The 7 Habits of Highly Fit People #2 - End Goal

1. Get started!
2. End Goal – weight or waist size or body image?
3. Kitchen first, gym second!
4. Win-Win-Win by balancing nutrition, exercise and rest!
5. Listen to your body – don’t over fuel it or over work it
6. Learn what others are doing and share what works for you – synergize!
7. Learn as much about nutrition and fitness as you are interested in!

Besides the Zig Ziglar quote pictured here, I like Tony Robbins quote – 'setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible!’  I encourage you to get a vision of what you want to look like or feel like and then never lose sight of it.  Make a picture board of images that represent your goal as a daily reminder to you of your destination.  Don’t give up on yourself – people that are successful are willing to do what unsuccessful people are not! 

The END GOAL in mind is like following a recipe.  If you are good at guesstimating how much needs to go in then you can “wing it” and get the results without a tight structure.  However, if you are one of those people who are more successful in following a stricter path, then by all means follow the directions – set a weekly workout and nutrition schedule.  This is all a matter of preference and one way is not necessarily better than an other when it comes to the results that you are looking for and will be happy with.  

The 7 Habits of Highly Fit People

If becoming fit is your goal then look no further to learn how to just [as the Nike ads read] do it!  

Becoming fit takes a personal commitment that no one else can do for you.  You can’t get others to eat better for you or exercise or sleep for you – only you can do it for yourself.  As someone who has been more or less fit his entire life, I feel I am somewhat of a subject matter expert on what it takes to get and stay fit.  

First let me preface, I did not come from a family who valued fitness or had “good genes”, but what I did have was determination and a willingness to make smarter choices regarding my overall health.  

As I reflected on those choices, I became keenly aware of some habits that all fit people share.  Borrowing shamelessly from Stephen Covey: The 7 Habits of Highly Fit People are:

1. Get started!
2.  End Goal – weight or waist size or body image?
3. Kitchen first, gym second!
4. Win-Win-Win by balancing nutrition, exercise and rest!
5. Listen to your body – don’t over fuel it or over work it!
6. Learn what others are doing and share what works for you – synergize!
7. Learn as much about nutrition and fitness as you are interested in!

 My goal over the next seven weeks is to give you a little more information about each and everyone of these habits and how they may work for you.  My disclaimer up front is that this is nothing I invented or created.  I just gathered all the information into one place that will help you think through and adopt an attitude of getting yourself fit.  Remember fit is like one of those words such as normal where the definition that can be most helpful is the way in which you define it.  

With all that said, let’s take a look at the first and Get Started! 

GET STARTED

One of the most difficult steps for people to take when they have decided to change to improve their health is the first step.  Taking that first step is one of the biggest obstacles many people face in starting almost anything.  

The first step is about believing you can or as Henry Ford said – “whether you think you can or cannot, you’re right!’  So don’t delay – start today – you’ll be glad you did!  A friend of mine recently reminded me that the toughest piece of equipment to operate in a gym is the front door!   What helped me open that door was not wanting to feel the way I did anymore.  Rather than it being a practical decision, it became an emotional one.

Think about your attitude – do you have the right one to help you GET STARTED?  Attitude is something you choose – no one gives it to you and no one takes it away from you.  So think about how you can choose the best attitude for you that supports the direction you want to take to get into feeling the best about yourself that you have ever experienced.

Once you GET STARTED and you will be glad you did, you might be surprised to see how quickly one good decision leads to another like the laws of attraction always talk about.  You will attract many other healthy habits into your lifestyle just by – you guessed it – GETting STARTED!

To connect with me personally, visit the contact page at SexHealthDoc.com.

Values in a Relationship

A client asked me recently to help him understand the value[s] of being in an intimate relationship with a woman and asked me to share my personal view.  I wished I had a tape recorder because he told me that what I said was extremely helpful for him to hear.  He then recapped very clearly and succinctly all the high points I had made.  I found his question very interesting in that I had never really thought about what my values were in my relationship but was willing to answer his request.  

I started by saying what I value most in my relationship with my fiancé was feeling secure and safe enough to be vulnerable with her.  I trust her unquestionably to be able to share my deepest, darkest fantasies and never worry that she is going to judge me.  I think I had more internal issues with being open than she had to accept what I shared.  

