BSPI Question #12

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 12 question in my survey and asks:

12.  Does planning for your sexual activity:

(A)  arouse you, or

(B)   turn you off sexually?

 

This is the first question where you might be pleasantly surprised to discover that most people – women 80% and men 85% get turned on by planning for sexual activity.  Even though many people complain that there is no spontaneity in their sexual relationships, the majority appears to want to plan for sex possibly to make sure it happens.  When you really think about it, I believe most people get excited when they know they can look forward to something and when that something is sex even more so.  I suggest taking turns to plan, don’t leave it up to the same partner – you are both responsible for the relationship.  Introducing something new with your partner has been discussed in several previous blogs and keeps the relationship healthy and exciting.  We get bored and eventually uninterested when we repeat the same thing over and over even when that ‘thing’ is enjoyable.  By planning you build anticipation and you will really look forward to that time.  A word of advice – keep the time you plan sacred – unless there is a life threatening event, don’t let anything interfere with your time together and leave the cell phones in another room.  Consider planning when you both have the most energy and again make it pleasurable fun and intimate!

 

BSPI Question #11

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 11 question in my survey and asks:

11.  When engaged in sexual activity do you prefer the:

(A)  lights on, or

(B)   lights off?

 

This is another one of those questions where an almost reciprocating difference between male and females emerge.  75% of the men and 35% of the women responded that they prefer the lights on.  The flip side is that 25% of the men and 65% of the women want the lights off.  There are two ways to look at this question – one is in the light of body image and how we feel when we look in the mirror and what looks backs – and the other way is by the assignment of gender roles with regards to masculinity and femininity.

Body image issues plague many people, especially since our culture has reinforced over and over again what is “the ideal image” that we should be striving to be.  The message is not about accepting you as you are but that you are flawed and need to look a certain way.  I think the messages are much harder on women than men and as a result we could interpret the results of this question that many women prefer to keep their images in the dark.  We need to learn to accept our image as is and not compare it to a static moment in time that photographs represent and assign an unrealistic ideal that we should be striving for, i.e. young, slim, fit and built.

The other way to interpret this question is through the view that “men are visual” and of course they would need the lights on to see.  I think that this way of thinking about the preference for men to be visual gets back to Zilbergeld [The New Male Sexuality] belief that boys come into their sexuality around the three prongs of secrecy, privacy and impersonality.  Boys do not make the connection that the sex is about relationships and there is no one pushing that agenda either, with many parents being uncomfortable talking about sex with their children and the lack of a healthy education regarding sex in our school systems. 

I would encourage you to have a pleasurable, fun and intimate conversation with your partner about this question.  It could be very interesting to discover how and why your partner answered the way she or he did.  Besides, it is a great way to grow closer and deepen your connection with each other.

 

BSPI Question #10

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 10 question in my survey and asks:

10.  If you were to fantasize about sexual activity, would you prefer to:

(A)  direct the action, or

(B)   be directed?

 

This question might surprise you as to the results and how the women and men prefer to dominate or be dominated.  58% of the men and 25% of the women responded that they wanted to direct the action, i.e. dominate.  The flip side is that 42% of the men and 75% of the women wanted to submit by being directed, i.e. be dominated.  The surprise comes from what many think of the masculine preference to be in charge and yet the survey indicates that almost half as many men want to be directed.  This is one of those questions where I wonder how much scripting along gender lines has an affect on how one answers the questions.  As a man are you conditioned to prefer to dominate and as a woman are you conditioned to be the one to be dominated?  

The cultural messages are very strong, pervasive and persistent.  We tend to think that being dominated is the weaker position, while being dominant is stronger and is linked to the person in charge.  However in a consensual sexual relationship where the couple enjoys and gets turned on by power playing, just the opposite is true.  [Power Play – two partners decide consciously that one of them will be in charge and that the other will follow, always keeping it safe, sane and consensual.]  The person being dominated is the person with all the power and the reason being is because power playing involves safe words. The play is usually about testing one’s sexual limits and the play is stopped if the safe word is invoked.  Examples of safe words can be red, stop, pause or whatever you and your partner agree upon.

So if you would like to try something different, which is really a good idea to keep your sexual life healthy [ see previous Blog on Question 8] then you might consider exploring power plays.  Remember to keep it safe, sane and consensual and of course make your sex life all about pleasure, fun and intimacy!

 

BSPI Question #9

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 9 question in my survey and asks:

9.  Would you rather be considered a sexually:

(A)  hands-on person, or

(B)   creative person?

