Why The Past Keeps Interfering With The Present

One item that will come up from time to time in therapy for couples is that one of them claims the other is always bringing up things from the past.  Inevitably one person always questions the purpose of rehashing things and/or why can’t he or she just let it go?  I carefully explain to my clients that the solution is simple but the execution is difficult.  I like to refer my clients to Stephen Covey’s 5th Habit from his world famous The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  It is learning to Seek First to Understand, Then Be Understood.   I believe the point Covey was trying to make was when we are listening to understand as opposed to responding; we can learn to hear differently what the real issue or issues are.

This is also another way you can acknowledge and validate the other person’s feelings, which I believe will help you and your partner leave the past behind.  When you really master the habit, you will be able to repeat back to your partner what you just understood them to say in words better than they could have explained them to you.  And there in lies the rub, i.e. the execution – because if you allow your emotions to be provoked then the listening stops and the reacting begins.

So if you want to leave the past where it belongs, then remind yourself when you are faced with it in a conversation from someone whom you care deeply for that they are looking for your understanding and not your defense of the situation.

For more information or to work with me please visit SexHealthDoc.com.

Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole

One of the most frustrating things couples experience, and ultimately come to therapy for, is when they feel their relationship has moved into the “living with my best friend” and they are no longer intimate anymore.  I need to jump up on my soapbox for just a sentence or two to emphatically state that there is a real human need to provide relationship classes in our primary education years and beyond.  Either adjust the three R’s to include relationships or add a fourth R, enough said!  

Many couples struggle with sustaining what each considers a happy, healthy and satisfying sexual relationship.  It shouldn’t surprise anyone [although it does] that this would become an issue in long-term relationships when there has never been any kind of formal or informal ways of addressing sexual matters and concerns.  One reason is that many people feel completely uncomfortable talking about what they consider to be of an extremely [possibly embarrassing] personal nature.

So if you are not talking to anyone other than your partner about what “a normal sexual relationship” is supposed to be like then where did you get your information?  Zilbergeld [The New Male Sexuality – Revised Edition] wrote about a Fantasy Model of sexuality and described how many people define sex as intercourse making it all about performance, thus limiting your view of sexuality.  I liked his sports car analogy to sex – the only way you can really enjoy this car [i.e. sex] is to drive [i.e. intercourse] 90 mph around really windy roads.

If you have limited your view of sex to intercourse [my Round Hole title – no pun intended] then you are missing out on so much pleasure, fun and intimacy.  In other words, you and your partner need and should define sex on your terms.  Rethinking frequency with satisfaction – make your square peg fit into your square opening!

4 of my top inspirational videos

My Gift to you

4 of my top inspirational videos

This is a time of year that has many mixed reactions for so many people that I thought I would share four of my favorite [warning: tear jerkers – have some Kleenex handy] inspirational videos that I think everyone should see at least once.  To me, these four short little clips capture the essence of all that we are and can be in relationship to those who mean the most to us in life. 

The first clip is actually a commercial and it shows the relationship between a father and son and their growth through the years.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXPyIv2WLdI

The second video is about how a seemingly uneventful and yet generous experience could have a lasting memory and powerful effect on both the original giver and receiver.

http://www.simpletruths.com/movies/most-inspirational-videos.html

The third video is about keeping in mind what is important and living your life through kindness and caring.  I think many of us would either want to be the giver or the receiver in this situation.

http://play.simpletruths.com/movie/someone-who-cares/

Lastly, the fourth clip shows how the simplest little things we do in life can have such a lasting impression and memory to those we love unconditionally.

http://play.simpletruths.com/movie/lifes-moments/

I really hope you enjoy my selections.  May you have a wonderful and memory-filled holiday season.

Simple Delights

Searching For Delight In The Everyday Things

 

During the holidays each year seems to try and out do the one before.  Retailers are always raising the bar by marketing and selling the next new shiny object.  Technology moves at such an incredibly rapid rate that there is always something improved that makes what we have obsolete.  I hear a lot of people complain that the holidays have become too commercialized and how stressed out they are for so many reasons.  Taking you back once again to the book Mind Power by John Kehoe – the obvious question is – what are you making yourself conscious of everyday with your daily thoughts?  Remember that in order to change your reality the first and foremost thing you must do is change what you are conscious of.

 

With that in mind and integrating the title of this into some suggestions, why not give the following a try?  Make a daily “surprise” calendar for yourself just like the ones kids use during this time of year.  It is usually shaped like a tree or house with all these different doors/flaps that you open to reveal the treasure of the day.  Create a list for 30 days or whatever feels comfortable.  Give yourself a keyword that will help find the delight in the day.  For example, day one could be about searching for delight in helping someone who needs assistance by holding a door open or paying someone you don’t know a kind word or whatever seems interesting to you.  Another day’s word could be about searching for the delight in someone’s smile.  Try focusing your attention on finding delight in the ordinary or in other words be mindful of simple pleasures.