I value that we both feel confident, loved and not insecure that we can share openly our comments about other people that cross our paths and whom we find attractive, sexy and yes even stunning.  I value the trust between us and have no reservations in letting her handle our financial position.  

I value my fiancé’s awesome sense of adventure.  I know she is never pushing an “agenda’ to do what she wants to do but desires us to experience life together in ways that are fun and exciting for both of us.  We have an incredible way of snuggling together while we sleep that I truly value and miss when we are separated.  

Lastly, I value how I feel that no one else in my life has “my back” in every important manner more completely and unconditionally than her.  

It is not that we are without our differences but we find ways to be respectful and caring toward each other.  I taught myself a valuable lesson when I see her “pushing me” to get things done.  She is not being mean or nagging but always has my best interest in mind and wants me to be successful.  She works hard for me and I am not sure she knows how much I appreciate and love her for what she has done, and continues to do, for me.  My client thought she should have been there with us to hear what I had to say as he was touched by my words or as he said “how genuine I sounded when speaking about her”.  So…hopefully now she knows!

So take some time and think about it.  What are your values in your relationship and how do you express them to the one you love?

To connect with me personally, visit the contact page at SexHealthDoc.com.

The Art of Conversation

– Spoken As Dialogue Heard As A Monologue

Recently I gained an insight into how some couples communicate.  My fiancé and I were out with friends when I happened to notice something different about the conversation.  As I sat there and listened to the wife explaining her feelings to her husband, I realized that even though he was hearing what she had to say by way of his eye contact with her, he made no effort to respond.  She then became so frustrated and looked at me, shrugging her shoulders exclaiming, “See, he has nothing to say!  Are all men like that?”  I took the opportunity to relate what I had witnessed and asked for confirmation from the husband, which he was more than happy to oblige.

I explained what I had noticed and could resonate with the discovery as it is something that I do as well.  Many times when men and women are communicating, with the woman carrying the lion’s share of the conversation, the man will sit patiently and listen to what is being said but not reply or respond.  She interprets his silence as he is not listening or that he does not care.  She ends up getting aggravated and he ends up with the “deer in the headlights” look.  His typical response...What?  I was listening.  Her retort…Then say something; anything, so I know you’re here!

I don’t know if it’s a guy thing or what but here is what I discovered

There are times when our partner is speaking – telling us what is going on.  She may tell him how she feels or something that happened with her family or at work.  He was listening for ways to contribute to the conversation and possibly was anticipating a question.  She thinks she is engaged in a dialogue, he hears no opening for a remark or comment, so he assumes it’s a monologue.  My friend jumped in his seat and exclaimed “that’s it!’ just like Charlie Brown did in the comics when Lucy was explaining something he was struggling to understand.

I think it is interesting to note how different we hear what is being said versus what was intended.  Our friends came to an understanding and agreement that night that whenever she is speaking, he would do his best to acknowledge and validate what he heard even if it was going to be a one word response versus silence.

How do you think you can contribute to your conversations with your partner that engages the two of you in a dialogue versus a monologue?

I am a licensed clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist, who has offices in Troy and White Lake, MI.  Additionally, I host a Relationship Fitness Bootcamp at the Niles Center in Troy, Michigan – the next class begins on September 18, 2014.  To register visit TroyCEOnline.  I hope you’ll join me

Internet and the Proliferation of Compulsive Sexual Gazing & Engagement

A point that needs discussing is the issues regarding Online Sexual Addiction [OSA] and the use of pornography.  In the book, "The Guide to Getting It On", byPaul Joannides, there is a very healthy and thoughtful discussion regarding OSA.  Pictures of naked people engaged in various sexual acts have been around since the dawn of time and they are not likely to ever go away.

 

We need to learn a healthy way to educate our children and adolescents on the proper use of our bodies and stop setting it up to become something so forbidden that we find ourselves desperately seeking out these images in ways that can lead to obsessive-compulsive behaviors.  It only becomes a problem if we make it that way and we have certainly gone out of our way to make it such, so much so that a whole field of therapy and counseling has been established to help those afflicted in order to find relief from the distressing effects of looking at too many digitized images of naked people engaged in anything sexual.