This is another question where the majority of participants were all in close agreement across all categorical breakouts where 60% preferred the touchy feely aspect of sex, while 40% preferred to be the creative person.  I think it is important to note and know your partner’s preference on this one.  Since our last question was about introducing something new and different into the sexual relationship, the creative person can be a wonderful compliment especially to someone who thinks or feels he or she is not very creative.  If you both prefer to be hands-on then find fun ways to touch each other that can be fun and creative.  For example, instead of using your hands, consider using silk ties or scarfs to glide over your skin and experience the sensations.  You can make it a guessing game by having your partner close her eyes and then using as many different tactile items around your home.  One couple I suggested this to used foods like noodles, ice, bananas, grapes, etc.  The idea is to have pleasure, fun and intimacy – so enjoy!

BSPI Question #8

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 8th question in my survey and asks:

8.  Are you more sexually comfortable:

(A)  dealing with spontaneous creative stirrings, or

(B)   engaging in a pleasurable routine?

 

There was a definite agreement on this question, the majority of all participants across all categories preferred dealing with spontaneous creative stirrings.  The results were 70% for (A) and 30% for (B).  A good follow up question to know would have been: What percentage of the time do you actually engage in spontaneous creative stirrings?  While many people claim this preference, from a therapeutic standpoint many seek therapy because there sexual life has gone dormant or one partner has lost interest because of the lack of spontaneity or variety.  The research suggests in may fields related and unrelated to sex indicate that novelty is what keeps things fresh.  One suggestion I have for couples is that periodically take turns introducing something new and or different in their sexual relationship to keep it fresh and exciting.   So what do you do to keep it interesting?

 

BSPI Question #7

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 7 question in my survey and asks:

7.  If you were to fantasize about being with more than one partner, would you prefer to engage with:

(A)   all the participants simultaneously, or

(B)   one person at a time?

 

This question more than any other has been brought to my attention as one in which some people have a difficult time answering.  The main reason is because some people claim to not fantasize.  Some have even gone so far to say that they felt like it was cheating on their partner by not being fully present.  I have had couples in therapy struggle with this when one of them uses fantasy to get turned on while the other does not.  When encountering this situation, I usually use a metaphor of what it was like playing with your best friend when you were a kid.  When boys play sports one-on-one like basketball or football they usually pretend to be someone else to enhance the experience they are having and to add to the fun.  Your friend doesn’t get mad or upset because you imagine him to be someone else, you play along and imagine him to be someone else.  The bottom line is that you are still with your best friend enjoying the sport together.  You just use your imagination to take you someplace else and you are taking your best friend along with you – you’re not leaving them behind or wishing they were someone else in reality.

The men responded that 64% fantasized about engaging with all the participants and so did 45% of the women.  Since many men follow a pattern of sexuality that was initiated by the tenets that sex is secret, private, and impersonal [Zilbergeld – The New Male Sexuality] it would lend support to the majority selecting all the participants.  If partners shared their results, I wonder how many lively discussions took place after each revealed her/his preference to by with multiple partners?  My guess is that I think there are a few surprised participants and it is exactly why I wrote the survey to be a communications tool.

 

BSPI Question #6

What’s Your Sexual Preference?

      BEITER SEXUAL PREFERENCE INDICATOR

This is the 6^th question in my survey and asks:

 

6.     What more often rules your desire, your:

(A)   emotions, or

(B)   physical urges?

 

This is the first question where an almost reciprocating difference between male and females emerge.  35% of the men and 60% of the women responded that they are ruled by their emotions.  The flip side is that 65% of the men and 40% of the women are motivated by their physical urges.  This is one of those questions that you could interpret through the lens of masculinity and femininity without assigning it to gender roles.  Physical urges are the realm of the masculine and the emotional urges are that of the feminine. 

However, when we think about emotions and how they are expressed research has suggested that women are more prone to talk about what they are thinking and feeling and to demonstrate with facial expressions, gestures and body language.  Men on the other hand have been conditioned to process their emotions inwardly.  Some men fear their own emotions considering them a sign of weakness and therefore bury them in order to protect themselves.  So maybe there is no surprise in how the numbers of this question shook out. 

One last thought on how this question gets answered by men may have to do with how they are conditioned around sex in general.  Bernie Zilbergeld wrote in The New Male Sexuality that boys come into their sexuality around three prongs: it’s a secret event; it’s a private event; and it’s impersonal.  Whatever starts a boy’s sexual engine is rarely associated with emotion and relationship other than with oneself.  So it would appear the physical connection is made early on and then is reinforced throughout his formative years.

Again as a reminder using the survey as a communications tool, I suggest you have a discussion with your partner as to his or her response to this question.  Really explore your reason for answering the way you did.  Is it possible that you see one of theses responses as less valuable than the other and if so why?  Make it fun as you inquire and learn more intimate details of your relationship, which should result in more pleasure for the two of you!

Take the BSPI© to find out more about your own preferences!