 

Additionally, I suggest keeping a daily journal and sharing it with someone you care about, possibly an accountability partner.  The discipline will be light and the reward immense.  This practice can also be a way of growing the relationship and permitting yourself to be vulnerable, which by the way is always the sign of strength.  Remember it is not the oak tree that stands unruffled after a severe storm but the gentle blade of grass.

 

I hope you have a wonderful and delight filled holiday season.

http://sexhealthdoc.com

How To Cure Sexual Addiction

For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one striking at the root.” 

Henry David Thoreau

When it comes to sexual addiction there has never been any conclusive evidence that any of the sexual addiction therapy modalities actually bring about the lasting cure that many are seeking.  In other words, many have been hacking at the leaves but far too few are striking at the root.

What if addition therapists were able to help their clients strike at the root by facilitating a paradigm shift?  Stephen Covey wrote in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People that if you want to change your attitudes and behaviors, Thoreau’s leaves as it were, then you need to change the paradigms that drive them.  Paradigm defined simply means the way you look at something and/or your way of thinking about it. 

First, it is important to understand the paradigm that drives these sexual obsessive-compulsive behaviors and attitudes.  Zilbergeld wrote in The New Male Sexuality that many boys are initiated into their sexuality around three enduring tenets that of secrecy, privacy and impersonal objectification.  In addition, their personal experiences are usually not only enjoyable, but more pleasurable and satisfying than with their partner.

As an aside, many people wonder ‘why’ this phenomenon is so prevalent and ‘why’ it has become such a problem.  One answer to consider is technology.  Whether we like it or want to admit it – the fact is we are living in a technological epoch.  Computers, smartphones, texting, instant messaging, emails, etc. have created an environment that reduces the need for face-to-face interactions.  As a result, it would seem to suggest that our use of technology has not really brought people closer together physically but electronically.

Adding technology to the mix further complicates and entrenches your way of thinking about and seeing your sexuality making it extremely difficult to change.  However, this information helps tease out your sexual worldview that could provide a cure for those struggling with sexual impulsivity and the accompanying attitudes that go with it.  Perhaps one paradigm shift that would bring about the desired change that many are seeking is to view your sexuality that is personal, i.e. connected, shared and visible in ways that are equally or more pleasurable, fun and intimate. 

The challenge for many people is bringing about a shift in their thinking that is not forced or coerced but desired, wanted and sought after.  If this blog speaks to you and your struggles with pornography and you would like to explore ways to shift your paradigm, visit my "Contact Page" to send me a private email or call me at: 248-906-8301.

Cheat Sheet

6 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Strong!

Everyone seems to have too much to do with not enough time to work on the relationship.  Here’s quick cheat sheet to keep your relationship healthy and strong all year long.

1. Communication - Learn to speak your partners love language - e.g. Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts or Touch - fill her/his emotional love tank.
2. Respect - Get in the habit of learning to seek first to understand and then be understood - do not interrupt or minimize/dismiss the feelings of your partner.
3. Quality Time - Take time when kissing your partner - do not rush through it but become mindful and enjoy the experience; Touch - become intentional, hold hands, rub each others shoulders, feet, etc.
4. Appreciation - Consider hand writing your partner a thank you note for something special that was done to or for you.
5. Make No Comparisons - Seek opportunities to genuinely compliment your partner on at least a weekly basis.
6. Pick Your Battles Wisely - Always strive for Win/Win or no deal, this is not a competition.

Maybe you noticed that I borrowed from Gary Chapman’s – The Five Love Languages and Stephen Covey’s – 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to suggest fast and easy ways to keep your relationship happy and healthy.  Start today and experience the difference, after all according to the research your relationship is the absolute most important thing in your life.

50 Shades of Play!

50 Shades of Play Event

Sweet Lorraine's in Southfield, Michigan on Friday, March 6, 2015  

from 6:00 -9:00 PM 

Sex! This topic polarizes the population!  As Stephen Covey said, " we do not see the world as the world is – we see the world as we are". 

Nothing could be more true when applying this principle to The Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon that has been sweeping the world.

From my humble position, I find it interesting that there is a huge controversy being raised as the E.L. James trilogy is being prepared for the big screen. Where were these voices when it was just a book selling over 100 million copies and being translated in 52 different languages?

It's intriguing to me that the movie has been labeled pornography by some people believing that the movie romanticizes violence against women. In my recollection, most advocates against pornography have said that it objectifies women in some form of violence or another.  

So why is this anything new? One reason may be that the 50 Shades phenomenon was written by a woman, for women and, THAT the movie is being produced by a woman.

In spite of the controversy, many people find it stimulating and remain curious to learn and safely explore their sexuality.   Bondage Discipline/Dominant Sado/Submissive Masochistic (BDSM) can enhance one's erotic relationship with one's partner by playing with each other’s sexual limits and communicating on deeper levels of intimacy through negotiation of safe, consensual boundaries through power exchanges. 

I invite you to learn more by joining me at Sweet Lorraine’s in Southfield on March 6 where I will discuss in detail how to have fun by safely and comfortable exploring with 50 Shades of Play.