BSPI Question #9

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 9 question in my survey and asks:

9.  Would you rather be considered a sexually:

(A)  hands-on person, or

(B)   creative person?

This is another question where the majority of participants were all in close agreement across all categorical breakouts where 60% preferred the touchy feely aspect of sex, while 40% preferred to be the creative person.  I think it is important to note and know your partner’s preference on this one.  Since our last question was about introducing something new and different into the sexual relationship, the creative person can be a wonderful compliment especially to someone who thinks or feels he or she is not very creative.  If you both prefer to be hands-on then find fun ways to touch each other that can be fun and creative.  For example, instead of using your hands, consider using silk ties or scarfs to glide over your skin and experience the sensations.  You can make it a guessing game by having your partner close her eyes and then using as many different tactile items around your home.  One couple I suggested this to used foods like noodles, ice, bananas, grapes, etc.  The idea is to have pleasure, fun and intimacy – so enjoy!

BSPI Question #8

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 8th question in my survey and asks:

8.  Are you more sexually comfortable:

(A)  dealing with spontaneous creative stirrings, or

(B)   engaging in a pleasurable routine?

 

There was a definite agreement on this question, the majority of all participants across all categories preferred dealing with spontaneous creative stirrings.  The results were 70% for (A) and 30% for (B).  A good follow up question to know would have been: What percentage of the time do you actually engage in spontaneous creative stirrings?  While many people claim this preference, from a therapeutic standpoint many seek therapy because there sexual life has gone dormant or one partner has lost interest because of the lack of spontaneity or variety.  The research suggests in may fields related and unrelated to sex indicate that novelty is what keeps things fresh.  One suggestion I have for couples is that periodically take turns introducing something new and or different in their sexual relationship to keep it fresh and exciting.   So what do you do to keep it interesting?

 

BSPI Question #7

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 7 question in my survey and asks:

7.  If you were to fantasize about being with more than one partner, would you prefer to engage with:

(A)   all the participants simultaneously, or

(B)   one person at a time?

 

This question more than any other has been brought to my attention as one in which some people have a difficult time answering.  The main reason is because some people claim to not fantasize.  Some have even gone so far to say that they felt like it was cheating on their partner by not being fully present.  I have had couples in therapy struggle with this when one of them uses fantasy to get turned on while the other does not.  When encountering this situation, I usually use a metaphor of what it was like playing with your best friend when you were a kid.  When boys play sports one-on-one like basketball or football they usually pretend to be someone else to enhance the experience they are having and to add to the fun.  Your friend doesn’t get mad or upset because you imagine him to be someone else, you play along and imagine him to be someone else.  The bottom line is that you are still with your best friend enjoying the sport together.  You just use your imagination to take you someplace else and you are taking your best friend along with you – you’re not leaving them behind or wishing they were someone else in reality.

The men responded that 64% fantasized about engaging with all the participants and so did 45% of the women.  Since many men follow a pattern of sexuality that was initiated by the tenets that sex is secret, private, and impersonal [Zilbergeld – The New Male Sexuality] it would lend support to the majority selecting all the participants.  If partners shared their results, I wonder how many lively discussions took place after each revealed her/his preference to by with multiple partners?  My guess is that I think there are a few surprised participants and it is exactly why I wrote the survey to be a communications tool.

 

BSPI Question #6

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 6^th question in my survey and asks:

 

6.     What more often rules your desire, your:

(A)   emotions, or

(B)   physical urges?

 

This is the first question where an almost reciprocating difference between male and females emerge.  35% of the men and 60% of the women responded that they are ruled by their emotions.  The flip side is that 65% of the men and 40% of the women are motivated by their physical urges.  This is one of those questions that you could interpret through the lens of masculinity and femininity without assigning it to gender roles.  Physical urges are the realm of the masculine and the emotional urges are that of the feminine. 

However, when we think about emotions and how they are expressed research has suggested that women are more prone to talk about what they are thinking and feeling and to demonstrate with facial expressions, gestures and body language.  Men on the other hand have been conditioned to process their emotions inwardly.  Some men fear their own emotions considering them a sign of weakness and therefore bury them in order to protect themselves.  So maybe there is no surprise in how the numbers of this question shook out. 

One last thought on how this question gets answered by men may have to do with how they are conditioned around sex in general.  Bernie Zilbergeld wrote in The New Male Sexuality that boys come into their sexuality around three prongs: it’s a secret event; it’s a private event; and it’s impersonal.  Whatever starts a boy’s sexual engine is rarely associated with emotion and relationship other than with oneself.  So it would appear the physical connection is made early on and then is reinforced throughout his formative years.

