present

One item that will come up from time to time in therapy for couples is that one of them claims the other is always bringing up things from the past.  Inevitably one person always questions the purpose of rehashing things and/or why can’t he or she just let it go?  I carefully explain to my clients that the solution is simple but the execution is difficult.  I like to refer my clients to Stephen Covey’s 5th Habit from his world famous The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  It is learning to Seek First to Understand, Then Be Understood.   I believe the point Covey was trying to make was when we are listening to understand as opposed to responding; we can learn to hear differently what the real issue or issues are.

This is also another way you can acknowledge and validate the other person’s feelings, which I believe will help you and your partner leave the past behind.  When you really master the habit, you will be able to repeat back to your partner what you just understood them to say in words better than they could have explained them to you.  And there in lies the rub, i.e. the execution – because if you allow your emotions to be provoked then the listening stops and the reacting begins.

So if you want to leave the past where it belongs, then remind yourself when you are faced with it in a conversation from someone whom you care deeply for that they are looking for your understanding and not your defense of the situation.

For more information or to work with me please visit SexHealthDoc.com.

Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole

One of the most frustrating things couples experience, and ultimately come to therapy for, is when they feel their relationship has moved into the “living with my best friend” and they are no longer intimate anymore.  I need to jump up on my soapbox for just a sentence or two to emphatically state that there is a real human need to provide relationship classes in our primary education years and beyond.  Either adjust the three R’s to include relationships or add a fourth R, enough said!  

Many couples struggle with sustaining what each considers a happy, healthy and satisfying sexual relationship.  It shouldn’t surprise anyone [although it does] that this would become an issue in long-term relationships when there has never been any kind of formal or informal ways of addressing sexual matters and concerns.  One reason is that many people feel completely uncomfortable talking about what they consider to be of an extremely [possibly embarrassing] personal nature.

So if you are not talking to anyone other than your partner about what “a normal sexual relationship” is supposed to be like then where did you get your information?  Zilbergeld [The New Male Sexuality – Revised Edition] wrote about a Fantasy Model of sexuality and described how many people define sex as intercourse making it all about performance, thus limiting your view of sexuality.  I liked his sports car analogy to sex – the only way you can really enjoy this car [i.e. sex] is to drive [i.e. intercourse] 90 mph around really windy roads.

If you have limited your view of sex to intercourse [my Round Hole title – no pun intended] then you are missing out on so much pleasure, fun and intimacy.  In other words, you and your partner need and should define sex on your terms.  Rethinking frequency with satisfaction – make your square peg fit into your square opening!