There is an interesting article where Raymond Lawrence an Episcopal cleric takes on the subject of sexual addiction and claims it to be nothing short of another attempt of Western Christianity Religious belief systems to control ones’ sexual pleasure, which given their history – is destined to fail – “Sex is not an addictive substance. It’s a human interaction on which the survival of the species is dependent. It is also possibly the most pleasurable and sought after activity known to humankind, and arguably an experience no one should be deprived of. Most normal people consider, more rather than less, sexual pleasure to be a major objective in life.”  As I reflected on his comment, I was also struck by the fact that so many people are struggling with this in their relationships and truly do need help…but help with what? 

If one were not in a relationship, would it still be a problem?  You could easily answer “yes” if it impacts ones’ employment or finances or any legal ramifications if what one seeks is judicially wrong.  However, most people I see in my practice are there because of their relationship being in trouble – in other words they got caught.  As absurd as this may sound, what if you compare this situation to someone who takes exercise to the extreme?  One could get in the same problems at work, with money and legally if one decided to ‘break in’ and steal the use of equipment.  Would we call this extreme excessive exercise addiction or as some believe ‘compulsive behavior’?  Since addiction appears to be coupled with substances like cocaine, heroin, and alcohol maybe we should/need to rethink the use of the word addiction.  Should we consider whether or not addiction is the best avenue to take when trying to describe and understand one’s need/consuming desire to seek out and engage in sexually explicit encounters?

Men & Masturbation

Results of the Beiter Sexuality Preference Indicator, BSPI survey, a communications tool to help individuals understand their own sexual preferences, indicated that the majority of men have coagulated around one particular set of preferences: Dominant, Touch, Physical and Adventurous.  As I reflected, I thought about how males typically get introduced into their sexuality at least from my own experience and those I have counseled since developing the BSPI.  The common themes include:

     Privacy

     Secrecy

     Little to no communication and not any sharing

     Forbidden images – magazines, movies, books, Internet

     Typically alone

Men, think about the first time you can remember getting an erection.  Typically, if it happened while you were asleep, you weren’t jumping out of bed and running down the hall to ask your parents.  If it happened at school, you were not wildly waving trying to get your teachers attention to ask her what was going on in your pants.  If you happened across a stash of pornographic images and got erotically excited you kept it to yourself.  In case you had not noticed what was common in what I just described is that sexuality for males is learned and practiced in isolation by masturbating. 

Masturbation for most males is a solo event and not discussed with anyone.  It becomes a conditioned behavior if you think about it.  In other words, it is done alone, in many cases with a visual image stimulant and not discussed.  Male sexuality gets positively reinforced without the benefit of a relationship with another and without language, vocabulary and/or communication. 

One other colossally monumental point to make is that what turns us on for the first time and many times thereafter is most likely never the person we end up with in a relationship.  So the question that begs to be asked is: “Given those facts about how males may develop sexually – how are they supposed to seamlessly switch from internalizing their sexuality to miraculously sharing and communicating their sexual needs to a partner?  The answer for many men is that they do not or cannot and then they are accused of being emotionally distant and/or distracted. 

There is a cultural expectation that has been reinforced for time continuum that once one is in a relationship with another they must remain devoted in all aspects to their partner.  I liken that to a man conditioning himself his whole life to play football.  He runs the drills, does the requisite exercises, learns the plays, etc.  Now when it comes time to play his first game – someone hands him a baseball glove and bat and tells him to go play!  Any we wonder why men struggle in relationships where they have been conditioned themselves to play solo?

For information on the BSPI survey or to schedule an appointment with me please visit the contact page at SexHealthDoc.com.  

Performance or Pleasure? – You Decide!

My previous Blog - HistoryEven a Sexual One Has a Way of Repeating Itself… - reminded us that too many times we learn plenty “about” sex but have learned very little “from” sex.  The main justification for this statement is that we continue, as did all the generations before us, to view sex as intercourse and all about performance.  Let’s face it, this notion is supported through all the religions that promote procreation as the only valid reason for having “sex” and is certainly supported today by the pharmaceutical industries that peddle the “magic elixir” to make one ready when the time is right!

 A man’s masculinity will be challenged if he is not able to get and maintain an erection and “perform” for his partner so that she will be pleased as well.  And yes, women are just as invested in the erection as men; in some cases maybe even more.  If he cannot “get it up” i.e. “perform” she will think that she is not sexy enough and her self-esteem and sexual self-confidence can take a pretty hard hit.  So why do we persist down this path when we are full aware of the dysfunctional end? 