Again as a reminder using the survey as a communications tool, I suggest you have a discussion with your partner as to his or her response to this question.  Really explore your reason for answering the way you did.  Is it possible that you see one of theses responses as less valuable than the other and if so why?  Make it fun as you inquire and learn more intimate details of your relationship, which should result in more pleasure for the two of you!

Take the BSPI© to find out more about your own preferences!

BSPI Question #5

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 5^th question in my survey and asks:

 

5.     Do you prefer sexual partners who:

(A)   are romantic, or

(B)   express excitement through touch?

 

This question teases out the subtle differences between men and women.  It may surprise you to know that the majority of women [59%] along with the possible less surprising fact that men [79%] prefer a tactile preference, i.e. they like to touch.  The survey respondents highlight that for both men and women the need for romance while truly important for some, is not the default.  The cultural messages that permeate would have us believe that romance is a primary consideration when dealing with women but that is not what the results point out. 

            In the book – Men Are Slobs, Women Are Neat, authors Alyn and Phillips talk about what happens when you strip away gender stereotypes, they claim that “Women are surrounded by messages that say all women need romance…[yet] some women aren’t naturally romantic…our culture tells men that being romantic or desiring romance is not macho, so many men will just stuff their desires.”  The results of the survey for men clearly emphasize what Alyn and Phillips wrote.  So is it a matter of social conditioning that have men answer the way they do? 

            Again as a reminder using the survey as a communications tool, I suggest you have a discussion with your partner as to his or her response to this question.  Really explore your reason for answering the way you did.  Is it possible that you see one of theses responses as less valuable than the other and if so why?  Make it fun as you inquire and learn more intimate details of your relationship, which should result in more pleasure for the two of you!

Take the BSPI© to find out more about your own preferences!

BSPI Question 4

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 4^th question in my survey and asks:

 Do you prefer to:

(A)   schedule sexual time well in advance, or

(B)   be open to your sexual urges when you feel them?

 

This is the first question in the survey that had no gender differences in the results. The majority of the survey respondents [93%] prefer to be open to their sexual urges and when it comes to scheduling sex only 7% prefer it.  And yet as a therapist one of the more frequent issues couples bring to therapy is the lack of sexual time together.  While many people may claim to want to be open to their sexual urges, just how many actually take the time to satisfy them?  And then there is the question about misaligned timing – how do you manage when one of you is “in the mood” and the other is not? 

The ‘sexual timing’ disconnect for some couples is what prevents them from taking advantage of their sexual urges.  One of the more common complaints has to do with timing at the end of the day and the couple not going to bed together.  Another issue deals with how exhausted one of the partners feels at the end of the day.  Many of the women bear the greater share of responsibility for the house and children while also holding a full time job leaving little if any energy for sex. 

Sometimes people make the assumption as a result of misaligned sexual urges that one partner has a higher sexual drive than the other.  What it comes down to is communication.  Communicating and talking it out with each other can successfully resolve most sexual issues between couples.  Learning not to criticize and/or judge but seeking first to listen to understand and not react will go a long way in helping reduce conflict in the relationship.  Remember to make all your sexual experiences grounded in pleasure, fun and intimacy.  Talking with your partner about sex should be a very intimate experience that the two of you share.

BSPI Test Question 3

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the third question in my survey and asks:
     3.     Regarding sexual activity, are you usually:
            (A)    the one to initiate, or
            (B)    passive and acquiescing?

This is the first question where a significant difference between male and females emerge.  78% of the men and 40% of the women responded that they are usually the ones to initiate sexual activity.  I personally think that these results raise more fundamental questions than it answers.  For example, are men conditioned to initiate and are women conditioned to be initiated upon?  If the answer to that question is ‘yes’ then what are the cultural, societal and familial messages that are being reinforced?  I noticed that if you combine the total number of respondents that selected ‘(A) the one to initiate’ that the percentages tend to flatten out – meaning that 53% of the survey respondents initiate sexual activity while 47% prefer to be initiated upon.  

Using the survey as a communications tool, have a discussion with your partner as to what his or her preference is, would like it to be shared, is it a major turn-on if your partner pursues you?

Remember the purpose of the survey is to have fun while being intimate with one another and find ways to make it pleasurable for you.

Take the BSPI© to find out more about your own preferences!