Simple Delights

Searching For Delight In The Everyday Things

 

During the holidays each year seems to try and out do the one before.  Retailers are always raising the bar by marketing and selling the next new shiny object.  Technology moves at such an incredibly rapid rate that there is always something improved that makes what we have obsolete.  I hear a lot of people complain that the holidays have become too commercialized and how stressed out they are for so many reasons.  Taking you back once again to the book Mind Power by John Kehoe – the obvious question is – what are you making yourself conscious of everyday with your daily thoughts?  Remember that in order to change your reality the first and foremost thing you must do is change what you are conscious of.

 

With that in mind and integrating the title of this into some suggestions, why not give the following a try?  Make a daily “surprise” calendar for yourself just like the ones kids use during this time of year.  It is usually shaped like a tree or house with all these different doors/flaps that you open to reveal the treasure of the day.  Create a list for 30 days or whatever feels comfortable.  Give yourself a keyword that will help find the delight in the day.  For example, day one could be about searching for delight in helping someone who needs assistance by holding a door open or paying someone you don’t know a kind word or whatever seems interesting to you.  Another day’s word could be about searching for the delight in someone’s smile.  Try focusing your attention on finding delight in the ordinary or in other words be mindful of simple pleasures.

 

Additionally, I suggest keeping a daily journal and sharing it with someone you care about, possibly an accountability partner.  The discipline will be light and the reward immense.  This practice can also be a way of growing the relationship and permitting yourself to be vulnerable, which by the way is always the sign of strength.  Remember it is not the oak tree that stands unruffled after a severe storm but the gentle blade of grass.

 

I hope you have a wonderful and delight filled holiday season.

http://sexhealthdoc.com

How To Cure Sexual Addiction

For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one striking at the root.” 

Henry David Thoreau

When it comes to sexual addiction there has never been any conclusive evidence that any of the sexual addiction therapy modalities actually bring about the lasting cure that many are seeking.  In other words, many have been hacking at the leaves but far too few are striking at the root.

What if addition therapists were able to help their clients strike at the root by facilitating a paradigm shift?  Stephen Covey wrote in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People that if you want to change your attitudes and behaviors, Thoreau’s leaves as it were, then you need to change the paradigms that drive them.  Paradigm defined simply means the way you look at something and/or your way of thinking about it. 

First, it is important to understand the paradigm that drives these sexual obsessive-compulsive behaviors and attitudes.  Zilbergeld wrote in The New Male Sexuality that many boys are initiated into their sexuality around three enduring tenets that of secrecy, privacy and impersonal objectification.  In addition, their personal experiences are usually not only enjoyable, but more pleasurable and satisfying than with their partner.

As an aside, many people wonder ‘why’ this phenomenon is so prevalent and ‘why’ it has become such a problem.  One answer to consider is technology.  Whether we like it or want to admit it – the fact is we are living in a technological epoch.  Computers, smartphones, texting, instant messaging, emails, etc. have created an environment that reduces the need for face-to-face interactions.  As a result, it would seem to suggest that our use of technology has not really brought people closer together physically but electronically.

Adding technology to the mix further complicates and entrenches your way of thinking about and seeing your sexuality making it extremely difficult to change.  However, this information helps tease out your sexual worldview that could provide a cure for those struggling with sexual impulsivity and the accompanying attitudes that go with it.  Perhaps one paradigm shift that would bring about the desired change that many are seeking is to view your sexuality that is personal, i.e. connected, shared and visible in ways that are equally or more pleasurable, fun and intimate. 

The challenge for many people is bringing about a shift in their thinking that is not forced or coerced but desired, wanted and sought after.  If this blog speaks to you and your struggles with pornography and you would like to explore ways to shift your paradigm, visit my "Contact Page" to send me a private email or call me at: 248-906-8301.

Cheat Sheet

6 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Strong!

Everyone seems to have too much to do with not enough time to work on the relationship.  Here’s quick cheat sheet to keep your relationship healthy and strong all year long.

1. Communication - Learn to speak your partners love language - e.g. Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts or Touch - fill her/his emotional love tank.
2. Respect - Get in the habit of learning to seek first to understand and then be understood - do not interrupt or minimize/dismiss the feelings of your partner.
3. Quality Time - Take time when kissing your partner - do not rush through it but become mindful and enjoy the experience; Touch - become intentional, hold hands, rub each others shoulders, feet, etc.
4. Appreciation - Consider hand writing your partner a thank you note for something special that was done to or for you.
5. Make No Comparisons - Seek opportunities to genuinely compliment your partner on at least a weekly basis.
6. Pick Your Battles Wisely - Always strive for Win/Win or no deal, this is not a competition.

Maybe you noticed that I borrowed from Gary Chapman’s – The Five Love Languages and Stephen Covey’s – 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to suggest fast and easy ways to keep your relationship happy and healthy.  Start today and experience the difference, after all according to the research your relationship is the absolute most important thing in your life.

50 Shades of Play!

50 Shades of Play Event

Sweet Lorraine's in Southfield, Michigan on Friday, March 6, 2015  

from 6:00 -9:00 PM 

Sex! This topic polarizes the population!  As Stephen Covey said, " we do not see the world as the world is – we see the world as we are". 

Nothing could be more true when applying this principle to The Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon that has been sweeping the world.

From my humble position, I find it interesting that there is a huge controversy being raised as the E.L. James trilogy is being prepared for the big screen. Where were these voices when it was just a book selling over 100 million copies and being translated in 52 different languages?