Let’s take a few steps backward.  Let us go back to the place where our sexual engine was turned on for the first time.  Think about what was really important to you then?  If I am not mistaken, it would be all about experiencing the most pleasure possible.  Hmmm maybe we’re onto something here!  I’m pretty sure guys were not talking to their penises, asking – hey what gives, how come you didn’t last long enough – how ever one translates ‘long enough’. And if gals even thought of sexually touching themselves – mostly not encouraged and marginally supported even today – I am again pretty sure they were not contemplating how long a male partner might or should last. 

So what is interesting to ponder in these terms is that performance sexuality is a learned and conditioned response and not “natural” as many would have us believe.  So why not challenge yourself the next time you decide to engage sexually with each other to share, experience, and enjoy as much fun and pleasure as possible?  This means letting go of sexual encounters that are judged by stopwatches, erect penises, wet vaginas and dual orgasms, which can hamper our abilities to fully engage with our partners. 

So, go ahead – take the 30-day Pleasure Challenge – I dare you!

To connect with me personally, visit the contact page at SexHealthDoc.com.

Humble beginnings as a Sex Therapist

Many have asked me how I got started as a sex therapist especially when they discover that my doctorate was received in clinical psychology.  It always reminds me of a friend of mine who once casually mentioned that there are defining times in our lives that we are completely unaware of that point us in the direction we will ultimately head.  For me, that came in my tenth grade English class. 

I volunteered to do a book report with an accompanying class presentation on sex education.  Fortunate for me at the time, my oldest sister had just returned home from college and loaded up the family bookshelves with her stash of texts and paperbacks.  To prepare for my class project, I decided to read David Rueben’sclassic: Everything You Always Wanted ToKnow About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask.  My approach was to educate my classmates on the seemingly purposeful lack of information that we received in school, particularly in health class. 

I began my infamous presentation by posting the following words on the chalkboard: Cunnilingus / Clitoris / Fellatio.  My classmates including the substitute teacher [a female] remained motionless and made no comment and had no reaction even when I asked if anyone knew what two of the words meant?  In order to facilitate the teachings, I suggested that the girls in the classroom write down these words, take them home to mother and ask her to explain, since one was their body part.  [I can only humorously imagine what that conversation would have been like that night for some if they had acted on my suggestion.] 

I continued on without interruption until I came to my summation point, when I decided it was time to let them know what I really thought about the public school system and its way of preparing us for the “sexual world”.  So I stated “You are all going to find out very soon that there is a lot more to sexual intercourse than a man sticking his penis into a woman’s vagina.”  Needless to say, this declaration forced the ending of my presentation, everyone in the room was familiar with those words as the class erupted with an explosion of laughter and the teacher finally came to life ordering me to cease and desist and take my seat.  Fearful of being suspended from school, I informed my parents that evening of the day’s events and my father while doing his best to stifle the laughter, assured me that it would be “fine” with him as he said, “at least you told them the truth!”

While that event happened over 30 years ago, I personally have not seen much progress in our ability to become more comfortable with educational matters regarding our sexuality.  This realization came at a very high price to me while completing my doctoral studies.  One may call it déjà vu but 32 years later I was making a presentation to my classmates involving gender representations of masculinity and femininity when I was almost terminally expelled from the program after one of the students had a visceral reaction to a particular way a research participant chose to display his masculinity.  The school thought it would be “in my best interest” to receive ethics consultation from a licensed psychologist of their choice at my expense and that failure to act on this “recommendation” would most assuredly result in my expulsion.  I had been advised to “lay low” and let it blow over and not make an issue of it.  It comes then as no surprise that many people continue to feel “threatened” by their own sexuality or the discussion thereof. 

What I think is interesting to note and contrast is that in Esther Perel’s – Mating in Captivity – she reveals that the research has indicated that the United States has the highest rate of teenage pregnancy of any developed country and scores lowest when it comes to sex education.  One of my attempts then with this blog is to support my fellow educators and help debunk a lot of the common myths and misunderstandings in the field of human sexuality.

Connect with me through my Contact page at SexHealthDoc.com for relationship issues, sexual health and more!