It's intriguing to me that the movie has been labeled pornography by some people believing that the movie romanticizes violence against women. In my recollection, most advocates against pornography have said that it objectifies women in some form of violence or another.  

So why is this anything new? One reason may be that the 50 Shades phenomenon was written by a woman, for women and, THAT the movie is being produced by a woman.

In spite of the controversy, many people find it stimulating and remain curious to learn and safely explore their sexuality.   Bondage Discipline/Dominant Sado/Submissive Masochistic (BDSM) can enhance one's erotic relationship with one's partner by playing with each other’s sexual limits and communicating on deeper levels of intimacy through negotiation of safe, consensual boundaries through power exchanges. 

I invite you to learn more by joining me at Sweet Lorraine’s in Southfield on March 6 where I will discuss in detail how to have fun by safely and comfortable exploring with 50 Shades of Play.

50 Shades break down

Unless you walk with blinders on and have not had access to the Internet or a bookstore then you’ve probably already heard about The 50 Shades of Grey  – with the motion picture release scheduled for Valentine’s Day this year. 

While it has been negatively labeled as “porn for women”, a better way to describe it might be erotica geared toward women.  What’s interesting to note is that words like ‘kink’ and BDSM’ have garnered the nation’s attention.  Granted they are not new concepts but the way they have been presented in the trilogy and promoted through social media has resonated with many people in long term relationships - married or not. 

So what are couples having fun with as a result of the 50 Shades phenomenon?

·       Bondage Play even though many women like the “submissive” fantasies, a lot of couples like sex toys and bondage gear.  Some fun products people have been playing with include: leather floggers, paddles, blindfolds, nipple clamps and Velcro restraints.

·       Fetish tape like the kind that Christian Grey kept in his “Red Room” for tying up Anastasia is easy to use and versatile.  Since the tape sticks to itself [i.e. no adhesive] and you can use it over and over, it can also be used to make temporary clothing like mini-skirts and halter tops plus the added bonus that it comes in really hot kinky colors such as red, black, hot pink and blue.

·       Role plays around power and giving it up to be just used for sex for someone else’s pleasure – giving up the “super-wife” image of being responsible for everything and everyone. 

What have you played with or experimented as a result of the ’50 Shades’ hype?  I would love to discuss the realm of options to help you explore and expand your sex life!  As a Certified Sex Therapist I hold the strictest of privacy policies.  Feel free to shoot me an email at info@sexhealthdoc.com to arrange a time for a confidential conversation.

Why 50 Shades of Grey is so Popular With Women

From my therapeutic practice I see a lot of couples who feel they have become just roommates, as if they are living with their best friend.  So when E. L. James popular trilogy – The 50 Shades of Grey burst on the scene, it was like a breath of much needed, and welcomed, fresh air despite its sometimes controversial subject.   Why is it that this Shades Trilogy has become so wildly popular?  As a Certified Sex Therapist, here are four of my thoughts on that:

 One - Christian, while appearing confident and self-assured, has an inner turmoil that women want to help heal/mend/resolve through their love [a reverse fantasy of sorts where the woman gets to play the heroine]...being super-rich doesn't hurt the mix either :-)

 Two - Many women can and want to relate to the not-so-perfect Anastasia character and through this identification they feel they are granted permission to accept and express their own erotic thoughts, desires and fantasies.  

 Three - The Shades Trilogy has encouraged women to appreciate their own sexual longings and realize that there is no harm in being physically turned-on by the book.  It does not mean they have to act out on their fantasies/desires but feeling turned on by them can be pleasurable all on its own. 

 Four - Many people claim they want a more adventurous sex life – if even in fantasy - and this grants them permission.

Whatever your reason for enjoying the trilogy, I would encourage you to share what you like best about it with your partner and use it as a means to further develop deeper bonds of intimacy with one another.  We will explore sexual fantasy in the next blog.

The 7 Habits of Highly Fit People #7 - Learn as much about nutrition and fitness as you are interested in!

BECOME A STUDENT OF FITNESS

1. Get started!
2. End Goal – weight or waist size or body image?
3. Kitchen first, gym second!
4. Win-Win-Win by balancing nutrition, exercise and rest!
5. Listen to your body – don’t over fuel it or over work it!
6. Learn what others are doing and share what works for you – synergize!
7. Learn as much about nutrition and fitness as you are interested in! 

I encourage you to learn whatever you can about your health and fitness.  Read blogs on the Internet, magazines and watch documentaries on how others have managed to make fitness a habit in their lives.  Well known body-builder - Arnold Schwarzenegger was often quoted –“The mind always fails first, not the body.  The secret is to make your mind work for you, not against you.”

There have been so many discoveries made through science and research into the mechanics of how the body operates and functions.  Consider exploring information around anabolic heart rate, cardio workouts, yoga and many, many more.  Think about what you are learning and develop a system to record it.  Possibly carry a journal that you use to capture some of the best practices you are learning.  

Remember to take a holistic approach to your education.  Know the basics about nutrition, exercise and sleep.  Develop an understanding of your body and when the best times are for you to engage in certain activities.  Some people are morning folks and function best when first waking up, while others use the end of the day to workout the stresses of the day.  There is no right or wrong here – it is just a matter of preferences.

I hope you have found The 7 Habits of Highly Fit People to be an inspiration for you to become fit.  Your feedback is always welcome!